Bottle Tops
by bikelock28
Summary: Ignores finale. Random one-shots about Barney & Robin's friendships with the Erikson & Mosby kids. Ch 46 finally up!
1. Bottle Tops

**Ignoring finale, this is set in the non-death, non-divorce world . Random one-shots about Barney and Robin's friendships with the Erikson and Mosby kids. Enjoy!**

Bottle Tops 

_2022_

He's noticed by now that Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney are very different when they enter the house. When they come round to visit, Uncle Barney throws each kid in the air (Marvin's ten now and big for his age, so it's getting more difficult for anybody apart from Dad to lift him up. Still, Uncle Barney does his best), ruffles their hair almost violently, and stuffs five-dollar-bills into their fists. Aunt Robin smiles, hugs them politely and immediately starts asking about school and sports and what they've been up to. Marvin's younger sisters and cousins are mad about Uncle Barney, for obvious reasons: magic, high-fives, taking them to Laser Tag, teasing their parents, encouraging them to get into mischief- but recently Marvin's been appreciating Aunt Robin more. Now he understands what her job is and how she has to travel, he likes asking her about different places she's been; what language they speak there, what the capital is, what the currency looks like. His bedroom wall is covered with movie and music posters, and some drawings he's done himself- although Marvin also has a world map pinned up in front of his desk. Every time Aunt Robin comes back from abroad she helps him find where on the map she's been to, and he sticks a pin in green pin in it (blue pins are for countries Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin have been to together; yellow pins are for places any of his own friends have visited; and red pins are for anywhere that Marvin himself has visited). She brings presents back for all of them: foreign candy, toys, dolls, soccer jerseys, the occasional book which Marvin suspects Uncle Ted persuades her to buy. Marvin's favourite thing, though, is the bottle tops.

Every metal bottle top from every Coke bottle in the world has an address on it. Did you know that? Fanta and Sprite and some brands of beer, too. It's the address of where the Coke was bottled, printed between the points of the metal bottle top. When Aunt Robin buys a Coke or a beer in a different state or country, she keeps the bottle top, and gives it to Marvin when she gets home. He likes deciphering the writing, and Googling the zip code to find out exactly where it is. Once, Marvin tried to hang the each bottle top on the pins on his map, but they fell off- so now he keeps them stacked neatly in front of it. Aunt Robin tells him that one day when he's grown up she'll take him abroad with her (to which Uncle Barney always gasps, and narrows his eyes suspiciously at Marvin) on a report.

"You can carry my luggage,"

"Is that why I have to be grown up?" he asks.

"Of course," she smiles.

"I was six foot by my thirteenth birthday," Dad reminds them.

"Awesome! Only three more years!"

"You'll have to be old enough to drink, otherwise you'll miss out on all those bottle tops,"

"Eleven more years, bro," says Uncle Barney.

"That's _ages_! That's my whole life all over again, and then another year,"

"In Europe drinking age is fifteen or something," Aunt Robin tells him.

"Wow,"

"No," says Mom.

"You forget, his first outing _was _to a bar," Robin points out.

"It was a restaurant," Mom and Dad say together.

"It was MacLaren's," Uncle Barney tells Marvin.

"You took me to MacLaren's when I was a baby?! What did Uncle Ted say?"

"I don't think he was there. It was when we lived right above the bar, and it just _happened,_ we didn't realise- no, wait, Ted must have been there because it was when Victoria came in a wedding dress. That's why we came down to the bar,"

"I don't remember Ted being there," Barney muses.

"I don't remember _you _being there," says Mom.

"I _was!_ I was most definitely there!" Uncle Barney retorts indignantly.

"Maybe you were running a Play," sighs Dad, to shut him up. Unfortunately, it has the opposite effect.

"That's right, I must have been! Perhaps it was _The Laurence Of Arabia. _No, it was _The Window-Cleaner. _Or maybe-"

"Was this before or after the one when he had to talk like a dolphin?" asks Lily.

"Before," says Aunt Robin.

"After," says Dad.

"How would you know, you weren't there when Barney had to talk like a dolphin,"

"-_The Cheap Trick_? _The_ _Romney_?"

Marvin rolls his eyes, leaves the grown-ups to bicker and heads upstairs to his room. He sits on his desk chair and lays out all of his bottle tops, and carefully rereads the addresses on each one. He looks up at the map with its scattered pins, and dreams about when he's twenty-one and he can go travelling to all the places with pins in, and some of the places where there aren't pins in; places where nobody he knows has been yet. He can get hundreds of different bottle tops and coins, and ride on hundreds of new city subways- and eat all kinds of foreign varieties of pizza!

When Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney come upstairs to say goodbye an hour later, Marvin's still leaning his elbows on the desk and gazing up at the map.

**Thank you for taking the time to read. I would be super-grateful of review- I've drafted another couple of chapters, so I'll polish them up and post them if enough people like this one. Thanks a lot, have a great day xx**


	2. Bed

**I don't see any reason not to go with the finale regarding Marshall and Lily having another girl in 2017. I've called her Anna- she's briefly referred to here and will probably get a chapter of her own soon. **

Bed

_2021_

"Can't sleep,"

"What?" Barney answers groggily, rolling over in bed.

"U'cle Bardy. Can't sleep," the little boy repeats, rubbing his eyes.

"What d'you want me to do about it, kid?" Barney asks, not bothering to lift his face up from the pillow.

Luke crosses the room, scales the duvet cover and climbs onto the bed next to him.

"No way, dude. Me and Aunt Robin are asleep,"

"Daddy lets me,"

Luke says it like that's his trump card. What four-year-old boy doesn't idolise his Dad (even ones who are convinced that their dad is the guy off The Price Is Right. _Especially_ the ones who are convinced that their dad is the guy off The Price Is Right)?

But he can tell that Luke won't leave of his own accord- or he'll just fidget all night- so Barney reckons his only option is to get up and cajole the little bastard back to sleep. He rolls out of bed, tapping his face to wake himself up properly. Then he picks Luke up onto his hip and carries him into the kitchen. Penny's asleep on a folded-out mattress on the floor in front of the TV, beside Luke's empty sleeping bag.

"Wha' time is it?" asks Luke.

"Like, three AM or something," Barney guesses (pfft, as if he'd ever wear his Rolex to bed).

"Daddy says-"

"I know what Daddy says about two AM," Barney interrupts (it's a bullshit theory anyway), "You want a drink?"

Luke shakes his head, so Barney sits him down on the kitchen counter while he pours himself a glass of water. As soon as Barney takes a sip, Luke pipes up, "Wait, yeah I do,"

Barney gives him a mock scowl. Luke giggles and Barney tickles him under the chin, then pours another glass of water and hands it to him carefully. The way that Luke takes the glass with two hands is undeniably cute.

He's small and slight for his age, like his Mom- although his features are all Ted. Barney finds it peculiar, looking at that little Ted-face. Strange than with Marshall and Lily's kids, because Marvin, Daisy and Anna don't look much like either of their parents. Whereas with Luke it's like a constant reminder that he really is Ted's kid; literally half of Luke _is _Ted.

It gives Barney an incredibly weird feeling inside.

"Cheers, bro," he says, clinking his glass against Luke's. Then he has an idea, "Hey, you want to do some counting?"

Barney is very proud that Luke's inherited his maths brain, rather than Ted and Tracy's book brains.

"How many fingers?" he asks, holding up three.

"Three," Luke answers, but Barney puts up another finger.

"No, Lukebox, it was four. Bad luck,"

"You changed it," he protests, wiping his mouth with the sleeve of his camouflage pyjamas

"Didn't. Okay, how many doors can you see in this room?"

He takes the glass off Luke while the kid looks around.

"Four. And the window door,"

"We-hey! It's called a French window, though,"

Barney lifts him up again and carries him over to the couch (making a big show of precariously stepping over Penny, which makes Luke snigger conspiratorially).

"How about..." Barney says once they're sitting down, "How many empty popcorn bowls?"

Luke glances round again.

"Five,"

"How many fingers?"

Barney puts up one, then adds another as soon as Luke guesses correctly.

"Two, Luke, two! Come on,"

"You cheated, Uncle Bardy," Luke accuses.

"I did no such thing!" he argues, outraged, "And it's _Barney._ Ney. Like this,"

He taps his own knee and then Luke's, to demonstrate, "Say it?"

"Bar-ney,"

"Yes! Well done! Knee-five!"

He holds his knee up, and Luke knocks his own knee against it, giggling (God, the kid can giggle for the United States).

"You better still be getting it right in the morning, or I'll start calling you Liam. Think you can go to sleep now?"

"Maybe,"

_"__I_ think you can,"

"Stay," says Luke, with a tad of a whine in his voice.

"What?"

"Stay here,"

"You don't need me to stay," he sighs.

"Daddy stays when I can't sleep,"

Again, Luke's tone suggests that anything Ted does is his ace card. To be honest though, Barney knows it's working because he agrees, "Fine".

Luke beams, retrieves his sleeping bag from the floor and climbs into it. Then he jumps over and onto the couch and lies down with his head propped on the couch's arm.

"Night, Luke,"

"Night, U'cle Bardy,"

Barney rolls his eyes.

Luke shuffles, mutters and fidgets for a bit, then his eyes close and he stills. Barney fishes in the breast pocket of his own pyjama shirt for the folded piece of yellow paper which Ted ripped out from a legal pad.

_Things Not To Do When The Kids Stay Over While Tracy And I Have A Weekend Away_, it reads.

_1.__Have sex._

_2.__Watch porn._

_3.__Get drunk._

_4.__Call me about anything unless it's a dire emergency. This is our first weekend together without the kids for literally years- I don't want interruptions unless it's matter of life and death. _

_5.__Swear._

_6.__Allow the kids anywhere near anything which they could possibly break/tear/eat/lose/barf on which you'll make me pay for._

_7.__Leave them alone on the balcony._

_8.__Any magic tricks involving fire or sawing someone in half._

_9.__Give them loads of sweets right before we come to collect them._

_10.__Let them watch any Jim Carrey film. Luke will say that he's not scared of him anymore, but trust me, he is._

_Have an awesome time! Good luck!_

Barney reckons that so far he and Robin have avoided most of them- and even then, Luke doesn't seem to have noticed the time when Barney's called him "little bastard".

"Wha's 'at?" the boy pipes up.

"Dude, I thought you were asleep!?" Barney sighs. God, kids are exhausting! They don't stop, do they?

"Still can't,"

"You. Are. Such. Trouble. Aren't. You?" Barney says, leaning over and tickling his sides. Luke wriggles and squeals giddily.

"What's on the paper?" he asks once his breath's come back.

"Oh, it's a list of stuff your dad gave me to do while you're here. Or not to do, actually,"

"He gave us one,"

Luke slides off the couch and crawls over to Penny's backpack. After some rummaging, he holds up another yellow piece of paper.

"Penny can read it, and Daddy read it to me," he explains.

"Can I see?" Barney requests. He's intrigued as to what Teds' warned his kids about staying a night in the Fortress.

"Read it to me again," says Luke. He hands the paper over, climbs back on the couch and snuggles up to Barney, who absently puts his arm around him while reading aloud grandly: "_Things For Penny And Luke To Do At Aunt Robin And Uncle Barney's:_

_1.__Be nice._

_2.__Play together sensibly and don't fight._

_3.__Eat slowly. Remember to chew._

_4.__Don't believe everything Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney tell you- especially about me!_

_5.__Be careful on the balcony._

_6.__Don't let Uncle Barney wind you up too much._

_7.__Sleep!_

_8.__Beware of magic tricks. Or in fact anything Uncle Barney gives you._

_9.__Make sure that you watch ALL of the Robin Sparkles videos at least four times. Try and persuade Aunt Robin to sing/ dance._

_10.__Have an awesome time!_

_I will try and persuade AR and UB to act like grown-ups, although you know how difficult that is for them. Be nice to each other and have lot of fun!_

_Love from Daddy xx,"_

Barney kisses his fingers and lightly taps Luke's face with them, then blows a kiss towards Penny. It's a sickeningly lame move, but there's no one there to watch him, and there must be a Bro Code clause which allows sappiness towards a Bro's kids. Especially if the kisses are actually from said Bro, and not from himself.

"You asleep yet, Lukebox?"

The little boy mumbles incoherently but doesn't move. Barney counts slowly to three hundred before deciding that Luke really is asleep this time. He isn't sucking him thumb either, which Tracey will be pleased about (she read that thumb-sucking was bad for tooth development or something, and spent months trying to coax her son out of it). Barney folds both pieces of paper back into his breast pocket. Luke's little Ted-nose crumples in his sleep, and his eyelashes flutter. Barney smiles and strokes his hair.

**Thanks for reading. I'm not sure this one ended up quite how I wanted it to, so please review to let me know what you thought. Thank you so much.**


	3. OMG

**I'm assuming that by this stage Ted's kids know some stuff, like Ted and Robin having dated and lived together, so there's mention of it here. Also, some other stuff which Robin mentions, which Penny will hear Ted's version of when he does get round to telling the story.**

OMG

_2029_

"Oh my God, Aunt Robin, you will never_believe_ what happened at school today,"

"Penny, can this wait until later? I'm at work, can you call me back?"

"But- major crisis!"

"Major crisis,"

"What? Oh, right, it's that dumb joke you have with Dad. Anyway, Alex said-"

"You're not going to leave this till later, are you?"

"It's _really _important!"

"Go on, then. What's up?"

"Alex said that Louise said that Richard liked me, that was like a month ago…but today I found out that Richard's dating this girl he met when we went on that school trip to Philadelphia a couple of weeks back. We were there for three days! Richard knew the girl for _three days_ and now he's dating her. Don't you think that's ridiculous?!"

"Depends. Are they sleeping together?"

"I don't think so. Well, no, because she lives in Philly. _Gah_, Aunt Robin, I'm so mad at her, I think I'm just gonna buy a plane ticket, fly over there and-"

"Make sure you lick the Liberty Bell,"

"What? Is that something dirty?"

"No. Well, unless there's something Ted and Barney aren't telling us. One time they flew to Philadelphia on a whim and licked the Liberty Bell,"

"Definitely sounds dirty. Anyway, I'm so mad at this stupid Philadelphia girl. What a btich. I mean, I was _clearly _doing all the back-off-he's-mine signals the whole time we were there,"

_"__Clearly_ you weren't doing them very well,"

"Or this girl's just a greedy ho who can't see when someone_clearly _has claim on a boy,"

"Yeah, or that. I'll teach you some real back-off-he's-mine signals for next time. In the meantime, I give what's-his-name and Philly girl a month at best. Long distance relationships doesn't last when you're fourteen,"

"You think?"

"If you want the truth, Penny- _no_ kind of relationship lasts when you're fourteen,"

"Thanks for the optimism,"

"You're welcome. You're more like your Dad than you think you are,"

_"__What?!"_

"Nothing. I didn't say that,"

"You better not have done; my Dad's a total dork,"

"You think you need to tell me that? I dated him for a year and lived with him for three,"

"Yeah, I can't believe you lived with your ex. That's so weird,"

"You go to school with your exes,"

"Yeah, but that's unavoidable. I _have _to sit next to Niall in Maths and Ethan in French. I can't leave school 'cos I broke up with them,"

"You have a point. Are we done now? I seriously am at work,"

"Oh, right. Sorry,"

"This what's-his-name and what's-her-name-from-the-school-trip will blow over in a month, trust me. Probably before then,"

"I hope so. Thanks Aunt Robin. I'll see you in a couple'a weeks,"

"Sure. Say hi to Mom and Dad from me. And honestly, Penny, it'll all be-"

Click.

**Thank you for reading. Please review, all feedback is really helpful!**


	4. Soccer

Soccer

_2025_

"I am never talking to you again,"

"Aww, come on,"

"Do you have any idea how embarrassing you are?"

"She fouled you, Daisy, and the referee didn't call her out on it,"

"Yeah, and I didn't need you to go storming over and ranting at him,"

"You did,"

She stops abruptly and turns to face him. Marshall glances over to Daisy and Barney, and can't help but note how Lilyish Daisy's expression is. She's inherited her mother's angry-at-Barney glare.

"No. I didn't," she says witheringly, and marches away from him over to the car to where Marshall's stuffing her soccer kit-bag into the trunk.

Her little sister would whine, 'Dad-_dyyy_' at him, but Daisy simply opens the door, climbs into the passenger seat, clicks her seatbelt in and folds her arms.

Marshall gives Barney an amused glance, and gets into the driving seat.

Barney sighs, and opens the back left door of the car.

"Good game, Daisy," says Marshall cheerfully.

"We lost three-two,"

"But you played well- oh, who am I kidding, yeah, you lost. Bad luck,"

Daisy sighs unhappily and gazes out of the car window.

"Daddy," she whispers a little later, "Promise me you'll never let Uncle Barney come to one of my soccer games ever again,"

"I can hear you," Barney butts in. They ignore him.

"He wanted to come. He's proud of you,"

"If I wanted someone to embarrassing tantrums on the pitch-side, I'd bring Anna,"

"That tackle was unfair, Day. She should have got yellow carded," Marshall points out.

"But she didn't, and we got on with the game. We didn't need Uncle Jackass to start World War Three,"

"Sitting_literally _right here," Barney reminds them.

"_I_ might have called the ref out, to be honest," Marshall admits, "It was an obvious foul,"

"I would have killed you," Daisy sulks, "Almost as much as I'm going to kill Barney,"

"What's worse, then: an embarrassing Dad or an embarrassing Uncle?" Marshall tries to pacify.

Daisy considers. "An hour ago I would have said Dad, but now I think I'll go with Uncle. God, everyone will be asking at school on Monday why I have some creepy, angry-"

"-Awesome-"

"- Interfering, unhelpful moron coming to watch my soccer matches,"

"Daisy, I can guarantee that your Uncle Barney has embarrassed me more than he's embarrassed you today," declares Marshall.

"Not possible,"

"Barney used to have this feud with a guy who worked on the building opposite his office. He got me involved in this stupid-"

"-Awesome-"

"-Okay, it was kind of awesome," Marshall concedes, "-prank war,"

"Yeah," jumps in Barney excitedly, "I'd get that dude's coffee and then I'd-"

"Yeah, I know what you did," cuts in Marshall, shuddering, "But that scheme got pretty embarrassing,"

"Speak for yourself- you're not the one who got his motivational poster eaten by white mice,"

"Oh my God, I forgot about the mice!" says Marshall.

"The mice was my best idea…also my dumbest idea," Barney admits.

"You're as bad as each other," says Daisy, again in a Lilyish tone.

"Barney was worse," Marshall says.

"Actually, yeah. Barney's way worse," agrees Daisy.

"Daisy! Day!" he calls from the back seat, "Wanna see a magic trick?"

"No,"

"It's a good one,"

"No,"

"It's a new one,"

"No,"

"It won't set you on fire,"

"No! I'm not going anywhere near your magic after last time,"

"That was an accident! Tell her, Marshall,"

"Barney, you_did_ set her hair on fire,"

"By mistake!"

"Sorry, buddy," sighs Marshall.

Barney sighs dramatically, flops back into his seat, balloons one of his cheeks and begins flicking it with his finger to make a hollow pop noise.

Daisy looks at Marshall wearily.

"He's the biggest kid of us all," she says.

**Thank you for reading. Please review to let me know what you thought- especially if you've favourited- you know who you are, and I know who you are ;- )**

**Thank you so much.**


	5. Tip

_"You mean the whiney, bottomless pit of neediness?He was bugging me so I spiked his Echinacea tea with codeine,"_

_"You're gonna be a great mom!"_

-2.11, _How Lily Stole Christmas._

Tip

_January 2023_

There's a bad flu going round this Winter, which Luke and Penny have both caught badly. Luke's often ill because of his allergies, but with Penny down as well and Ted on a project in DC for the weekend- and with 4,000 words to write for Monday herself, Tracy's losing the will to live.

_Yeah, Barney's sick too, _Robin tells her as they're texting while Luke and Penny laze on the couch, coughing, squirming and half-heartedly bickering. The noise of their coughs is offputting, even when they aren't whining, "_Mooooooooom!"_

_God, sick Barney must be a nightmare, _replies Tracy.

_He can look after himself. He just gets annoying, _Robin tells her, _so I spiked his tea._

_What?! _Barney and Robin always amuse her with the competitiveness, jokes and, it seems, the fact that they drug each other.

_With codeine. I've been doing it for years- ask Ted._

_And that works?_

_Exhibit A: _replies Robin, sending a photo of Barney sprawled in their bed asleep. He's mostly covered by the duvet, with one arm hanging out over the side of the bed. _Live from Manhattan!_

_You two are weird._

_Sometimes I don't even do it when he's sick. Sometimes I just do it when he's irritating me, _Robin admits.

_You drug your husband because he annoys you?! _replies Tracy, then adds, _that is awesome!_

_You gonna try it on Ted?_

_No. That _would _be unfair. Definitely the kids though._

_Glad to spread some Scherbatsky awesomeness to the suburbs._

_Don't know if I'd call it awesomeness or manipulation. Or poisoning. Then again, I suppose I have used poison before._

Fourteen years and that murderer line is still funny, Tracy smiles to herself. She really should thank Cindy for the joke.

"Do you two want some herbal tea?" she asks the kids, never having been more grateful that she and Ted got them drinking tea this young.

"Yeah," croaks Penny. Luke nods and squirms uncomfortably.

Tracy goes into the kitchen and puts the kettle on, then pops upstairs to the medicine cabinet to find the codeine.

Twenty minutes later, Luke and Penny are curled up together, empty mugs set down on the floor in front of the couch as they snooze. Their breathing is quiet and almost in-sync, and if Tracy didn't know what squabbling, sniffing moaners they'd been all weekend, the scene might look cute.

Satisfied, she sinks into the chair opposite them and snaps a photo. She texts it to Robin and adds, _Thanks!_

**Thank you for reading. I'd love to know what you think of this one, so please review! Have an awesome weekend.**


	6. Instruction

Instruction

_2033_

Penny's phone rings one evening after dinner.

"Uncle Barney?" she says, picking up.

"Hey, Penny,"

"Hi. What d'you want?"

"To see how the coolest Mosby is getting on. Duh,"

"Um, I'm fine thank-"

"Alright- ya got me," he barks, "I'm calling cos Robin told me that you're going out clubbing on Friday, and I want you to know what you're getting yourself in for,"

"Oh my God! She _told _you! Everyone says that Aunt Lily can't keep a secret, but Aunt Robin is so much worse!"

"I won't grass you up to Ted. I only want to warn you that-"

"That there's plenty of guys in New York who are exactly like you were before you married Aunt Robin," she finishes for him.

"Well, yeah," he concedes, "And because that that was me twenty years ago I'm the best person to tell you about the insane lies guys tell in clubs just to get you in bed,"

"What, like that they're from the future? Or that they're working for the Secret NASA?"

"It was the Secret NYPD!" he argues, "Ted told that story _all wrong_! Snyped totally worked!"

"Look, I'm eighteen. I'm going out to have a fun time, not get hit on. Anyway, your scams may have worked in like 2010- but it's 2033 now. The world, and pick-up artistry, have moved on,"

He splutters back, outraged.

"Sorry, bro," Penny sighs lazily, "You left the game twenty years ago. I don't think your help's valuable,"

_"__WHAT?!"_

"Face it, Uncle Barney- you're old," she smirks, enjoying his horror.

"That's- how dare y- I can't- how ca- possibly- I mean even- after- you can't-seriously- are you ki-since whe-" he chokes, "Robin! Robin, finish this call! I can't possibly-"

Penny hears some more spluttering for a couple of moments, and then Aunt Robin's voice says,

"Hello?"

"Aunt Robin you are such a snitch," accuses Penny, "I can't believe you told him about me going out on Friday. That was between _us_!"

"I didn't snitch! I wasn't snitching to him, it just came up in conversation. Anyway, nobody snitches _to _Barney, do they? They snitch on him,"

"Who else have you told? _Mom?" _panics Penny, "You know what Mom's like about going out to anywhere which isn't some lame music club,"

"I only told Barney, I swear. And just humour him, okay? He still thinks he knows how to be Player King, and he can put that to good use by helping you out,"

This line of argument clearly does not make any sense. "He got married _twenty years ago,_".

"Since when has Barney Stinson ever had any grasp on logic?" Aunt Robin points out. It's a loophole argument, but nevertheless, Penny has to admit, a strong one.

"Well-" Penny begins to argue.

"He's only looking out for you, in his own weird way. And it's better than having a lecture from your dad, right?"

"Yeah. Definitely,"

"Just humour Barney, okay?" say Aunt Robin again, "I know most of what he says won't be relevant, but when is it ever?"

"Fine,"

"That's my girl. Hey, Bar-"

There's a snatching noise, and then Uncle Barney's voice comes back, "Rule Number One: _No shots. _Rule Number Two: No Jäger-anythings. That includes meisters, bombs and bulls. Ruler Number Three: No matter how hard you rub it, his penis will not grant wishes. Rule Number Four: If he's a different race to the president, chances are he isn't his son. Rule Number Five: The ring is probably candy. Rule Number Si-"

"Ah, so when you said you want to give me some advice for Friday night, what you meant was you want to recite _The Playbook_ to me. I don't know how you remember all that stuff,"

"It was my life's work for fifteen years. You think Shakespeare forgot _his _plays after he stopped writing?"

"You know that it's a different kind of play, right?"

"A magician never forgets his greatest trick,"

"Or like fifty tricks in your case,"

"One hundred and thirteen," he deadpans.

"Well, I'm not dumb enough to fall for any crap like that,"

"How do you _know _that, though? I bet that's what all the girls who I made fall for this would have said the same- and then they _did _buy it,"

"What's your point?" Penny sighs.

"That Rule Number Six is that Enormous Penis Syndrome is not- I repeat, _not_\- a real thing,"

"_Really?!" _Penny gasps in faux-shock.

"Yeah," he confirms, not grasping her mockery, "And I've checked; only four people have ever won two Nobel Prizes. And they're all dead. So don't believe anyone who tells you he's Frederick Sanger,"

"Noted,"

"Are you writing this down?"

"No. I can remember,"

"What about after a couple of beers? Get a biro and start taking notes,"

She puts the phone down for two seconds, stamps her feet lightly picks the phone back up then says, "Yup, got one,"

"Let me hear you writing,"

"What the hell?"

"I want to make sure you're taking this down. Put the phone near your pen and let me hear you write,"

_"__Ugh,"_

Defeated, Penny gets up to retrieve a biro from the kitchen table and finds the back of the instructions for using the new TV remote. She scrawls on the instructions, putting the phone nearby.

"Happy?" she demands.

"Hmm, alright. Now, Rule Number Seven: If he says he's the ghost of Leonardo DiCaprio…"

By the time Barney lets her go, Penny's notes cover all the instruction booklet, plus 2 receipts and the back of a magazine.

She never tells him that his advice actually comes in useful.


	7. Natural History Repeats Itself Again

**This chapter is big on pathos, but I thought it was an interesting idea.**

Natural History Repeats Itself Again

_2025_

Last year, Mommy banned Uncle Barney from buying Luke and Penny birthday presents. She said that the house was cluttered enough, and Uncle Barney's presents- Storm Trooper, full size table-soccer table, rocking horse, giant dollhouse, dartboard- were taking up too much room. So instead, Uncle Barney's birthday present is to take Luke or Penny out for the day on their own; they get to choose where. The first year this system's in place, Penny wants to visit Yankee Stadium, so Uncle Barney takes her to a game. Luke wants to spend his birthday just playing in Central Park. The next year, Penny wants see _The Lion King _in the theatre. And when Luke's birthday comes around, he wants to visit the Natural History Museum.

"I'm surprised Daddy hasn't taken you there already," Barney notes.

"He did, but I never got to see the dinosaurs because he was showing me the echo hall,"

"Right, so you want me to take you to see the dinosaurs. I love dinosaurs,"

"So do I!" Luke squeals joyously, "Did you know that a diplodocus had over a hundred bones in its neck?

"Really?"

"Hmm-mm. It's the longest dinosaur ever. I'll show you my model!"

Luke scampers upstairs to search through his dinosaur collection.

"I swear he knows everything about damn dinosaurs," says Ted, "We don't hear the end of it,"

He tries to sound exasperated but his pride is unmissable.

* * *

The nearest Saturday to Luke's birthday, Barney takes the train up to Westchester, picks up Luke from Ted and Tracy's house, and together they go back to Manhattan. Luke's brought four of his favourite dinosaur models with him, to see if he can find their skeletons at the museum. They only find two (Utahraptor and Pterodactyl), but Luke doesn't mind because they see the biggest dinosaur footprint ever found in the whole wide world, and a _real_ T-Rex skeleton.

"I wish I could ride a dinosaur," says Luke, "That'd be the coolest thing ever,"

Barney catches his eye. Uncle and nephew give each other a look…

When Barney tells the story to everybody later, Luke climbs to the top of the T-Rex skeleton. Barney sits on its back and the skeleton comes to life and they ride around the museum, and it is legendary (he has fun scaring Marshall with this story).

What actually happens is this:

Luke ducks under the barrier and makes it two steps towards the skeleton before the security guard notices.

"Excuse me, stay behind the line, please," he orders. Luke swallows and takes another step forward, pretending he hasn't heard. Because riding a dinosaur would be awesome, and the guard wouldn't scare Uncle Barney.

"Hey, get back. You're not allowed to touch the exhibits," says the guard more firmly, blocking Luke's way. Luke looks up, "Back behind the line please, little man," He puts a hand on Luke's shoulder to lead him away from the T-Rex skeleton.

Once Luke's back behind the barrier (embarrassed, he buries his face in Barney's side) the guard tells Barney, "Can you keep an eye on your son, please?"

Can you keep an eye on your son, please. Can you keep an eye on your son. Your son.

Your son.

If the guard had said anything else, Barney would retort or try to sneak Luke in round the other side, but instead he just mutters, "Sorry," gives the guard a distracted smile.

Because once, he got into serious trouble here for ruining an exhibit, when was with a man he was told was his uncle but was actually his dad. And once, he got in trouble for touching the exhibits, and his world crumbled because he _found out_ that the man he thought was his uncle was actually his dad. And how, he's in trouble here with his nephew, but who the guard and the people around them must assume is his son. The opposite of that day with Jerry all those years ago. Barney feels peculiar and breathless- but then he remembers that Luke is _actually_ here, still half-hiding behind him in embarrassment.

"Aw, shukseydoodles," Barney says, sounding false-cheery to both himself and Luke, "What an old fart that dude was, not letting us have any fun!"

"That was scary," gasps Luke, reappearing, "I thought he'd tell me off,"

"That's a not a telling off. One time, I was here and-" but then Barney realises both his stories about getting into trouble at the Natural History Museum are to do with dads and sons and uncles, and he doesn't want to tell Luke about it at all- "Never mind. You gave it a go, and you were very brave,"

This cheers Luke up a bit, "Yeah, I thought you'd be impressed if I kept going the first time he told me not to,"

_Great. _Barney could almost laugh, because these parallels keep getting better and better, don't they? A little boy trying to impress his cool Uncle.

"You don't need to impress me. You impress me enough already,"

This embarrassingly Teddish statement sounds somewhat contradictory, but he hopes that Luke understands. However, Barney hardly ever says anything sincere like that to the kids and it feels awkward, so he hurriedly kneels down and brightly tells Luke, "Jump on my back,"

Sensing that there's something weird going on which they're trying to look past, Luke obediently jumps on and Barney stands up again, carrying him piggy-back.

"I like being this high. This is what it must be like to be Uncle Marshall," the boy notes, hooking his arms around Barney's neck. Barney laughs, but he can't help but now recognise how many people walking past them must think he's Luke's dad. He's with his nephew who people might believe is his son, when once he was here with his father who _he _believed was his uncle.

Barney wants to be alone right now. He knows that he isn't going to cry, but reckons that perhaps he might like to. He feels cold, but he also feels like the little boy standing in the office, not knowing that Jerry was signing in ink that he was Barney's father.

"Are we going anywhere, Uncle Barney?" asks Luke timidly. He isn't sure _how_ he can tell that something's up, but it definitely is. Uncle Barney seems sad, and like he's not paying attention to Luke being there. Luke's chest feels a bit tight and he nervously bites his lip.

"Sorry, dude," says Barney abruptly. He shakes his head, trying to dislodge these uncomfortable, melancholy thoughts. He'll make up a story, Barney decides, a story where he and Luke rode the T-Rex around the museum and it was legendary, and he never thought about these twisted parallels which make him feel wrong inside.

Carrying on his back the boy who isn't his son and never will be, Barney says, "Come on, kid. Let's go get an ice-cream,"

**Thank you for reading, I'd be really interested to know what you thought of this chapter, so please review. **


	8. The Mundane And The Ridiculous

**This chapter is dedicated to everyone who has had exams recently. I hope they went well! **

The Mundane And The Ridiculous

_2028_

"So would you say that weddings in Israel are more religion-orientated than weddings in the States?"

"Erm probably,"

Anna pauses, pen in hand. "I think I'll say that, then,"

"Is that everything? You've got two pages of notes now,"

"Yeah, that's enough for my assignment. Thanks so much, Aunt Robin,"

"S'alright. You'll have to fact-check a couple of things though. I was only in Israel for two weeks, and it was four years ago now, so some of that info might be totally inaccurate,"

"I know, I'll check. I'll ask Marvin for all the flag and currency and land mass stuff; he's really good at that,"

"Doesn't he have exams soon?"

"Yeah," Anna shrugs, "But he'll help me, he's always got time for me. Not like Daisy,"

"Are you two fighting again?" Robin rolls her eyes.

"She's so patronising. She's always moaning at me. She says that Mom and Dad have a double standard for me because I'm the youngest, and that's a total lie; Daisy makes her own enemies,"

"Sisters are meant for annoying each other; that's literally their job description. I _always_ used to patronise my little sister, so don't take Daisy seriously,"

"Easy for you to say- isn't your sister in Canada?"

"Yup. That's the other great thing about sisters- when you grow up you can move _far_ away from them and only call them twice a year,"

"I wish I could do that with Daisy,"

"Does she get on with Marvin as well as you do?"

"Yeah, but Hitler would get on with Marvin,"

"He's just like your dad in that way. Marvin is, I mean, not Hitler,"

"Marv's taller than Dad now, actually. Mom thinks he'll grow to six foot six, I think he'll grow to six foot eight and a half,"

"Jeez, you three are giants,"

"Mom says she feels like she's permanently at Stonehenge. Cos we keep growing though, I get all Daisy's old clothes, and that's annoying because they're so scruffy. She only wears soccer jerseys! I much prefer Penny's hand-me-downs, and actually me and my friend Cara found this cool super-cheap boutique in Brooklyn where we buy clothes fro- oh, here's Daisy,"

The fourteen-year-old blonde appears in the doorway clutching a stack of paper and four biros.

"Hi, Aunt Robin,"

"Hi, Daisy. How's' revision going?"

"Ugh," sighs Daisy wearily.

"See what I mean about the soccer jerseys?" Anna stage-whispers to Robin.

"Don't use that tone," Daisy snarls, "Stop trying to sound grown-up,"

She gives Robin a _huh-kids-eh? _look and tramps back upstairs.

"This is what I have to deal with," says Anna dramatically. Frankly, Robin doesn't blame Daisy for finding her annoying; Anna's neediness and haughtiness become grating after a while. She's inherited Lily's tendency for thinking she knows all about everybody else- except Lily _does _mostly know everything about everybody else, whereas Anna only assumes. Then again, Robin reflects, perhaps as a big sister herself, she just has a natural annoyance towards younger sisters. Or maybe she's still getting used to Anna's world of ballet and Sylvanian families- she's very much a girly girl, unlike tomboyish Daisy and bewilderingly brash Penny.

"Anyway, thanks for helping me with my Israel project. You wanna stay here until Mom and Dad get home? They shouldn't be long,"

"If I'm not getting in anyone's way,"

Ironically, at that moment Marvin thunders downstairs, ducking under the doorframe into the kitchen.

"Hello," he greets cheerfully.

"Hi. Anna tells me you're working hard,"

"Non-stop," he replies sounding proud, smug and exhausted, "Today I've marked out all the use of colour, and sound, and references to vehicles in _The Great Gatsby. _Anna, have you offered Aunt Robin a cup of tea?"

"Uh… nope,"

"And this girl got her Hostess badge at Brownies," he scoffs, giving Robin the same _huh-kids-eh? _look as Daisy, but matily ruffling Anna's hair as he goes over to flick the kettle on.

"How's work going? You off on an assignment any time soon?"

"I might be going to Budapest in a few months for this environment conference that's going on there," Robin tells them.

"Where's Budapest?" pipes up Anna.

"It's the capital of Hungary," answers Marvin.

"I swear environment conferences happen _all the time,"_

"They do," confirms Robin.

"Does anyone ever decide anything at them?"

"God, no. It's just politicians sitting round a table with lots of bits of paper and statistics. Stuff hardly ever gets decided on and if it does nobody acts on it,"

"That's how politics works," Marvin adds sagely.

"So why do you go?"

Robin shrugs, "To stand outside famous buildings and report on what may or may not be happening inside. But it's a lot of work because we have to get there early, and do loads of research because if we catch somebody for an interview we have to know exactly who they are so we can ask the right questions. But there's also a lot of waiting around with nothing to do,"

"That won't be fun in Budapest," says Marvin, "It can get as low as twenty-eight in those parts of Europe,"

"How do you even know stuff like that?" asks a voice, and Daisy re-appears.

"Because I'm studying Geography at high school, dumbass," retorts Marvin, flashing her a grin.

"You lot were causing such a racket I couldn't concentrate," says Daisy.

"We were only _talking_," Anna points out, "You don't need complete silence in the house to revise,"

"It would be nice if we got it, though," Marvin jokes, picking Anna up from behind and clamping his hand over her mouth. Anna lets out a muffled squeal and kicks her heels against her brother's knees until he lets her go, then lunges for him. Anna's more agile and Marvin goes easy on her, so soon she's leapt on his back and is trying to drag him to the floor by his shoulders. Daisy joins in then, rugby-tackling Marvin around the knees which makes him groan through his laughter. He wobbles and Anna falls off his back, allowing Daisy the chance to knock her over as well, but this gives Marvin room to take hold of Daisy's legs and hoist her upside down.

"Tickle her, Anna!" he yells in triumph, and Anna does so readily. Only when Daisy's red-faced, gasping and begging for mercy does Marvin tip her upright and set her down on the floor again. Daisy takes a second to get her breath back, then grabs Anna around the waist for a revenge attack, while Robin provides commentary, "And it's Erikson tackling Erikson- but then it's Erikson twisting back Erikson's leg- and now Erikson's on the floor- one, two, three, four- and Erikson is back up again, looking for a revenge scuffle with Erikson- but Erikson's too fast, teaming up with Erikson to bring Erikson down…"

When Marshall and Lily return home, Marvin is lying on the kitchen floor, giggling and spluttering while his sisters sit on his back tickling each other. Marshall looks at Robin in question, but she just shrugs back.


	9. Numbers

**I'm assuming that Marshall and Lily's third kid is older than Luke, so Tracy probably wasn't pregnant with him by this stage, which is why her second pregnancy and Luke aren't mentioned.**

**Also, I think that Aly's daughters are cutest kids in the world XD**

Numbers

_Autumn/ Winter 2016_

For his fortieth birthday, Robin treats him to a long weekend in London. It rains constantly the four days they're there, but with him being a New Yorker, and her being a New Yorker via Vancouver, the weather causes little concern. They visit Saville Row and the Magic Circle, and Barney returns laden with a new range of magic tricks which he proudly shows off to the gang on the first night back in MacLaren's (when everybody's present, the gang numbers nine and a half including the Erikson foetus, which the boys have nicknamed Hurricane). Ted admits to loving the card tricks, and Marvin is mesmerised by how Barney can make objects disappear and reappear. Barney promises to give them a full magic show at the Erikson's new place soon. Unfortunately, the only thing that Daisy takes from the evening is the word 'Forty' which she's associated irretrievably with Barney.

For the next few weeks, whenever she sees him she pipes up, "Forty! Forty!"

"_Shhh._ Shhh, Daisy. We said we're not going to mention that, didn't we?" he reminds her, "If anybody asks, I'm thirty-four. Got it?"

She giggles. "Forty,".

Predictably, Marshall and Lily are no help, and make no effort to correct their daughter. In fact, everybody apart from Barney finds it hilarious.

"You were always going on about how you're older than me," says Ted the next weekend while they're taking Penny out for a forage in the Westchester woods, "Well, now that's coming back to bite you,"

"I just don't want people _knowing_, okay? Least of all complete strangers knowing because a two-year-old thinks that Forty is my name,"

"Hey, is that a grey hair?" asks Ted teasingly, and Barney jumps like a firework's been stuck up with leg.

The Mosbys are in hysterics.

"Is it really that bad?" asks Tracy at last, "Being forty's like being an actual adult,"

"Exactly!" Barney snaps, "Anyway, you can only say that because your husband's like ten years older than you. You're a dog, Ted,"

"It could be worse," Tracy interrupts.

"How?"

"For a start, you could be fifty,"

"Ergh, don't," he shudders, "Fifty is only cool if you're still in the game- I'm married; I don't need to play the Clooney card,"

_"I_ know how it could be worse," says Ted smugly.

"Whatever it is, I don't want to know," sighs Barney.

"It could be Swarley," says Ted gleefully.

"Oh my God," he cringes.

"What's Swarley?" Tracy asks, knowing that it's going to be something embarrassing for Barney- which is always funny.

"It's not even a-" he begins, but Ted cuts him off.

"I must have told you this story!"

"You tell a lot of stories," Tracy deadpans, "Which one is this again?"

"Once we went to a coffee shop to see if it was better than hanging out in bar," he explains, "It wasn't, but the day wasn't wasted at all because the waitress wrote 'Swarley' on Barney's coffee cup!"

He cracks into laughter again. Tracy remembers the story, and joins in the laughter, mostly to annoy Barney.

"And he absolutely hates it!" gasps Ted.

It takes another hour before Barney can shut them up.

_"You_ don't think it's funny, do you?" he asks Robin desperately the next day.

"Well…" she answers vaguely (knowing that it is, in fact, hilarious).

"Why didn't she pick up 'Magic', or 'Legendary' or 'Hand-stitched-tailoring'? Why does it have to be Forty?"

"Relax. She's two. She'll find something else to obsess about soon," she reassures.

And that gives him an awesome idea.

"A-ha!" Barney cries abruptly, "Got it! That kid is gonna forget everything about how old I am, and remember everything about how awesome I am! You wanna know how?"

"Really, I-"

"Glad you asked! I'm gonna go full-on Stinson gimmick-ry with them. Suits, Laser Tag, magic, awesoming all over the place- it's all gonna hit those Erikson spawn like Billy Zabka hit that New Jersey rat! Starting tonight!"

Barney wrestles himself into his suit coat, grabs his wallet and keys, yells, "Gotta go, I need to have a word with Guy!" and runs out of the door.

That evening he performs, as promised, his full Magic Circle show for Marvin and Daisy. On Tuesday night he takes them out to Laser Tag, and by Wednesday the suits he had ordered for them have arrived. Marshall wrangles both kids into their news suits, and Barney could burst with pride at how suave Marvin looks (even if the kid does keep trying to pull the tie off).

"Look at my ladykiller pal," he announces to Marshall and Lily, holding Marvin up.

"I don't kill ladies," Marvin points out.

"Ya do in that suit!"

"He's being silly," Marshall tells his son gently.

"See, Daisy? My name's Barney_…_or That-Guy-Who-Buys-You-Clothes-Which-Aren't-Really-Meant-For-Girls-But-You-Totally-Rock-That-Look-Anyway-So-It-Doesn't- Matter,"

Barney puts Marvin down and gets on his knees in front of Daisy, "Can you say that, Daisy?"

She yawns, gives him a blank look, and dribbles.

"Let's try again shall we?" he continues, unperturbed, "Baaar-ney,"

Blank look.

"Suits. Soooooots…Lil, I think your baby's broken,"

"She's tired. You've been burning us all out the last few days," Marshall yawns, flopping onto the couch beside Daisy.

"In case you didn't notice, we're still unpacking," Lily points out.

Barney sighs, "Alright. I'll stop for tonight. But at the weekend, I'm back and I'm bringing...tigers,"

"Tiger!" gasps Marvin.

"Yeah!" Barney beams, getting into the idea, "And a lion and a bear and a viper and a gorilla. And a puppy, cos puppies are cute,"

"Real ones?" clarifies Marvin.

"Duh, real ones," says Barney, as Lily grimaces and shakes her head _no _at her son.

"Come on, let's get you two to bed," says Marshall hurriedly, picking Daisy up, "Barney, you wanna help?"

Barney doesn't need to be asked twice, and instantly jumps up to chase Marvin into his bedroom. He pretends to be a tiger and eat him, and then helps Marvin get into his Spiderman pyjamas and hang up his new suit properly.

"You can name it if you like,"

"You don't give clothes names, Uncle Barney,"

"Why don't you? This suit I'm wearing is called Fitzgerald,"

Marvin thinks for a while. "Tom,"

"Nice. You have to wear Tom every time you see me, got it? And every time you're at a party, cos the chicks'll love you,"

"Chicks?"

"Okay, I think that's enough," comes Marshall's voice as he appears in Marvin's room, "Say goodnight to Uncle Barney, Marvin,"

"G'night, Uncle Barney,"

Marvin hugs him, and Barney whispers in his ear, "Every single party, got it?" then heads next-door to say goodnight to Daisy. Marshall and Lily planned to get her a proper bed once they moved into their new Brooklyn house, but they haven't got round to it yet so Daisy's still in her baby cot. She's nearly asleep and has that open-mouthed look all snoozing toddlers seem to have. Barney leans on the rail and watches her.

"Hey, you. Tomorrow I'm expecting you to start calling me by my name, and tell anybody who asks that I'm thirty-four. Thirty-five if you must. Yeah? Yeah, good girl. I'll buy you a pony if you do. All kids want ponies, right? I _still_ want a pony. Well, maybe a racehorse. Hey, what if I actually bought a racehorse, Daisy? Not to keep in the apartment, but to sponsor or something like that. That'd be so cool. It'd be the best horse, obviously; it'd win me tonnes of money. I'd tell you that I'd name if after you, but you know that I won't. Perhaps I'll name it after me. Or Hef. Or Jon Bon Jovi. You think that's a good idea, Daisy?"

Addressing her directly, Barney snaps out of his reverie and remembers that he's speaking to a sleeping toddler- but talking to someone who hears but doesn't listen or understand feels surprisingly comforting. So he sits down on the floor beside the cot and begins to tell Daisy about his work ("We had this one assignment with crack dealers in Brooklyn. It was awesome,") and his blog ("Bit less traffic this month, but that's how things go, right?")and his next big idea ("BrOlympic Games!")- and then to be honest he starts rambling ("… surely it makes more sense for the Giants to play in red at home…"). It's relieving and therapeutic. In fact, chatting to a sleeping two-year-old is so relaxing that Barney reckons he must have drifted off at some point, because suddenly it's midnight and his butt's numb from sitting on the floor. Daisy's facing away from him and breathing heavily, and Marshall and Lily have probably gone to bed by now too. They're always tired these days, he reflects, what with two small children and another one on the way and work and the new house. Perhaps being so tired so constantly means Marshall and Lily are older than he is, despite what the birthday cards say. He hopes Daisy stops calling him Forty one day, but Barney decides that he'll be alright for a while if she doesn't.

He puts on his jacket and leaves the house quietly, into the night.


	10. Snapshots

Snapshots

2023

_Yo! Just arrived at our hotel in Seoul! _she texts.

_Awesome, _answers Ted, _how was flight etc?_

_Very long. I watched 4 whole seasons of _House

_Why do they still have that show on planes?_

_Dunno. Sooo jetleggaed, and I've got to be in the office this afternoon aaah :O_

_Korean coffee's really strong, isn't it? Buy loads of that, _Ted recommends.

_Good thinking. Barney wants to show you the view from our room._

She texts a phot of the view- a car park. Barney's standing in front of the window, looking moody and holding up a piece of paper on which he's written, _7000 miles for this : ( _

_If you want I can recommend some great Korean architectural sites, _Ted teases.

_Yeah…no,_ Robin answers.

_This is the scene in Chez Mosby, _Ted texts, attaching a selfie of himself, Tracy, Luke, Penny, and the dog. Penny is perched, beaming, on her father's knee giving the camera a wave. Tracy sits beside Ted with a sleepy-looking Luke, and the dog's face can just about be seen squished in next to Tracy. _We're watching _Up.

_Overrated _Robin replies immediately.

_Beautiful_

_Until the wife dies it is. After that it's silly_

_Scherbtsky, you have no heart_

_Will take that as compliment. I'm more tired than Luke looks so I'm gonna crash for a while before work_

_Good luck later. You'll be awesome xx_

_Thanks!_


	11. Sparkling

**I realised when writing this chapter that it's original (arguably risky) writing for Ted's primary audience- the kids- to be so bored by the story which the secondary audience- the viewers- have to be invested in. **

**Obviously characters and some dialogue belong to HIMYM, not to me.**

Sparkling

_July 2030_

"Guess what Dad did a couple of weeks ago,"

"Ramble about bridges? Try to convince you that Coldplay were a decent band?"

"He told us how he met Mom,"

"And it took _forever,"_ cuts in Luke, "Like literally _hours,"_

"He started when he met you," Penny clarifies.

"When he met _me? _That's ten years before he met your Mom," Robin frowns.

"Tell me about it," groans Luke, "He told us all kinds of stuff you do _not _want to hear about your dad, let alone about your dad _from _your dad,"

"Weird stuff about his exes and how he kept rebounding to you, and tonnes of Uncle Barney perviness,"

"My husband, folks. Ho!"

_"__Our dad!"_

"I've been put off both of them for life," shudders Penny.

"Like, _some_ of it was interesting," concedes Luke, "The part where Dad got beat up by a girl was awesome,"

"And a goat,"

"A girl goat!"

"I guess the part with the two-minute date is cute in theory, but not if it actually happened," muses Penny, "Same with at the beginning when he told you he loved you on your first date,"

"When you were _totally _just there cos you wanted a bang-bang-bangity-bang," Luke sniggers.

"Hey! That date led to your dad and me becoming best friends," Robin says defensively, "And I liked him very much on our first date,"

"He tried to make it sound like when he met you was really important in him meeting Mom, cos if he never met you, you would never have married Uncle Barney so there wouldn't be a wedding, so Dad wouldn't have met Mom. We didn't buy it though; his story was an excuse to tell us a mixture of creepy stories and lame-ass moral crap,"

"I swear to God you fell asleep for a while," Penny accuses her brother.

"Yeah, I drifted off around the Autumn of Splitsville," he admits, "Woke up in time for you and Uncle Barney to get engaged though,"

"Again," Penny interjects, "That proposal was cute in theory, but- no, actually, not cute in theory. Screwed up and manipulative in theory and in practise," she evaluates, "I'd've said no. I'd've punched him,"

"Thanks for your input, Pen,"

"The amount of proposals and unproposals all you guys had was insane,"

"Everyone makes mistakes in relationships…and your dad-"

"Made billions!" laughs Luke, "Mom was the third girl he got engaged to, how nuts is that? And did you really appear in a commercial for adult diapers?"

"He told you _that _story?" Robin cringes.

Luke sniggers again, "And the one where you got to second base with Not Neil Young, and the one when you inspired a drinking game-"

"And the one when you and Uncle Barney did the Murtagh list-"

"-and the one when you nearly got deported...although I think that was twice, wasn't it?"

"There were a lot about Uncle Marshall and Aunt Lily as well," interjects Penny fairly, "Like their Hallowe'en costumes and when Aunt Lily pretended to be a hunchback, and Marshall Versus The Machines, and-"

"So basically Ted told you every dumb thing we did for ten years. Great,"

"Hey!" calls Ted's voice from the kitchen, "Can one of you two come help with the plates?"

"Dibs you!" yells Luke, and so Penny jabs him in the ribs and goes to help Ted with dinner. Robin tries to change the subject from Ted's marathon embarrassment saga, by launching into asking Luke how his school play is going. He's in the middle of explaining why he would much rather be playing Caliban than Ferdinand, when Tracy and Barney return home from the shops laden with ice-cream and crisps and beer and Coke. Not long after that, Ted's burgers, chicken wings and corn on the cobs are ready, and everybody crams onto the sofa and chairs in the den to watch the World Cup final. And Ted's odyssey isn't mentioned until a few weeks later when Luke checks with Barney about how he obtained those mariachi costumes.

However, on the train home that evening after the World Cup, Robin remembers something. A pair of teenage siblings- a boy and a girl- sitting beside one another on a couch, growing increasingly bored by one of their parents telling them how they met the other. Except they weren't Ted's kids, they were her own; her smirking, Suited-Up son and her pale, pretty, dark-haired daughter. They were sat beside a Stormtrooper, listening to how she met Barney.

_Kids, have I ever told you the story of how I met your father?_

_"__I'm pregnant," "Are you sure you're not just getting fat?"_

_"__If I'm pregnant, you're the dad," "That's wonderful!"_

_"__I don't want kids, I've never wanted kids, and never in a million years, will I ever want kids!"_

_"__You know: meet a nice guy, get married, vault some poles… but I never wanted that. Of course, it's one thing not to want something, it's another to be told you can't have it. I guess it's just nice knowing that you could someday do it if you changed your mind…but now, all of a sudden, that door is closed,"_

_"__It's not your job to cheer me up,"__ "__Yes it is. Cheering you up_ is_my job,"_

_If you want to know the truth of it, I'm glad you guys aren't real._

The story's real but the kids aren't- so the story won't be told. And it's ironic, isn't it, that Ted- whose shoulder she cried on that night in December, who cancelled his Christmas holiday for her and didn't ask why- Ted's the one who ended up telling _his _children the same sort of story. Well, is it ironic?, Robin reconsiders, surely it makes _sense_. Ever since Robin met him, Ted's longed for the opportunity to spin yarns for his children- and she never did, never has. The children were always Ted's to have. The story was always Ted's to tell.

Robin imagines Luke and Penny slumped on the couch listening to Ted rattle on, and then her mind blurs the Mosby two into her own children; the ones she imagined years ago. On that bitter night in Central Park with a bottle of eggnog and a cold heart, Robin both mourned those two ghostly children and was glad that they weren't real- and now she feels a similar contradictory relieved grief. She and Ted both got what they wanted, but that doesn't mean that she can't regret not having what she never did want.

Robin's sitting in a four-seat arrangement in the train. She's in the seat next to window with Barney beside her, swearing under his breath while he checks his phone for the results of his World Cup bets. There's a table in front of her. And opposite, two empty seats where the children she won't have don't sit.

**Thanks for your time. I don't know if the ending of this chapter seems to brief, or if Ted's telling of the story should have been on a more significant occasion than here when it was just on a random day. Whatever your opinion, please let me know in a review. Thanks again. **


	12. The Fact Of The Matter

The Fact Of The Matter

"Marshall! Long time no see!

"Hey, Barney. Yeah, sorry, I've been bust with work and the kids. What are you up to?"

"Suiting up. Looking cool. Awesoming all over the place,"

"Same as usual?"

"Of course. You wanna hang sometime, bro? It's been _ages,"_

_"_Course I do. Sorry I've been so busy lately,"

"What you doing on Friday?"

"Ah, I can't do Friday- Anna's got her school play,"

"Oh. Well, tell her good luck. Saturday?"

"I'm taking Daisy to the doctor's in the morning, but-"

"I see. Don't worry,"

"I'm sorry, Barney. I'll call you in the week when I've found a free evening,"

* * *

"Ted, Ted- I've got two tickets to Van Halen at Madison Square. You in?"

"Great! When?"

"The sixteenth. You in?"

"The sixteenth, um…let me check the calendar, sixteen…sorry, Barney; I'm taking Luke to Cub camp. It's his first one and he's nervous; I have to be there to say goodbye. Sorry about that,"

"Don't be. It's alright. Totally. Absolutely. It's fine,"

"I'm so sorry, Barney,"

"It's cool. It's all good! No problem. Awesome,"

* * *

"Can I stay over tonight?"

"What?"

"Can I sleep over at your place? Only for tonight; only on the couch. Please, Lily?"

"Why?"

"I…me and Robin had a fight,"

"Again? What is it with you two lately?"

"I don't know. We're not working like we should, and it sucks. It really sucks,"

"What happened?"

"It's a long story…isn't it always? We find any excuse to snap at each other these days. I'll explain when I'm at yours,"

"Barney, I- you can't stay over,"

"Only for tonight, I swear. We both need some time to cool off and I promise I'll be off your hands in the morning,"

"We can't. You have to sort these things out yourself- you can't run away in a marriage,"

"I'm not running- it's a strategic getaway from a dissatisfactory situation. You and Marshall have a night out and I'll babysit,"

"We're busy, the kids have homework and it's a school night- and you_ know_ that the right thing to do is sort your argument out now, not hide away until tomorrow,"

"But-"

"We're just too busy. You don't need us; you're a big boy now,"

"I_ do_ need you,"

"You need to sit down and talk everything through with you wife. I can't always be your Mom, Barney, and you know that you're not doing yourself favours thinking I can be,"

* * *

"Trace, I need someone small for the Laser Tag championship on February 19th. Partner me?"

"Barney, I'm seven months pregnant. I am _not_ small,"

"Oh yeah. Damn,"

* * *

"You're good at Math, right Uncle Barney?"

"What? Oh, Luke. Yeah, I rule at Math,"

"Can you help with this algebra question? I'm stumped and so are Mom and Dad,"

"Do you mind, ah, phoning back in maybe twenty minutes, half an hour?"

"But my homework's due for tomorrow. And why are you out of breath?"

"Err, me and Aunt Robin are, um…catching…a…pigeon,"

"What?"

"Yeah, a pigeon flew straight into our apartment. Crazy, right?! And we've been chasing it so we're both out of breath so we'd appreciate it if you gave us a bit of time to, err… finish…catching the pigeon,"

"But the question says bracket-x-minus-two-bracket divided by bracket-x-plus-two, so I don't know if I'm supposed to expand the whole bracket or multiply the twos first…"

* * *

"Ted and I are buying tickets for last Yankees game of the season; interested?"

"When is it?"

"September twenty seventh. It's a Bros Day Out: beer, burgers, burping, betting slips. It's gonna be legendary!"

"Can Marvin come?"

"It's a _Bros_ Day Out, Marshall; not a Bros And Sons Day Out,"

"The kid's got two little sisters, he _needs_ a bros day. And he's into baseball at the moment,"

"But we never get to hang just the three of us anymore!"

"It'll still be the three of us except with a special guest. You know he's quiet and he can sit still- he'll be no trouble,"

"That isn't the point,"

"If I go out for the day on my own, Lily's left at home with three under-tens to entertain,"

"So you'll return the favour next time she wants a day off from the kids. Come on Marshall, it's one afternoon!"

"And I'd be bringing _one_ kid. Sorry, but it's both Erikson boys or no Erikson boys,"

"Ugh, fine. I'll buy four tickets. But he'd better follow the Bros Day Rules to the letter…"

* * *

"I'm hoooome!"

"Hi, buddy. How was Athens?"

"Amazing. There's tonnes of old stuff there- you'd love it. The food's gorgeous and the beaches are excellent. It feels different because a lot of the houses are white, and there's sea air- oh, and in restaurants they smash plates! And the waiters dance in fire! They pour petrol on the ground and light it and dance around it, and then the waiters bring plates out and everyone puts their arms around each other and dances in a circle while the waiters smash plates in the middle. It was…well, you'd say it was redonkulous,"

"Wow,"

"It looks like Mamma Mia but without the tacky singing. Robin was at work loads so I had a lot of time and I really learnt my way around the city. I even visited a museum. And I only stole, like, two things from it! And-"

"Don't start up again, Penny- I'm on the phone…no, not now…in a minute…look, here's your red pencil; don't I always tell you to look properly?…Good girl- sorry, Barney, what were you saying?"

"There's hills everywhere. The whole city is on hills, so it feels outdoorsy even for a capital. Oh, and there's these wraps which are sort of like tortias except they've got spinach in them, which are sold on every corner,"

"The food was the best bit, then?"

"Not the best bit, but it was _tromerós_. All the restaurants have ten times more range that Greek restaurants in New York, and the portions they give you are ginormous. You can tell why Greek guys are fat,"

_"Will you be quiet?"_

"What?"

"Sorry, I was talking to Penny. She's playing me up this afternoon, and- ow! No, we _don't hit._ No hitting. Go and finish your colouring,"

"As I was saying, I'd've put on weight if I hadn't been doing so much walking up and down those hills. One day I went on a coach tour to where this Oracle's supposed to be-"

"Delphi?"

"Yeah. It was like the Temple of Doom except-"

"No hitting! That's _it!_ I am _sick_ of your behaviour today, madam! Barney, can talk to you later? I've got a little girl who is being _very silly_ who I need to have a word with,"

"But I went to the Acropolis,"

"Oh my God, you did? That's the greatest architectural landmark in the world!"

"I took photos for you,"

"You have to tell me everything! I'll call back as soon as I can,"

"Sure,"

"I'll be, like, five minutes,"

* * *

"Robin's been away for three weeks now and I'm going out of my mind. I'll give you three hundred bucks to come over here and have sex with me,"

"You're disgusting,"

"Five hundred if you can be here in half an hour,"

"In your dreams. Well, not in your dreams, because you have a seriously hot wife who can be in your dreams, not me. And for the billionth time in twenty years- I am not having sex with you,"

"Alright, I was only kidding- but d'you wanna hang out tonight? I'm bored,"

"It's eleven at night,"

"And?"

"And I'm a working Mom,"

"But it's Friday night!"

"Yes, so I'm exhausted,"

"Please?"

"How about tomorrow?"

"How about now?"

"If I leave the house now, I'll be at your place by midnight; that's far too late,"

"No it isn't! Come on, Lil, it'll be fun,"

"I'm sorry, Barney. We'd love to have you round at the weekend if you'd like. Or maybe we could all get the train down to Manhattan,"

"What happened to you, Lily? You used to be fun and we went to bars and clubs and concerts and the cinema. And now you're in bed by eleven on a Friday night,"

"Time happened, Barney. Family happened,"

"Right now I wish it hadn't,"

* * *

"Where's Tracy? I haven't seen her in a while,"

"Penny had a cold, didn't you, Pen? And now Tracy's caught it off her,"

* * *

"Robin! Robin, I bought the coolest thing ever!"

"What?"

"The book of Thirty-One Day Sex Position Challenge. New position every day for a month, starting May first. Thirty-one positions in thirty-one days. Here's the book, see; we tick them off when we've tried them. Oh, and I also bought a pack of thirty-one different flavoured condoms. May is gonna be the awesomest month ever!"

"We've got Penny and Luke staying over for a weekend though, don't we? Never mind, I guess we can skip those two nights and make it the Thirty-Three Day Sex Position Challenge,"

"What?_ No!_ It _has_ to be thirty-one days! It's a _month,"_

"So what? Nobody's checking how long it takes. Are they?"

"No, but the point is it's thirty-one days,"

"Thirty-one, thirty-three- it doesn't matter,"

"But it's not the same,"

* * *

"Dude! You know what we need to do?"

"Go on,"

"Barney And Marshall's Atlantic City Bender 2: This Time No Babies. You; me; fifty shots of tequila. Loud noises; sluttily-clad chicks; stolen motorcycles. Poker; blackjack; xíng háishì bùxíng. It's gonna be legend- wait twenty minutes for your beer to arrive cos the bar's swamped- dary! Legendary!"

"I thought you quit jshinghash-whatever,"

"I quit being_ addicted_ to it; I didn't quit playing. Sean Connery quit playing James Bond but he didn't stop _being _James Bond,"

"I can't,"

"Of course you can- it's an easy enough game if you pay attention. I'll play the first few rounds for you, then you can take over-"

"No, I mean I can't go to Atlantic City with you,"

"Because you want to go Vegas! Now we're talking!"

"Dude, I've got three kids; I can't go gallivanting off to Atlantic City,"

"Because you want to go Vegas!"

"Because things aren't like that anymore. You know they aren't,"

"That attitude, Erikson, is precisely why you need to elope with me to AC,"

"I've got kids. I've got a job. I'm a dad. Look what happened on the original Barshall Bender To AC- I almost missed Marvin's birth,"

"So you can't possible miss anything as important this time, bro,"

"That isn't the point. I'm sorry, Barney. I have responsibilities,"

* * *

Just because Barney loves the kids it doesn't mean he can't hate them too.


	13. First Sight

First Sight

_2015_

Robin has never believed in love at first sight. Love at first sight only happens in movies, music videos and to Marshall and Lily. To say that she'd fallen in love with Barney at first sight would be ludicrous- she barely noticed him until Ted's third party. Barney himself would probably call love at first sight, "something idiots think they feel". Interest, appreciation or lust at first sight- yes. Love at first sight- no.

But right now, standing in the hospital room watching Ted Mosby in bed beside his wife, while Tracy holds the bundle of swaddling and Ted carefully strokes his daughter's almost-bald head- Robin thinks that she might have to reconsider. Because the tears in Ted's eyes and the pride on Tracy's face, and the tiny baby clutching onto the blanket - seem perfect. Robin thinks that, perhaps, this baby is the most precious thing in the world right now. She's always assumed that knowing someone is required to fall in love with them- yet none of them know this baby, because she's only squirming bundle of about three hours old. Yet, she loves her. Robin knows that she loves this person, whoever she is; whoever she'll be.

The peaceful scene is interrupted by Barney (of course) crashing in, babbling and panting. He rushes past Robin and stops abruptly in front of the bed for a second, taking in the scene. Ted half-says something, but Barney cuts him off by launching himself towards him, hurling his arms around Ted and pressing a kiss into his hair. Ted is too overwhelmed by his daughter to be alarmed, but Tracy and Robin glance at each other in confused amusement. Still with his face in Ted's hair, Barney thumps Ted on the back a couple of times.

"Dude!" Ted protests, spluttering.

"Sorry," breathes Barney heavily. He lets Ted go, gives Tracy a look so hard it's almost a glare, and drops to his knees beside the bed. He seems so weird and wired that Robin can't help but run a hand down her husband's hair and his back as he kneels on the floor. Barney doesn't seem to notice. Robin wonders if he's feeling this bizarre love-at-first-sight feeling towards Ted's little girl- but to be honest, Barney Stinson's definition of love is probably even more contradictory and confusing than even her own. So she simply strokes his neck again, and watches the baby blow a couple of saliva bubbles in her sleep. Tracy laughs tearfully and gently wipes her daughter's mouth.

Robin wonders how Tracy must be feeling- she's the baby's mom. She must be falling in love times a billion. On top of that, she has just given birth, not only the most painful human experience, but Robin reflects, the weirdest too. Ted, to his credit, seems to be coping well- he hasn't had a panic attack but is instead in tearful shock.

Robin's still clumsily stroking Barney's hair, but then he leans forward away from her and reaches across the bed. Lightly, he brushes his thumb across the baby's cheek.

"Hey, honey," he says in a clogged voice, "Welcome to the party,"

**Thank you for your time.**

**I'm really excited for the next chapter- it's a bit of a magnum opus, which I've been working on for months. Should be up within the next couple of weeks, so stay tuned!**


	14. Night Times

**I loved Ted and Tracy in 9.19 **_**Vesuvius, **_**so I knew that I had to include something about Tracy being ill. I also knew that I had to write a chapter with all the kids in it together- so this is the result.**

Night Times

_2024_

"Try to be calm, okay?"

_"Calm?_ How can I be calm? My best bro's wife is in hospital having one of her boobs chopped off! Robin, this is not a being-calm situation!"

"We're going to have a nice evening with Marshall and Lily and Ted and all the kids. We're going to have fun. And you are _going to be calm,"_

"Sorry, did you not hear the part about the best friend and the wife and the boob guillotine?"

"It's not a boob guillotine, Barney, it's a mastectomy,"

"It's horrible, and-"

"And we're going to give Luke and Penny a fun evening with us and their cousins to take their minds off it,"

"Okay. Okay, I'm going to breathe. _Breeeeathe," _Barney announces to himself, as they turn down the Erikson's block.

"Good boy,"

"You think Lily'll be any help? Lily's good at calming me down,"

"She's also good at being hysterical, so it could go either way,"

"I've written some jokes. Y'know, to make them laugh. So there's this Irish vicar and this Polish duck, and they go into a coffee shop, and-"

"Lily won't let you tell that one,"

"Why not?"

"Because it's about a duck giving oral sex to a vicar,"

"So? It's funny,"

"It's funny, but Luke is six,"

"Marvin might get it," he suggests hopefully. Marvin's twelve, after all.

"Well, don't let Lily hear you telling him any jokes like that,"

"I've been practising prat-falling,"

"Is that what the crashing noise last night was?"

"I couldn't sleep so I hurled myself over the couch a few times," Barney explains, "I can do one-point-five flip,"

"Impressive," she congratulates him. Barney takes a packet of chewing gum out of his pocket, and offers his cigarette to Robin.

"You want the last drag?"

"I quit," she reminds him, "Years ago,"

"Yeah, and Ted thinks I did too," Barney says smugly, helping himself to the last puff. He drops the cigarette, crushes it with his foot and kicks it into the patch of grass which counts as a front garden here in Brooklyn. Next, he takes a packet of chewing gum from his back pocket, and shoves four of them into his mouth. He doesn't smoke very often; it's just that he's nervous tonight so he's been chain-smoking all the way from the subway.

Robin rings the doorbell, and takes a couple of deep breaths. She tries to tell herself that it's a fun night hanging out with the now massively extended gang- but they all know that it isn't. Ted believes that explanation is important, so Penny and Luke have known for a couple of months now that their Mommy's sick, and Ted and Tracy have explained to them that Tracy's into hospital to have an operation to cut the cancer out of her. Luke's mostly cheerful because he assumes that after the operation his Mommy won't be sick or tired anymore be able to play with him again. This is probably true, but everyone else feels more distressed. Ted worries a lot about Penny, because for the last few weeks she's been either even more spiky and shouty than usual, or very teary. Worse, Tracy's usually the one who looks after the kids when they cry and now she's the one in hospital.

Marshall answers the door, with Anna sitting on his shoulders and Luke clinging to his leg.

"Hey, guys," he says. Luke immediately lets go of Marshall and hurls himself into Barney's stomach ("Oof! Dude, lemme breathe!") and Anna tries to lean over her father's head to butterfly kiss Robin.

"Anna, you're going to capsize me. You wanna get down?" suggests Marshall. The youngest Erikson is the only one still average size for her age, and she's remarkably agile. Within a second she's scurried down Marshall's body and is hugging both Barney and Robin simultaneously.

She squeals excitedly, "Anisa went to India and she got me an Indian elephant model and a picture of the Taj Mahal!"

Marshall uses the kids' distraction to whisper in Barney's ear, "You've been smoking,"

"Dammit. How can you tell?"

"Because you have chewing gum like a gobstopper in your mouth. I don't understand how Ted hasn't realised you never quit; you've been lying to him about it for years. And to think that my Routine never worked on Lily,"

"How _is_ Ted?" asks Barney, cutting to the chase and ignoring Luke's demand of, "Uncle Barney, lift me up!"

"He's alright," says Marshall. Barney follows him into the house, and Luke gives up and asks Robin to pick him up instead.

"How you doing, little man?" she asks cheerfully. Marshall and Barney give each other knowing, uncomfortable glances. As little brothers themselves, they both know that for a boy to be called 'little man' can be humiliating; it only reminds him that his siblings and everyone around him is taller, stronger, faster, smarter has longer legs and knows more facts and can reach higher shelves. Thus, the two men always share a mutually understanding look of disapproval whenever any of the others call Luke -or even Marvin- 'little man' or 'little buddy'.

They enter the Erikson's den, where Marvin, Daisy, Penny and Ted are kneeling on the floor around the coffee table with a Monopoly game in mid-play in front of them. Robin's used to the fact that the kids always crowd around Barney before her, and it gives her a chance to plunk Luke on the floor and whisper quietly to Ted, "How're you getting on?"

Ted exhales heavily and she puts an arm around him.

"I'm alright. Trying to distract myself, but it's difficult. Tracy's better at dealing with this than I am; half the time it's her comforting me, so it's...it's funny how she's the one who got cancer,"

She rubs his back, "Well, in a few hours' time she _shouldn't _have cancer anymore,"

"I know, and I'm trying to look at it that way. Luckily I've got this 'orrible lot to keep my mind off it," Ted says, grabbing the nearest child to him (it happens to be Anna) and pulling her onto his lap to tickle her. Barney has Marvin and Penny in a headlock in each arm, and of course a tickle-war starts. Marvin wriggles out of Barney's grip to move the Monopoly table safely out of the way, before re-joining the scuffle.

* * *

Once the impromptu wrestling match is over an everybody's caught their breath, Monopoly resumes. Robin joins Marvin and Barney joins Team Anna. The Eriksons do have a Star Wars Monopoly, but Daisy and Anna have got bored of playing it and so instead they're playing the original London version, from a set that Robin bought them from England a few years ago.

"This version's better than our version," notes Luke.

"Hey! Michael Graves Monopolyis awesome!" protests Ted.

"Oh, Daddy," says Penny patronisingly, "No, it isn't,"

Daisy rolls a ten and lands on Park Lane, and decides not to buy it.

"We are _so _buying Park Lane and Mayfair," Barney whispers to Anna.

"They're too expensive,"

"Precisely,"

Then Lily rolls a four, landing on Pentonville Road, and buys it. Marvin, proudly enjoying his role as Banker, takes her money and finds the card.

Five rounds later, Penny has opened a hotel on Fleet Street, Luke is desperately waiting to land on Bow Road so he can own all the oranges, Marvin and Robin are making good money by buying all the stations and utilities, and Anna's thrown a strop because she and Barney landed on Park Lane and bought it, only for Daisy to land on and buy Mayfair, the other dark blue.

"It's not _fair_!" she wails, "We were buying the dark blues!"

"I landed on Mayfair; I want Mayfair; I bought Mayfair," retorts Daisy smugly.

_"You knew we wanted Mayfair!"_

"That's the game, Anna," Daisy point out.

"This is _your _fault," Anna accuses, rounding on Barney, "You said we should buy the dark blues!"

"Alright, I'm sorry," he concedes, "Daisy, what if we swap you Regent's Street for Mayfair? And we'll throw in _this ten pound note_,"

He holds the fake Monopoly note out to her, then does a swift manoeuvre in which he flicks a real ten dollar note out from his sleeve and swaps it with the Monopoly money. Anna's sitting on Barney's knee so she's blocking everyone else's view- so it's only Daisy who sees the trick. She takes the ten dollar bill and hands over Mayfair, and Anna beams and gives her sister the Regent's Street card.

* * *

Pizza arrives at seven, and is eaten in the den with everybody crammed on the couch, beanbags and the floor. Barney and Robin find it disgusting- and pointless- how Penny insists on picking the cheese off her Margherita. Then the kids are left to play and watch TV in the den, while everyone decamps to the kitchen.

"She'll be in the operating theatre now," announces Ted, getting agitated now he isn't in front of the children.

"Holy shit!" Barney squeals, and Lily elbows him hard in the stomach to shut him up.

"Keep cool, Ted," she says in a shaky voice.

"No, I- I know," he breathes, but he's pacing up and down the kitchen.

"Nothing you can do," says Robin.

"Two hours and it'll be over," Marshall reminds them all. Barney takes to repeatedly flicking the on/off switch on the kettle.

"Yeah. Come on Teddy, keep it together," Ted mutters to himself.

"It's a solution operation," says Marshall, "And there's very little risk,"

Lily looks wobbly so he firmly puts his arm around her.

"Your two are doing well," Robin notes, "I thought Penny would be much more-"

"Like a rabid porcupine," Barney supplies helpfully.

"Daisy's a good influence on her," Ted explains, "Being with Daisy and Marvin brings her down a peg or six because she's not the oldest when they're around,"

"-WILL YOU STOP FLICKING THAT GODDAMN KETTLE!" Lily snaps abruptly.

Barney winces, lets go, and holds his hands up in surrender.

"Try going up the Burj Khalifa tower in Dubai with Barney and his button-pushing obsession," says Robin darkly.

"Well, we got to see every floor didn't we?"

* * *

"Snap!"

Gleefully, Penny collects the pack of cards and adds them to her pile. There's only her and Anna left in the game and it's close. At home, Mommy and Daddy sometimes let Penny win- they think she doesn't know but she does, and it's annoying that they don't reckon she can play properly. And Luke often gets bored in games, so when Penny beats him it doesn't count, because she knows he wasn't trying. So Penny likes that her Erikson cousins are all super-competitive. Monopoly, swingball, races, games of I-Spy, quizzes, sandcastle-building and card games are exciting and difficult to win. The problem with card games, however, is that Uncle Barney's taught them to cheat. Last Christmas, Daisy realised that she, Marvin and Luke were all using the same method to cheat in Chase The Ace. A lengthy debate led to the eventual reveal that at some point over the years, Uncle Barney had taken each of them aside to teach them how to switch cards, count cards, see other people's cards- every trick in the card-trick-cheat book. However, when cornered about this, Uncle Barney pointed out that technically all the kids were now on an equal footing when playing against each other. So Mosby/Erikson card games are now highly unconventional and complicated, but still technically fair.

Marvin's watching the Snap game, while Luke and Daisy are sprawled lazily on the floor gigging as they compare their favourite parts of _Frozen 6._

"When Amelia and Lilia got married, and then the polar bears came and the baby polar bear falls into the lake,"

"-And then Bjorn finds the bear and the bear says 'Thought I'd get snowed under!'"

"Mom, what's your favourite bit of _Frozen 6_?" Daisy asks and Robin and Lily enter the room.

"I haven't seen it. Dad took you, remember?"

"Oh yeah. Aunt Robin, what's your favourite bit of _Frozen 6?"_

"Daisy, I would rather drown than watch _Frozen,"_

"What about _Frozen 6?" _Luke points out.

"I would rather drown in ice-cold piranha-infested water than watch _Frozens _one through six,"

"If the water was ice-cold it would nearly _be _frozen!" Daisy quips, and is proud when Aunt Robin laughs.

* * *

Luke sits on the side of the bath and watches Marvin brush his teeth. He reckons that when he's twelve, he wants to be like Marvin. Marvin's tall and good at organising. And he's nice. And he's grown-up but not _a_ grown-up.

Marvin spits into the sink, rinses his mouth out, opens a little box on the sink, takes something out and puts it into his mouth. He moves his jaw around like a horse eating a carrot, then puts his toothbrush back in its cup and says, "Your turn, Luke,"

"What's that thing in your mouth?"

"My retainer. See how my teeth aren't properly straight—" the older boy says, says, pointing to where his front incisors cross, "The retainer pushes my teeth so they straighten up. I wear them at night for about a year, then I have to get braces,"

Luke notes that Marvin's voice sounds thicker and more lispy now he has his retainer in.

"Cool,"

"It hurt a bit when I first got it, but not anymore,"

Luke looks into the bathroom mirror and gives a toothy smile. His teeth are straight, but perhaps when the last of his baby teeth have fallen out, his grown-up teeth will be wonky. He hopes they are, because then he can get a retainer.

* * *

"Guess what?" Ted announces to the kids.

"What?"

"Mommy sings you _La Vie En Rose _every night before bed, right? Well cos she isn't here, we're going to sing it instead,"

"You three?" asks Daisy.

"Yup," says Marshall.

"We've been practising," says Ted.

The kids glance at each other, and Marshall stands up to conduct. He takes the tune, Barney takes the high harmony and Ted provides an "Oooh," on a melody they wrote.

_"Hold me close and hold me fast, the magic spell you cast, this is la vie en rose. When you kiss me heaven sighs, and though I close my eyes, I see la vie en rose-" _Penny and Luke can't help but sigh and close their eyes when the song gets to that part, "_When you press me to your heart I'm in a world apart; a world where roses bloom. And when you speak angels sing from above; everyday words seem to turn into love songs. Give your heart and soul to me and life will always be, la vie en rose,"_

The three of them reckon they make a good barbershop trio, and the kids look impressed. Marshall and Barney say goodnight to everybody, and then Barney sneaks out for a smoke, and Marshall heads upstairs. On the stairs he passes Robin, who asks, "How was the performance?"

"Kids were totally impressed," he reports smugly.

"You three are all pretty good singers. Better than _The Funk, The Whole Funk And Nothing But The Funk,"._

"_TFTWFANBTF_ were awesome," Marshall retorts, "I should call them,"

Upstairs, he finds Lily debating bedrooms.

"Would it work if Robin slept in Marvin's bedroom, and Barney and Ted shared Anna and Daisy's room?"

"Yeah,"

"But what if Ted wants to be on his own? Then _he'd _have to have Marvin's room...but I'm not having Barney and Robin together for a night in a room where our children normally sleep,"

Marshall shudders. "I'm pretty sure Ted doesn't want to be on his own tonight. Let him and Barney have the girls' room,"

"D'you think we should split the girls up soon?"

"You mean give them their own rooms? Do we have space?"

"We could convert the garage. We should, you know. Better to do it now than have two teenage girls sharing a bedroom,"

"Would it be that bad? They could borrow shoes and do each other's hair,"

"Wow, you really did grow up with brothers. Teenage girls sharing a bedroom will be like a fight between a cheetah and a lioness,"

"If it's a matter of family safety, then, we should maybe move one of them into the garage,"

"How was your trio? Did Ted come in at the right time in the second verse?"

As wife of the conductor, Lily's been following Marshall's Skype rehearsals and nagging for the last couple of weeks.

"Yup. Robin even said that we were better than _The Funk, The Whole Funk-"_

_"-And Nothing But The Funk,"_

* * *

Meanwhile, Robin's loitering outside the den while Ted says goodnight to his kids. Marvin's sharp enough to distract his sisters, giving Ted some relative privacy with Luke and Penny.

"You two have been so good this evening," he tells them, "I'm so proud of you, and when I tell Mommy she'll be so proud of you too. Her operation will be done by now," he adds, because it's important to keep them in the loop.

"Will she have woken up from the antstenetic?" asks Luke.

"Anaesthetic," Penny corrects him.

"Not yet," Ted explains, "But soon. And she'll be sleepy so she'll sleep tonight, and I'll go and visit her tomorrow, and I'll tell her how well-behaved and awesome you two were tonight,"

"When's she coming home?" asks Penny.

"I told you; tomorrow, or if she isn't ready tomorrow, Monday,"

"Why not Sunday?"

"Hospitals don't let people out on Sunday,"

"Why?"

"I don't know, they just don't.

"Is there hospital church on Sunday?" Luke asks.

"I think there's a reverend, yeah. Now come on, get into your sleeping-bags," Ted tells them, "It'll be fun; having a sleepover with you cousins. But I want you to _actually_ sleep," he adds in a exaggeratedly warning voice.

Penny glances at Daisy and giggles conspiratorially.

"Well, whatever you do, be quiet," Ted concedes, knowing that they won't stop chatting, playing and giggling for ages, "Now c'mere,"

He pulls his son and daughter in close, hugging them tightly. Two spindly little bodies which he and Tracy made, two quirky little minds who he and Tracy nurtured. Everything he always wanted and more, and Christ he loves them so much. His batty little family who he loves more than he knew possible.

"Daddy," says Penny quietly after a while, "Can you let go now?"

"Oh. Sorry,"

He releases them, gives them both a quick kiss, ruffles Daisy's hair and winks at Marvin and Anna, and turns the light off as he leaves the room.

Robin's loitering outside, and as soon as Ted sees her the tears come. Not sobbing; more of a snivelly choke. He crumples into Robin's arms and lets her hold him; lets the tears come; lets her take him into the kitchen so the kids can't hear. She sits him down and keeps an arm around him, letting him cry wordlessly.

* * *

"Daisy?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever been to Coney Island?"

"I've been with you, silly,"

"When?"

"Last Summer. It rained and Luke was sick after we went on Thunderbolt and we called him Pukey Lukey until my Mom got mad at us,"

"Oh yeah, now I remember. I went with my friend Vivian two weeks ago, it was so good. We went on Cyclone, it has an eighty-five foot drop. Have you ever been on it?"

"No. We went to Coney Island in March but the queue for Cyclone was too big,"

"It's great but it doesn't go upside-down. I've never been on an upside-down rollerocaster,"

"I've been on the ones at Disneyworld,"

"Yeah, I can't _believe_ you got to go to Disneyworld Florida. Our vacations are all museums,"

* * *

"I've got a spare, buddy. If you want one,"

"Oh my God, really?"

"Yeah. You wanna wear it?"

"Do I wanna- do I wanna wear your spare nightshirt? Marshall, _of course_ I wanna wear your spare nightshirt!"

* * *

Despite Lily's planning, when it comes down it, the five of them make the unspoken decision to sleep in the same room that night; have each other to laugh with and talk to, and just be _there. _After a long debate, a cheque with many zeroes and Lily's protective instinct towards Ted winning out, the arrangement ends up being Ted and Barney sharing Marshall and Lily's bed, and the other three on the floor around them.

"I always liked you two together," Lily muses cheerfully.

* * *

Sharing a room with four other adults is weird, especially sharing a bed with a best bro. So Ted feels embarrassed about how he's ended up holding onto a half-asleep Barney, who's got his arm slung loosely around him.

He's been on a bit of a free-pass with a lot of people due to the whole wife-with-breast-cancer thing, but he has to admit that the cuddling-a-bro inclusion on the free pass is somewhat awkward.

But that doesn't mean he isn't grateful.

* * *

"It's crazy, isn't it? She's younger than us,"

"She's not even forty,"

"Exactly. And...cancer. It's serious,"

"Really, Lil?" Robin drawls sarcastically.

"You know what I mean. It's not like flu or a broken arm. It's...it's the big C,"

"D'you think she'll be doing okay? In the operation I mean,"

"She'd better be," Lily answers. They're whispering, assuming that Ted, Barney and Marshall are asleep.

"Weird to think of them actually, like, operating on her. Weird to picture it,"

"The whole Tracy-has-cancer thing's...surreal," Lily says, "You don't think it'll happen to someone you know. You know that it _could_ happen to someone you know, but you don't think it'll actually happen to someone _you _know. You know?"

"Surprisingly, yes,"

The two friends smile at each other.

"You think it'll be weird for Ted, knowing that one of his wife's boobs is fake?" Lily asks.

"Less weird that it's been knowing that one's cancerous,"

"Can you imagine how weird Barney would be about it if it was you? Hypothetically, obviously,"

"He'd kid himself into thinking that I'd had a boob job," Robin shrugs.

"Now you mention him, how are things with you and Barney?"

"One: You mentioned him. Two: _'How are things'_? We've been married eleven years, Lily; you don't need to ask us 'how are things',"

"How are things, Robin,"

"You know, in twenty years I've never asked you 'how are things' with Marshall,"

"That's because Marshall isn't a black-hearted puppet-master with daddy issues," Lily points out.

"No, but you are,"

_"Hey!_ Oh yeah, true,"

"Things are fine,"

Lily snorts.

"They _are!_ Everyone thinks that Barney and me are either constantly ripping each other's clothes off, or constantly ripping each other's heads off. Sometimes, we are in fact, just fine," Robin explains defensively.

"When was the last time he slept on the couch?"

"You have got to be kidding me,"

"When was it, Robin?"

"Has it ever occurred to you that this is my marriage, not yours?"

"Barney. Couch. When,"

"Fine. Um...two months ago? Three? Maybe more. It was only a silly little thing, though, not a full-on rabid fight. We're not babies, Lily,"

On que, there's a rustling noise above them as Barney wriggle in his sleep and snuggles closer to Ted.

"The five of us together again," Lily notes, changing the subject now that she has an answer.

"Like old times,"

"We had good times, didn't we?"

"Sure we did, back in the day. Remember the Thai food Fierro incident?"

"Oh God. Remember after the hurricane when we played in the rain?"

"Remember when you first moved into your apartment in Dowisetrepla, and you didn't realise it was crooked, and I kept winning Hungry Hungry Hippos?"

"And then we played roller luge,"

"Oh my God, yeah, roller luge!"

"We totally need to do roller luge again. Daisy's got a skateboard somewhere, and-"

"We don't need to play roller luge again,"

"Why not? Come on, it'll be amazing,"

We're not...it's not the same, is it Lily? There's no point pretending it is,"

"Wow, that got morbid quickly,"

"I'm just saying- the past was great but now it's...gone,"

* * *

"Dad. Dad,"

"Nf. Yeah?"

"Why are you asleep on the floor?"

"Barney paid me,"

"But why are you all asleep in the same room?"

"You five are having a sleepover- why can't we? Barney paid me for half the bed and we let Ted have Mom's side,"

"Cos of Aunt Tracy?"

"Yeah," Marshall concedes.

"D'you think Aunt Tracy's gonna be alright?" Marvin asks apprehensively.

"I think she will be, buddy," Marshall confirms.

"Are you sure?" Marvin pushes, sounding slightly suspicious. Until a couple of years ago, he'd have taken his father's confidence as the gospel truth- but now, Marshall reflects, he thinks differently, wider-scale. He questions more- not childish, repetitive 'Why?' questions; serious opinions and challenges.

"I can't be _sure, _can I? But a mastectomy usually works and the doctors have done it loads of times before, and we have to hope,"

Marvin frowns, and plonks himself down on the floor at Marshall's feet. Right now he's wearing a t-shirt he got at an inter-school sports meet, and grey flannel pyjama bottoms. Most of his little-boy pyjamas- cute matching ones with horses or pirates on- have been thrown away recently or passed down to his sisters. He doesn't want them, because he's not a cute little boy anymore; in a few months he'll be a teenager. He's becoming more teenagery; hanging out with his friends more, spending more time in his room, becoming more interested in bands and clothes and cell phones and getting a job. It's useful because they don't have to ferry him around as much, and he doesn't start wailing at the mall- but Marshall can't help but feel a slight loss for the small boy who held his hand and wanted bedtime stories read to him and thought that his Dad was the coolest guy in the world.

"Well what if the operation doesn't work?"

"She'll do chaemo again, but properly this time,"

"Don't you hate it when people think that it's the cancer that makes you lose your hair? Chaemo makes people lose their hair and it's the _opposite o_f cancer. It so annoys me," Marvin grouses.

"I guess," Marshall concedes, although he doesn't find it too annoying a misconception himself, "But Tracy probably won't have to do it again. Back to bed now, pal?"

Marvin considers, then stands up again and sighs, "Yeah. Night, Dad,"

"Night,"

He slips out of the room, walks back down the stairs and creeps into the living room. The other four are asleep, which gives him a strange feeling of separation and maturity. Briefly, he considers going back to his bedroom to sleep in his own bed... but if even the grown-ups are having a sleepover, he should probably maintain the solidarity with his cousins. Quietly, Marvin gets back under his blanket.

* * *

"One...two...three!"

Luke and Anna take a run up from opposite end of the kitchen and cartwheel, passing each other upside-down at the same time.

"You went too early," Luke critiques once they're on their feet again.

"Yeah you did. We have to get it _perfect,"_

Anna nods and gets into position by the fridge to go again.

"Your turn to count to three," Luke informs her.

"I know. One. Two Three!"

Anna's barely six months older than Luke, so they class themselves as basically twins. In fact, they enjoy telling strangers this when they're out at the park or the zoo or on holiday.

"Hi, I'm Luke and this in Anna, my twin,"

They're very susceptible to what the other are interested in; if Luke comes round in his cowboy outfit, Anna's his horse. If Anna's in a fairy phase, Luke plays fairies with her. Luke became obsessed with Egyptians when he studied them at his school, and naturally told Anna all about it, so despite her schools' History topic at the time being Native Americans, she quickly became almost as much of an expert as Luke on mummies, pyramids and how to write her name in Hieroglyphics.

Mostly they're referenced together; Anna-'nd-Luke; Those Two; The Twins; The Little Two (Marshall and Barney dislike the latter nickname) and are definitely the closest out of the five kids. Lily would be lying if she said she doesn't hope that Luke and Anna end up married to each other, but Marshall's convinced her that it might be twenty years too early to buy hats.

"That was better,"

"Yeah it was. Can I have a drink?"

Anna takes two plastic cups out of the lowest cupboard, kicks the stool over towards the sink and stands on it to fill each cup.

"Hook elbows!" Luke suggests, and they attempt to snake their elbows through each other's to drink from their own cup. They're giggling and wriggling so much that Luke ends up with water dribbling down his chin, which makes them both laugh harder, and they're hiccupping with giggling when Lily enters the kitchen.

"What are you two up to?" she asks, narrowing her eyes in an exaggeratedly suspicious way.

"Nothing," Anna and Luke chuckle together. Luke puts his hands matily on Anna's shoulders from behind, and she holds his hands and leans over, tipping him up off the floor onto her back. He splutters happily and Anna spins around a couple of times before Luke slides off. Lily laughs them affectionately and asks, "Is everyone else asleep?"

"Yeah. They're boring," Anna replies, then adds proudly, "We came in here not to wake them up,"

"Very considerate," Lily notes approvingly, and Anna glows.

"Can we have breakfast?" asks Luke, "I'm hungry,"

"Can you wait till everyone else is awake?"

"That's _aaaa_ges," Luke whines.

"Daddy sleeps for hours," moans Anna.

"Aunt Lily, d'you think Mommy's still asleep?" Luke asks, shoving his plastic cup on his face and breathing in to make it stick there.

"She'll have woken up from the anaesthetic in the night, but she'll still be sleepy,"

"Mommy's writing always makes her sleepy. What's for breakfast?"

"_Loads _of stuff!" Anna cries excitedly, "Me and Dad went shopping. _All _different types of cereal. And bread, and cheese, and funyuns and croissants. And eggs and bacon and beans-"

"Can't have bacon," says Luke, exhaling to drop the cup off his face.

"Oh my God, _really? _How come? Bacon's awesome,"

Luke shrugs, "I'm allergic,"

* * *

"Is that your third croissant?" Robin clarifies incredulously as Marvin slathers jam over the pastry.

"Yup," he shrugs cheerfully, shoving it into his mouth. Barney shudders. Daisy's feet have found his under the table and they're having a friendly kicking-war. Ted's sitting beside her, patiently explaining to Penny that what Lily calls Eggy Bread is actually the same thing as French toast.

"Why d'you call it Eggy Bread, then?"

"Have you ever seen a Bond movie, Pen?" Lily asks.

"Err, maybe," Penny guesses.

"You haven't," Ted answers.

"I watched all the Bond movies once and I liked his accent, so-"

"So Aunt Lily talked in a British accent for a couple of weeks. And in England they say Eggy Bread not French toast, and it sort of-"

"-stuck," Lily shrugs, "Besides, French toast sounds much more classy,"

* * *

"Mr Mosby, you're free to go in now,"

Ted stands up and follow's the nurse's directions into Tracy's room. She's in a hospital gown, sitting up in bed, and looks up when he enters.

"Hi,"

"Hi," he grins, ecstatic but nervous. He goes over to the bed and Tracy holds onto his lapel as he kisses her forehead.

"How was it?" Ted asks hesitantly, pulling up a chair beside the bed.

"Well, operations aren't usually fun,"

"The doctor told me it was successful,"

"Yeah,"

"So you're..."

"I'm not fixed, Ted,"

"I know, but you're...fixing,"

"A fix in progress,"

"A fix in progress," he agrees. Ted wants to be optimistic, but seeing his wife in a bed, wearing a hospital gown and attached to a drip, looking pale, frail and exhausted, makes that difficult.

"How was your night in Brooklyn? Was Penny a nightmare?" Tracy asks, and Ted's relieved at the subject change.

"Nah, she was alright. Daisy and Marvin are good for her, and actually we all had a nice time,"

"Are you sure nothing happened with you and Barney in the same bed? Those nightshirts are _so _sexy," Tracy grins.

"What? How on Earth do you know we slept in the same bed?"

Tracy clicks her tongue and winks in reply, and Ted realises with a jolt that despite the gown and drips and clinical smell, and despite the pallid exhaustion which comes from having major surgery- she's still his wife. She's still Tracy Mosby; creative, caring, optimistic and with a sharp and slightly twisted sense of humour. She's still his loving wife, the gently nurturing mother to his children, and his awesomely awesome partner in everything- until the end of their days and beyond.

You'll see.

**Thanks for reading this very long chapter. It's taken me **_**months **_**to write so I really hope you enjoyed it. If you did- or if you loved it, hated it, kind of liked it, have neutral views- please review.**

**Michael Graves, by the way, was an architect in NYC, and Michael Graves Monopoly**_** is**_** available. There's no way Ted wouldn't have bought his kids a set ;)**

**Please review! xx**


	15. White Jungle

**So thrilled at the feedback for the last chapter! Check out the poem ****_Amazon _****by Owen Sheers for a non-icky, non-sentimental account of breast cancer.**

**(Thank you to Guest who pointed out my Americanism mistakes. I do try to get them right, so thanks for letting me know I need to work harder). **

White Jungle

_July 2017_

The baby's lying face-up across Barney's lap while he strokes her little hand (hold up- babies doing escapology! Billion dollar idea alert!) with the back of his index finger. Robin, Daisy and Marvin sit (well, Robin and Daisy sit. Marvin keeps fidgeting and wandering along the couch) beside them, watching _The Aristocats. _It's about as peaceful as any moment involving the five of them could be...until Anna starts to cry.

"Hey. Hey, what's this about? You were almost asleep," Barney protests.

"Cries," says Daisy.

"Anna cries when she's sleepy," Marvin clarifies.

"For God's sake, can't she _sleep_ when she's sleepy," Barney grumbles, reaching for a dummy on the coffee table. He jams it in Anna's mouth but she spits it out, gives him a glare surprisingly frosty for a three-month-old baby, and lets out a louder squeal.

"Oh my God, _stop it_," he snaps.

Robin leans over Marvin to flick Barney's ear and hiss, "Take her outside,"

He huffs dramatically, then picks Anna up and carries her out into the kitchen.

"Don't like Anna crying," says Daisy.

"You don't like Anna," Marvin points out.

Daisy nods.

"How come?" Robin asks (talking to a three-year-old and a five-year-old is tough, but she's getting bored of _The Aristocats)._

"Cries," Daisy says again.

"Poops," puts in Marvin, and the two of them whoop with laugher.

"Smelly,"

"She makes Mom and Dad busy and tired," says Marvin.

"You like her," Daisy accuses.

"What d'you like about her then, Marvin?" Robin asks.

"I can hold her. She has tiny fingers. She smiles,"

"Does that make up for the crying and pooping?"

Marvin nods, then adds importantly, "I know about baby sisters cos Daisy was my baby sister,"

"I'm not a baby,"

"You _were_ a baby. You cried and pooped. _More!"_

"I didn't!"

"Daisy pooped her diaper lots," he reveals, thrilled.

Daisy tries to give Marvin a thwack, but fortunately at that point Barney comes wandering past the den door, jiggling Anna up and down and singing.

_"__I have often walked down this street before, but the pavement always stayed beneath my feet before..."_

"If it helps, I didn't like my baby sister much either, Daisy," says Robin.

"Do you have a baby sister?" asks Marvin, "I have two,"

"I'm not a baby,"

"I used to have a baby sister. She's a grown-up sister now," Robin explains.

"When she was a baby, did she cry as much as Anna?"

"Probably,"

_"__Are there lilac trees in the heart of town? Can you hear a lark in any other part of town?" _they can hear Barney singing, accompanied by Anna's mewling.

"Then again..." Robin reconsiders.

_ "__Does enchantment pour out of every door? No, it's just on the street where you live,"_

"Dad sings," says Daisy.

"Dad writes songs," Marvin elaborates proudly.

"Lots of songs,

"_Aaaand nice. _That was my part in the song on Mom's birthday," Marvin explains proudly.

_"__She's cuuuute," _Barney chips in, reappearing in the doorway with a snivelling- but no longer wailing- Anna.

"Wow, do you sing the Happy Mommyday song?!" Marvin asks excitedly.

"Once or twice,". Barney sits down on the couch and puts Anna back on his knees. Marvin and Daisy go back to giggling at _The Aristocats _(it is _pointless, _Robin thinks to herself. Even if it was dogs it'd be dumb). After a couple of minutes Anna starts to rumble dangerously, and Barney winces, lifts her against his shoulder, slowly extracts himself from the couch and begins to wander around the room again.

"You never know when she's going to cry," Marvin says sagely.

"Like Buckaroo?" Robin asks (Marvin shares his father's passion for games, though not yet his fine-motor skills).

"Yeah. Like Buckaroo. One time Daisy ate the cowboy hat from Buckaroo,"

Daisy nods. Marvin laughs at the memory, and so Daisy laughs too.

_"__Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime," _Barney sings, dancing around the back of the couch.

Robin groans. "No. No _Phantom. _Go somewhere else if you want to sing _Phantom," _

He halts mid-spin and protests, "But _Phantom_'s awesome. He's the greatest tragic hero in musical theatre,"

"Now you're just sounding like Ted,"

_"__Say you'll share with me one love one lifetime, say the word and I will follow you. Please, please, Anna will you go to sleep now, that's all I ask of you,"_

"Seriously, Barney."

"Alright, alright- no _Phantom._ What d'you want me to sing instead, Anna? How about... _I've never been in love before, now all at once it's you; it's you forever more,"_

Sometimes Robin wonders how her super-cynical, obsessively straight-guy husband can have such an affiliation for show tunes.

Foraging down the side of the couch seat for a toy car, Marvin absently asks, "Do you have no children because you don't like them crying?"

"Yeah. Partly," Robin answers, rather thrown by the question.

"Good," says Daisy. Marvin drives the car across the couch.

"And for other reasons," Robin adds, because her answer seemed perfunctory, "Because we're busy, and because I go away for work. And we don't like changing diapers much,"

"You change Anna," Daisy points out, prising the toy from her brother's fingers.

"But that's only like now when because we're looking after you when your Mom and Dad go out. Me and Barney don't want to change diapers _all day,"_

"Precisely!" Barney interjects in the middle of his song.

"And because we have you. You three and Penny and the baby Aunt Tracy's having- and Barney's brother's kids- you're enough for us,"

"Is it because you don't like Uncle Barney singing?" Marvin asks. He makes some _vroom _noises for Daisy's car trip.

"I don't mind Uncle Barney singing. I just don't like _Phantom_ _of the Opera,"_

"Dad sings us night-night songs. He writes them,"

"Yeah, I know," Robin agrees dryly.

"_The skellington says goodniiight," _Marvin sings to himself. Daisy randomly thumps the couch with the car a couple of times.

"_I thought my heart was safe, I thought I knew the score," _Barney continues, as Anna wriggles, "_But this is wine that's all too strange and strong, I'm full of fooli- _aww, stop it. Come on, Anna, don't throw a tantrum. You want a cuddle?"

Even four years into their marriage he's not a particular proponent of cuddling, but babies just melt him. Barney undoes a couple of buttons on his red dress shirt and puts Anna inside against his chest, cradling her firmly against him with both arms.

"That's better, isn't it?"

Gently, he ruffles her tufty hair with his chin.

"I_ really_ hope she pukes on you," Robin deadpans.

Barney gives her a rather hurt look before whirling back out of the den, "_I'm full of foolish song, and out my song must pour..."_

"Mom 'nd Dad let me carry Anna," Marvin notes proudly.

"Floor," Daisy reminds him.

"Once I dropped her on the floor," Marvin admits from his sisters prompt, then adds in a whisper, "But Mom doesn't know,"

"Right," Robin winks at him conspiratorially. She's surprised that he can wink back, but then again his uncle is Barney Stinson, so Marvin can probably already wink and tongue-click and all sort of other Stinson voodoo.

"She didn't die," Marvin adds, jumping off the couch onto the floor, and lying on his stomach to look for something under the couch.

"Well that's a relief,"

"Yeah. She cried but she didn't die. Cried, died," he rhymes happily, waggling his legs in the air.

"Died," Daisy echoes, then throws the car at her brother. Fortunately Marvin's too busy scrabbling to notice, and his sandy head re-appears a moment later clutching a peg-doll and a plastic robot owl. He climbs back on the couch (pulling himself up with his arms and then rolling on like he's scaling a rock) and fiddles with the doll, while Daisy switches the owl on so it squawks and lights up.

Onscreen, Thomas O'Malley cat is in full flow of his song, and sliding down the tree branch (he reminds Robin of Barney slightly, although that's a weird thought to dwell on). The kids aren't paying attention anymore; Marvin's talking to his doll and Daisy's poking all the buttons on the owl so it squawks through half a phrase, then cuts off and squawks another.

The symphony of mild chaos is completed Barney desperately singing over Anna's continued blubbering.

_"__So please forgive this helpless haze I'm in, I've really never been...in looove, beee...fooore," _

When he finishes there's a miraculous half-second of silence...then the ruckus starts again.

**Thank you for reading, please review.**

**The lyrics are ****_On The Street Where You Live _****from ****_My Fair Lady, All I Ask of You _****from ****_Phantom of the Opera _****and ****_I've Never Been In Love Before _****from ****_Guys and Dolls. _****Obviously, I don't own them, HIMYM, ****_The Aristocats_**** etc.**


	16. The Spy

The Spy

_August 2027_

She's never really seen two people make-out. Mom and Dad are embarrassingly kissy with each other, though not full-on tongue kissing. A few times, Penny's seen strangers on the street kiss, but it's both rude and awkward to stare. There's making out in movies and TV, and of course Penny's own brief kiss with Jayden on the last day of the Summer term- although that was a disappointingly underwhelming four seconds of very light lip-contact, before Jayden panicked and ran away to the bus stop. She didn't feel much different afterwards; there wasn't a string quartet and fireworks like in movies. So Penny watches with interest as Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney lean on the wooden rail at the end of the patio, full-on making-out.

There's a party home to celebrate Mommy's second book getting published. It's a Big Deal, but Mom and Dad decided that they only wanted a small party at home with a few friends, and Mom's editor and illustrator and people from the publishing company. The clock on Penny's wall says that it's seventeen minutes past midnight- an hour and fourteen minutes since Penny went to bed, and she still can't sleep. She was boredly leaning on the window sill, looking out at the garden, when Aunt Robin came outside, pulling Uncle Barney with her. They stopped and said something to each other- Penny waved but they didn't notice- then suddenly they were kissing. That was at about thirteen minutes past midnight- so Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney are currently beating Penny and Jayden's kissing record by three minutes fifty-six seconds. Uncle Barney's got his back to Penny's window, and Aunt Robin's jammed between his body and the rail. One of her arms his around his back, and the fingers on her other hand are caressing (Dad hates that word) the side of his face. There's a full moon, and the light from it glares off his silvery-blond hair when he moves his head.

Penny wonders what they must be thinking about. They've been making out for four and a half minutes- do you stop concentrating after that long? Do you start daydreaming or thinking about other stuff? When do you get bored? Anyway, Penny reckons, it must be a bit disgusting having somebody else's tongue in your mouth. Lips-on-lips seems alright, but tongue-in-mouth? Ew. Do you have to breathe through your nose?...or is that like you're sniffing the other person's face? That's totally weird. What if you accidentally bite their tongue? What if they've been eating tuna and their tongue tastes all tuna-ey? Yuk.

Aunt Robin's fingers move to the back of Uncle Barney's head, curling into his hair. Then her arm on his back comes up to meet the other, so she's clasping her hands around his back. Penny wonders if she must feel kind of squashed between Uncle Barney's body and the rail. Although maybe it's cosy, like cuddling. Cuddling and making out like Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney are doing right now are, like, sex things. Mom and Dad having sex is obviously the most disgusting idea in the world, but with Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney it seems less gross. She knows that Uncle Barney, like, really likes doing sex. Before he married Aunt Robin he used to have loads of girlfriends. Sometimes he makes a joke or starts to say something and Daddy kicks him to shut him up. Although perhaps sometimes what he was going to saw wasn't going to be dirty- perhaps Dad kicks him to shut him up because Uncle Barney's rude to people and he lies and he doesn't know when to stop talking. Luke still worships the ground Uncle Barney walks on, but Penny's started to realise lately that he's...problematic. Mostly, his zaniness and the trouble he gets into is fun- but sometimes it's kind of dangerous. And he can make people like him- Penny doesn't know how, but he does it with her and Luke, and he must have been doing it with Daddy for years and years. Even when he annoys them and lies to them and lets them down, he can still make people like him. He does crazy stuff, and he's too good at persuading people to do crazy stuff as well. That sort of power's a bit scary.

Uncle Barney's power may be a bit scary, but kissing, Penny decides, is boring. They're basically just standing there. So she switches her torch on and opens her book (_Good Wives. _Penny keeps telling Mom that it isn't as good as the original, and _why hasn't Jo married Laurie?!)._ But it's too late to concentrate properly and the words are going past Penny's eyes without her registering them. So after a few minutes she snaps the book shut and goes back to looking out into the garden.

Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney aren't kissing anymore (Penny isn't surprised; it's twelve thirty-one now. Kissing for eighteen minutes straight would be super-boring); they're standing slightly further away from the rail and talking. They keep glancing back at the house. Penny waves again but again they don't notice. Uncle Barney checks his watch. Aunt Robin grins at him. He says something back. She takes his hand. He leaps off the patio and pulls her after him. She laughs animatedly, and they disappear together into the darkne-

"Aren't you asleep yet?"

It's Mommy, leaning in the doorway.

"I can't,"

"Are you really trying?"

"Kind of," Penny shrugs.

"What're you watching outside?" asks Mom, sitting down beside Penny on the bed.

"Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney were on the patio,"

"Mmm?"

"They were kissing," Penny blurts, "But it was boring,"

Mommy laughs. "Why was it boring?"

"It's standing with your face on somebody's. It's not like you're talking or having fun. Having someone's tongue in your mouth- like, how's that romance-y?"

"So you're not going to be making out with Jayden any time soon? Good," Mommy teases, stroking her hair.

"_Mom,"_

Mom just laughs harder.

"It's...me and Jay, we're...I don't know, we'll figure it out. But no way am I putting my tongue in his mouth. Or his tongue in my mouth. He likes tuna, ew,"

"Well, good to know that you're decided. If you ev-"

"Please don't do the 'your-body-your-rules' speech again. I get it, okay?"

All these 'talks' with Mom get so_ embarrassing. _They have a deal that Aunt Robin will take over the 'boys-and-dating' advice when Penny's fifteen. Penny's looking forward to this so she won't have to hear anymore of Mom's preaching, and because Aunt Robin's _cool,_ and must know loads more about dating than Mom. But Penny's also a bit wary of it, because Aunt Robin's maybe a bit _too _cool and sophisticated. Though maybe Future Penny will be ready for that.

"I'm your Mom. Moms have to have talk to their daughters about said daughters' friend-boyfriend-neither-both-maybes, and making out with them even if they eat tuna, at early hours in the morning. It's the rules,"

"That is _not _a rule,"

"I made it a rule. But since it's a little late now for Jay to come round tonight asking for your hand in marriage, I'll let you off,"

Mommy kneels next to Penny and looks out of the window.

"So where did Barney and Robin go? They weren't inside downstairs just now,"

"Um, I-"

Penny had forgotten about them.

They were kissing. They were laughing and holding hands and cuddling. They were looking at the house and at the time, and then they'd gone off together. Penny has two conclusions- they've gone to have an adventure, or they've gone to do sex. Penny knows that Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin will get in trouble for either of those, and nobody wants to get in trouble with Dad (he's threatened to kill Uncle Barney at least five times in the past year).

"They went back inside,"

"Oh, okay," says Mom, nodding, "Maybe missed them downstairs,"

"You must have not seen them but they went back into the den," Penny adds.

"I've been talking to Mac for a while," says Mom. Mac's her publishing agent. He does a cool impression of a lion.

"Then you wouldn't have seen them,"

"Well, guess I'll go back down and say hi,"

"Is it a fun party?"

"It's fun. But you'd find it boring now; it's adults talking about adult stuff,"

"Tax?" Penny sighs.

"Tax, politics, money, stamps, vegetables," Mom laughs, kissing Penny's head as she leaves the room, "Night, Pen,"

"Yeah,"

Penny breathes a big sigh of relief once Mommy's footsteps have gone back downstairs. It was a good poker-face she put on there, Penny thinks proudly, and that subject change about the party's fun-ness threw Mom off the scent.

And now Penny's involved in the deception, she know she _has _to wait it out to see if Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin get away with whatever it is they're doing. She looks out of the window again, and the time goes much faster now she's waiting for them to come back. Penny pretends she's on a stake-out or in a spy movie, waiting for the heroes to return from battle back to mission control. Every time a bird flies past or a leaf flutters, Penny jumps excitedly, but it's only at twelve fifty-four that Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin reappear. Penny's been imagining them coming back covered in custard, or something random and ridiculous like that- but in fact they look disappointingly like they did half an hour ago. They're giggling and holding hands, and then Aunt Robin stops, puts her finger on her lips like _Shhh, _then on Uncle Barney's. The finger slithers down to the knot of his tie, which she fiddles with for a moment. They say a couple more things to each other, then head back onto the patio. As they go back into the house, Aunt Robin glances up at Penny's winnow. Glad that they've noticed her at last, Penny waves and gives a thumbs-up. Aunt Robin bites her lip awkwardly, then shrugs, smiles and salutes back. They disappear again then, though this time into the house.

It's almost one o'clock now, and now the waiting and excitement's over, Penny does feel truly tired. She hopes that nobody noticed that Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin disappeared- ideally, Mom's still chatting to Mac, and everybody else will to too busy talking about vegetables and tax to notice. Penny shrugs to herself and gets under her duvet.

The next morning, she receives a text from Uncle Barney.

_You're a better wingman than your dad ever was. Thanks for covering for us ;- )_


	17. Class

**I've realised that when read on PC/laptop, this fic has some annoying, inconsistent and downright gross formatting errors. Sorry about that- I know how irritating and confusing it can be, so I'll try and fix it. **

Class

_August 2030_

Woah.

Marvin steps out of the elevator and is greeted by a roomful of glass, chrome and mirrors. The tables and chairs are all transparent glass, the bar down one wall is shiny granite, and the giant window looking out over Manhattan gives the room an almost clinical brightness. Marvin's been in the building a few times before, but never up to the bar, and he immediately feels that his jeans and battered black Converse trainers are too scruffy for the 13th floor of WWN. Although at least he changed his shirt before he left home.

A figure at the window turns around, beams at him and comes over to say hi.

"Hey, Marvin," she hugs him, "How's it going?"

"Jesus, this is _nice," _he marvels, "This is the classiest place I've ever been,"

"Not on the Christmas party, it wasn't," Aunt Robin says out of the corner of her mouth. Marin laughs- she always makes him laugh- and follows her over to the bar, where they both take a seat on high, transparent stools. She's wearing a white blouse and navy trousers and jacket, and blacks heals. He doesn't often see her dressed for work.

"Knock yourself out," Aunt Robin says, passing him a drinks menu. Marvin gives it a glance and asks the bartender, "Can I have a pear cider, please?"

Aunt Robin scoffs and taps the menu again, "Come on, Erikson, something more exotic,"

"I don't know," he shrugs, "I drink beer, cider and vodka-Cokes,"

"Once again it falls to me to teach you to be cool," she sighs, "Can we have two Miami Vices, please?"

"Of course," says the bartender. Her fern-leaf tattoo is very noticeable against her pale skin, and she's got long blue dreadlocks and a nose-piercing.

"Welcome to the wonderful world of cocktails," Aunt Robin adds, "Everyone makes them at college. You'll have to practise,"

"I don't have all that stuff," he says, watching the bartender measure out shots in a pourer, and jam a shaker on top of the glass.

"You don't need it. You don't need shot glasses- just pour everything into a bowl and swill it around. You don't need to be an expert,"

"Who's the toyboy, Mrs Robinson?" smirks the bartender.

"Oh, this is my nephew, Marvin. He's off to college next week. Marvin, this is Fidelma. She knows more gossip about this place than anybody,"

Fidelma winks proudly and adds with a smirk, "Tsk, underage drinking,"

"The kid lived in an apartment above a bar until he was four. He's fine," says Aunt Robin.

"Which college?" Fidelma asks.

"Wesleyan,"

"Oh, cool,"

With a flourish, she plonks two glasses down on the bar counter.

"Drink up," says Aunt Robin, clinking her glass against Marvin's, "To your college career,"

She ruffles his blond hair and they both take sip. The cocktail tastes cold and fruity, with a kick of alcohol.

"You like?" Aunt Robin asks.

"Yeah! It's..." Marvin takes another gulp, "Nicer than beer,"

"Course it is. How're you feeling about next week? Started packing?"

"Sort of," he shrugs, "There's a lot to do, though. Buying pans and nail clippers, boring stuff like that,"

"That's a drag. Unpacking once you get there's a _super _drag. I lived out of boxes for about three months,"

"Guess I'm excited though. Well, I know I'm excited. Independence, new start- all that stuff,"

"Sometimes I reckon I'm _still_ waiting for Marshall and Lily to give me my independence,"

"Exactly. I mean- you know what they're like- it'll be nice to, like,_ breathe,"_

"That's what's great about college; no parents, no siblings. No one who knows you from before. You can be a whole new you,"

"Unless you were a nationally recognised pop star in nineties Canada," he adds cheekily.

She jabs a finger-gun at him, "Watch it, mister,"

"Sorry; a nationally _beloved _pop star- turned-grunge star,"

"That's more like it. Anyway, you're right- college is a clean slate. Ted became a secret radio DJ; Lily became a goth. They weren't those people at home,"

"It's annoying though how Mom and Dad went to Wesleyan too. I mean, I applied there because I liked it, not cos of Mom and Dad, and now they're all, 'Oh, keeping up the family tradition,' and 'When I was at Wesleyan...' and 'Look out for the so-and-so building,'- and their supposedly adorably how-we-met story,"

"You think that's bad? D'you hear that Ted spent about four hours this Summer telling Luke and Penny how he met Tracy?"

"What, he sat them down and-"

"Told 'em a story- yup. But apparently he started like eight years before he met Tracy or something, and basically told Luke and Pen every dumb story from our twenties. Which was fun to be interrogated about by them afterwards,"

"At least Mom and Dad's story's over fast," Marvin concedes

"You wanna hear the fastest how-we-met anecdote ever?"

"Okay,"

"Get ready- it's a heartbreaker,"

"Surprise me,"

"In a bar,"

There's a pause.

"Is that the story?" Marvin clarifies.

"Yup, that's me and Barney. In. A. Bar. None of that epic destiny crap. Although I think Ted's story was part epic destiny, part drunken escapade-anecdote,

"Mom keeps saying how, like, _I _might meet the guy of my dreams in the first week of Wesleyan freshmen like she did, blah blah blah,"

"Forget the guy of your dreams; find the guy of your-first-night-who-you-don't-remember-in-the-morning,"

"Has anybody ever told you you're a bad influence?"

Proudly, she confirms, "Your mom. Constantly,"

* * *

"Nah, the Panthers should be top of the league by the season-end,"

"It'll be the Sabres. They always start badly and by February they're miles ahead of the Panthers,"

"Not if Fredrick Dupont transfers,"

"Dupont won't transfer,"

"He's sick of the Sabres, he knows he could be captain if he transfers," she insists, then sighs contentedly and adds "This is what I dreamed of when Marshall and Lily had kids, you know. Taking you to bars, talking hockey-"

"Dad has to take some credit for getting us into hockey, Aunt Robin,"

"Please. Minnesota get shmushed every season,"

Before Marvin can retort, a tall, smiley man with a diamond ear-piercing turns appears.

"Hey Robin,"

"Oh, hi. Marvin, this is Charlie, he works in accounts but he isn't as boring as that suggests. Charlie, this is my nephew Marvin. He's off to college next week,"

"Nice to meet you," says Charlie. He's black and very smiley, very confidant.

"Hi,"

"Cocktail party?"

"Yup. It's his farewell treat," says Aunt Robin.

"Don't I get bought a drink?" asks Charlie.

"Are you kidding? You're in here every lunchtime,"

"Hoping to see you, of course,"

"Shut up,"

Marvin feels a bit awkward just sitting there while they continue to flirt with each other, so he busies himself scrolling through his phone and pretending to text, and only looks up again when Charlie says, "Well, see you later, dude. Good luck at college,"

"Yeah. Thanks,"

When Charlie's out of earshot, Marvin pockets his cell phone and asks, "Are you seriously best friends with everyone in this company?"

"Friends? Are you kidding? We're all in competition here,"

"I thought you said he worked in accounts. You don't work in accounts,"

"Well, alright, I'm not in competition with Charlie- but don't go thinking that being nice to people at work means you're friends. Things are super-competitive at WWN,"

"Even for you?"

"You flatter me, Marvin. Yes, it's even competitive for me,"

"And you...like that?"

"Of course. It's exciting. And super-bitchy too," she beams, "You see that those two by the window. Don't look now,"

After a moment of delay, Marvin glances furtively at the man and woman sitting opposite each other at the table.

"There's a promotion for head of research coming up. Karen and Vadim are both up for it,"

"So they're having a drink together because...?"

"Because they're secretly sleeping with each other,"

"Seriously?"

"Nah, I'm kidding. They're probably sizing each other up before the interview; pretending to be civil while working out each other's week spots,"

"Whose going to get the job?"

"Oh, Vadim for sure. Karen's good with computers but she couldn't tell a headline if it punched her in the face,"

* * *

"Don't bother with a lime for a Cosmo- you need vodka, cranberry juice and triple sec- or orange juice if you have to,"

"Won't that just be a Sex On The Beach?"

Aunt Robin pauses and considers. "Good point. You'll need a triple sec for a Cosmopolitan,"

She's going down the cocktail menu advising him on how to make home-made versions.

"These are a lot more expensive than cider. I _am _on a college budget," Marvin reminds her.

"But cocktails serve more if you make them in a bowl. And they're fun. _And _you can add extra vodka,"

"Daisy drinks sometimes now. It weirds me out," Marvin shudders.

"You're off to college! That weirds me out big time,"

"That's all everybody's been saying to me for months; 'Can't believe you're so grown up,' 'I can remember the first time I held you,'- all that stuff,"

"When you say 'everyone' you mean Lily, don't you?"

"Mostly,"

"Although we can all admit that I _crush _the first-time-I-held-you story,"

"Totally. That'll be a cool thing for arriving at college, right? 'Hi I'm Marvin Erikson, and when I was a baby Mike Tyson took me to a strip club!'"

"'My amazing Aunt Robin _gave_ me to Mike Tyson in a strip club'. See, there's the cool thing I've given you to say, to make up for all the times you'll have to explain that your middle name is Waitforit,"

"I'm used to that by now. Although if a form says Marvin W Erikson I tell people it's William,"

"Barney'd go berserk! He's still convinced it's the coolest middle name of all time,"

"I'm pretty sure Mom and Dad were only convinced in some manic epidural-filled frenzy," he pauses, thinks for a moment and adds, "Yeah, I'm gonna need that cool Mike Tyson story,"

* * *

"It's amazing, isn't it?" Marvin murmurs, standing beside giant window, gazing out at the Manhattan in dusk.

"It's beautiful,"

"Mom's right- the City's more beautiful than lakes and countryside and snow,"

"Why d'you think I left Canada?" Aunt Robin smirks.

"I'm gonna miss this. Not just Mom and Dad and the girls and the subway and the baseball- I think I'll miss the...vibe. Does that sound lame?"

"No. It just sounds drunk,"

"Whose fault is that?" he grins back, then adds with a sigh, "I could spend all day watching people from this window,"

"The view from the roof's even better; you can see over to Staten Island. I'd take you up there to look, but...the rooftop's kind of a me-and-Barney thing,"

"You have a 'thing'? A special romantic 'thing'? Isn't that too 'super-lame and unawesome' for you two?"

"Hey, we got engaged on that roof,"

"If Mom and Dad had a romantic rooftop 'thing', you'd never let them live it down,"

"Marshall and Lily probably have a top ten romantic rooftops going,"

"You can't say that if you have one too," he scoffs. A very long pause follows. Then Aunt Robin says, "I'm kidding. Of course I'd take you up on the roof, but it'll be locked by now,"

* * *

Marvin would love to stay and watch Manhattan from the window all night, but he's got to get home to Brooklyn, so eventually he drags himself away, and him and Aunt Robin catch the elevator down to the WWN lobby. Marvin jams the "Ground Floor," button three times with his thumb, then asks, "Why're you laughing?"

"Boys and buttons. You're all the same,"

He doesn't get what she means, but lets it go because they're almost saying goodbye.

"Get a cab back to Brooklyn," Aunt Robin suggests.

"S'fine, I've got my subway pass,"

"Honestly, get a cab, I'll pay,"

"Cheers,"

She rolls her eyes, "You Eriksons and your faux-Britishness,"

On the eight floor an efficient-looking young blond girl with red nail-varnish enters the elevator, cutting short their conversation. Thanks to his constantly-warring sisters Marvin's good at sensing tension between women, and he can feel it now between Aunt Robin and the newcomer.

"Who was that?" he whispers, when the blonde exits on the third floor.

"Charlotte Østergaard. Twenty-eight, WWN's latest bright young thing. Probably aiming to have my job in five years' time,"

"You're kidding,"

"Nope. She might well get it, too,"

"Wow,"

Aunt Robin shrugs, "She's a good journalist, good businesswoman. But I'd be lying if I said she was my friend,"

Marvin must look alarmed because she adds, "Enjoy college while you can, pal- work's tough,"

"It's cut-throat in this office," he observes.

"You bet. But GNB was full of literal cut-throats,"

She follows him out of the elevator and out into the street. Marvin cranes his neck to look for a taxi. It's a busy area, full of offices, so it only takes a minute before a cab appears.

"I'll see you in a few weeks. Call if you need me, right?" says Aunt Robin, a bit awkwardly.

"Sure,"

"Or if you don't need me. Or text, or Skype, or send letters or whatever,"

"Carrier pigeon,"

"Exactly. No pressure though; don't think you have to keep in touch if you're too busy. Having fun is your priority, 'kay?"

"Got it,"

"Now c'mere, Erikson,"

She hugs him hard, wrapping both arms tightly around his back. One of the few things Marvin dislikes about being so tall is how uncomfortable it makes hugging. He feels like all arms and shoulders getting in the way (though when he hugs Mom, it's fun to annoy her by picking her up and refusing to put her down).

When Aunt Robin lets him go, she shoves a couple of twenties at him- "There's your cab fare,"- and a white envelope; "And there's a cheque from me for college,"

"Aw. Thank you. You know you didn't have to,"

"Don't give me that bullshit. You're going to college, Marvin- I think you'll find I very much _did_ have to,"

"Thanks. Seriously,"

"Don't mention it. Go spend it on booze," she says, pecking his cheek and bundling him into the cab, "Have fun. Sleep late. Drink too much. Eat too little. Get in trouble. Always have a cab number. Wear a condom Bring a spare pen to classes. Talk to people. Make friends. Take risks. Be awesome,"

He's still waving after the taxi's turned the corner.

**Thank you for reading. This was very enjoyable to write so I hope you liked it. If you did, or didn't, or anything in between, please review. Have a great week. **


	18. Warped Perspective

**Disclaimer: For the record, single mums rule.**

_"Happy Not-A-Father's-Day!"_

-4.07

_"I want to be a dad,"_

-7.12

Warped Perspective

Perhaps you were ever so slightly rooting for him. Perhaps the nail on your left foot's baby toe was hoping that Ted Mosby would one day find his soulmate and settle down. Marshall and Lily looked so happy, and once in a while you thought that Ted suit would that kind of happiness too (he certainly didn't make an effort to suit suits). God knows he went on about it enough- he rambled for _years _about finding a soulmate, he stood you up when you were planning adventures, he took girls out to _dinner- _yuk. Yeah, you were only rooting for him a tiny bit.

So now- thanks to _you_ making him Suit Up for your wedding- he's got this girl of his dreams. She's awesome and they're married and they've got these two little walking talking awesome-ites, who you love to death. You get to hang out with the awesome-ites at Ted and Tracy's place (formerly known as Ted's Desperate Panic-Buy), and often you get to take them out for a day or a weekend. You hype Luke and Penny up on candy, take them out on adventures- you know that Ted worries you'll get his children into some sort of ridiculous trouble, but you trust that you're smart and handsome enough to wrangle your way out. You always are, aren't you?

(Okay, don't answer that).

You chase them around Central Park, Yankee Stadium, Coney Island, Broadway, Bronx Zoo- and you bring them back to Westchester exhausted and grubby and happy. Sometimes they insist that they're so tired they need you carry them home from the station. Needy women make you run a mile, but the Mosby children needing you to take care of them makes you feel good (though Ted says that doing it every day gets exhausting) and its cute to watch their sleepy faces nodding off against your shoulder while you carry them. But no matter how tired they are when you're piggybacking them through Westchester, as soon as you arrive back at the house, they're suddenly wide awake. Luke and Penny hurl themselves at Ted and shout at him about where you all went and what you all did and the presents you spoilt them with. Ted rolls his eyes at you, asks them questions, makes them change out of their Sunny D-stained clothes into their pyjamas, and he gives them their dinner. Because that's what dads do. Because Ted's their dad. And you're not.

You estimate that in total you spent an entire week of your engagement insisting to Robin that you don't mind about the kids thing. You don't want kids. That's the truth, truly. But truly, the truth also is that occasionally you leave Ted's place feeling a wobbly sort of sadness. There's a spot low in your ribcage which, strangely, feels both hollow and heavy. You know that Robin she wouldn't understand; she'd go all guilty and start thinking that you resent her- and you don't resent her. That's why you never tell her how you feel. It's not about Robin or her having or not having kids. It's about _you. _You don't want children. What you want is to be a dad.

Yeah yeah, you're the inventor of Not A Father's Day. You know that, and you stand by that- you _don't_ want to be a _father._ You're proud to be Not A Father. Being a father is the awful sinking feeling which follows those horrible words, "I'm pregnant". Being a father is the phone call from that chick years ago who told you she thought she has carrying your child. Being a father is thinking, "WhathaveIdone, whathaveIdone, whathaveIdone," over and over. Being a father is going to church for the first time since you were a very small boy, sitting awkwardly in a pew and praying the only way you could; _"Dear God, it's me, Barney. Whaddup. I know we don't talk much, but a lot of girls call out your name because of me. Awesome"_. Your own father, Jerry, must have had that sinking feeling when your Mom told him she was...you know, knocked up. With you. That makes sense because Jerry's your father. He's not your dad.

And because it Suits you to (heh), you also decide that fatherhood also includes the stuff which is actually probably, 'Being A Dad', but the bits you want to ignore. Poop, diapers, baby-sick, strollers, MacDonald's Happy Meals, the Disney Store, sippy cups, sexlessness- you lump them in with 'Being A Father', along with all the tuff Ted moans about and says how lucky you are to not have to deal with. Fathers have to be patient. Responsible. Reliable. Sober. Screw being a father. You wanna be a dad. Why? Glad you asked!

One: Since you were four, five, six years old, you've been enamoured by masculinity. Perhaps it was because you had a big brother, or maybe it was due to the string of dudes who'd come round to fix the boiler, paint the fence, help your Mom move her bed. James shared a similar obsession, although while his fascination manifested itself in having the hots for those dudes, yours manifested itself in wanting to _be _them. So you did. You worked hard at it and you still do; you're built fairly lean so you have to lift weights daily and run treadmill to keep your muscles in shape. You don't grow much stubble but you shave every morning anyway, buy the best razors, get a straight-razor shave at the barber's every month. Occasionally you mocked Ted for liking chick flicks, for being scrawnier than you, for having had fewer women than you. It was kidding around- but it meant something to you. Humiliating Ted for not being as much of a man as you, made you feel better about yourself. But now he's got kids that changes things. What's more macho than being a dad? How are you supposed to taunt Ted about being skinny when you see him hurling his son through the air? You watch him tenderly stick a band-aid on Penny's knee. You watch him help Luke stir sugar into the cake mix. Watching a grown man play fairies with a little girl makes you feel emasculated. Watching Ted, you're still 'Baby Hands' from magic club, you're still too weedy to get into Middle School football team. You're still going to sleep with over 200 women because that's twice what Matthew Panning said he'd had, you're still sixteen and waiting for your voice to break. Being a dad would confirm that you're the real man you've spent so long being (so long proving you are) (...so long trying to be).

Two: Kids worship their dads, and you long to be worshipped. You want a kid- preferably a boy, but you could work with a girl if you had to- to think, 'My dad wears suits and plays laser tag and is the most handsomest dude in NYC and my dad is Barney Stinson and he's awesome and I want to be like him when I grow up,'. You want him to dress the same as you (come on, matching suits) and teach him how to tie his tie. You want to gel your hair in the bathroom mirror with your little blond son standing beside you doing the same. You want him to support the Yankees just because you do. You want to hear him delightedly scream your name when you fetch him at the school gates. But in the real world, worship doesn't happen like it does in those dreams of yours. And it's Ted they worship, not you. You see it when you're reading Luke a story in bed and he notes, "That's now how daddy does the Big Bad Wolf's voice". You see it when you're playing baseball with Penny and she squawks, "You bowl too _fast. _Daddy bowls _slower". _One Saturday you're on the subway (eugh), sitting beside Ted with Luke on your knee. Ted casually folds his arms and shuts his eyes, and Luke copies him. You see it when you're lifting the Mosby two up to look at the ice-cream counter and Penny mumbles, "Daddy doesn't like strawberry". One evening you're round Ted's place drinking beer and bickering cheerfully about if Storm Troopers are better than Droids. Luke's playing Lego on the floor on front of you, and Ted nudges him with his shoe and asks, "What d'you reckon, buddy? Storm Troopers or Droids?"

Luke furrows his face up while he considers, then folds his arms and frowns, "Not sure. What's your favourite?"

"Uncle Barney says Storm Troopers, I say Droids,"

"Um...Droids," Luke says, and goes back to playing.

"Told you!" chirps Ted.

It's a silly argument, one you've had ten times before. But the fact that Luke agrees blindly with Ted, because to him Ted knows everything, Ted's always right...

You stand up abruptly and mumble something about needing the bathroom. You need to get out of there before you punch them both.

Three: Children love their parents unconditionally. You're not melodramatic enough to doubt that anybody loves you- you know that plenty of people do (and they'd better! You're The One And Only Barney Stinson!). But _unconditionally…_Mom wanted you to be happy with a family, so for years you hired a fake one to satisfy her. You had a meltdown when Ted told you he was moving away. There's some mornings when after a fight with Robin, you're genuinely surprised to see that she's still here. Perhaps you thought having a perfect family was a condition to_ ensure_ that Mom loved you. You panicked that marrying Robin was one condition which in your bro-hood that Ted couldn't take. You're both concerned and intrigued to know if Robin will put up with you forever. But with your kid, there'd be no conditions. There'd be nothing to ensure or be curious about because your child just _would _love you, its dad, unconditionally.

Four: You want to be the dad you never had. You know what it's like to watch your mom try to be both parents. You want to be part of a Mom-and-Dad set, because your Mom had to be both. Obviously you don't want Robin to be a Mom- you're not having her become an exhausted, fat, drained, nagging mother whose always too tired for sex (the thought makes you both shudder). But theoretically you want to be the match for _a _mom, like Ted is with Tracy. To you, they're 'Ted and Tracy', but to Luke and Penny they're 'Mom-and-Dad'. You want to be the good cop to a mom's bad cop. You want to teach your child to sing while his mom teaches him guitar. You want to drop him off at school and his mom'll pick him up. You don't want to be half of a whole but you want that completion and balance, because too many times you saw your Mom have to do both, be both. When you'd stick your burn yourself sticking your finger in a candle, Mom would snap at you that you deserved it for playing with fire, _and _she'd run your finger under the told tap and kiss it better. She'd carry the Christmas tree home by herself. She'd pick you up from school and then she'd drop you off at Magic Club and James at soccer, and then she'd cook dinner and then she'd move the TV's areal so you could watch _He-Man _and _Inspector Gadget, _and then she'd shoot basketball hoops with you and then she'd help you with your homework and then she'd race your toy cars and then she'd put you both to bed (well, most of the time. There were those times when Mom went to Manhattan for a weekend to do trainspotting at Grand Central with Mr Carrick from down the street. Those weekends it'd be you and James and a fifty-dollar note, but that was fun. And Mom deserved a weekend off to go trainspotting, because being she had to be both parents). Moreover, you know what it's like _not to have _a dad so you want to make sure that you're there for your _kid _when he grazes his knees or needs to practise bowling. When you got stuck in a tree, your Mom could only shout up instructions, so you want to make sure that your son has a daddy to climb up and rescue him. James said he'd thump you if you complained to Mom that she'd bought the wrong video game for your birthday- James hardly ever threatened to hurt you so you knew it was serious, so you beamed at Mom and said thanks, it was exactly the game you wanted ("It's not her fault," James explained, "She doesn't know about video games,"). If your kid ever gets his heart broken, you'll help him deal with it properly (how? Glad you asked; buy a few bottles of whisky and a packet of condoms, throw a brick through her window, send Marshall round to scare her dad, go out and get hammered then wake up in a strange, hot, soon-to-be-escaped-from girl's bed), because your Mom had never had her heart broken by a chick- she tried to help you through it but in the end you found out booze-sex-brick-through-window strategy out by yourself. It works but you had to make it up yourself. To be honest, it took you weeks to learn how to tie your tie, so you want to make sure that your son learns properly so he doesn't (literally) screw it up like you did, and-

Bam. Realisation thuds.

Oh. Right. There's a reason why the child in your fantasies is a boy and blond. Realisation thuds...you're still_ looking_ for the man to teach you to tie your tie. You're not fantasising about an unobtainable future- you're wishing to change the past. One: You're not trying to be a man- you're still a boy. Two: You don't want to be worshipped- you're looking for somebody to worship. Three: You don't want to be loved like a kid loves their dad- you're a kid who wants to have a dad to love. Four: You don't want to _be _the dad you never had- you just _want _the dad you didn't you have. You don't want to be a dad. _You want a dad._

The stuff you imagined doing with your boy- gelling your hair together, teaching him to sing, being the "Daddy!" he shouts for when he grazes his knees, being loved by him unconditionally- is the stuff _you _want to do with _your _dad, the stuff you wanted to feel but couldn't, can't. The dream-son you imagined doing all that with is_ you_ as a child. The Droids thing made you so angry because you were jealous of Luke. You don't resent Ted because he's a dad- you resent his kids because they've got one.

Sometimes watching Ted be a dad makes you feel emasculated. You're big and strong and muscly now and you shave and you drink too much and watch porn and sing tenor- so you tell yourself that that emasculated feeling is frustrating and humiliating. You tell yourself that you're jealous of Ted. But perhaps you're kidding yourself - perhaps you _like _peeling off your layers of projected machismo to feel like a kid again. Because then you can illusion yourself into feeling that Ted's your dad. Like when you feel as if you're in a movie even though you're only watching it; seeing Ted be a dad makes you feel like what it'd be like to have one. A dad figure to observe...maybe a dad figure to worship, like you've always been looking for? Ted's the _figure _though; of course you don't _think _he's your dad and dear God you don't worship him. But the _feeling _is the important part.

Characteristically then, the reason you were rooting for Ted was entirely selfish. You weren't desperate for your best bro to be happy, and it definitely wasn't because you wanted him to meet that Future Mrs Ted Mosby he was always blathering about.

No.

The nail on your left foot's baby toe was rooting for Ted, because you want a dad.

**This draws some inspiration from Ch36 of ****_Reasons Why _****ladyeagle117. You should definitely check out her whole fic, it's one of the best I've read.**

**This chapter was tough to write so I'd really appreciate reviews. Happy Christmas xx**


	19. Red

_I suppose what you learn as a child then is, 'Oh no! The person I'm absolutely one hundred per cent solely dependent upon [...] is not a permanent fixture,'_

-Russell Brand on his mother's cancer

**Set during Ted and Tracy's weekend away in Farhampton in 9.19 ****_Vesuvius_****. Obviously this story's set in the same headcannon as my B/R story ****_After, _****but if you're not reading that, here's a head's up that B/R have a black greyhound called Tim, and the Mosbys have a brown Jack Russell terrier named Bosky. They're both quite old by this time.**

**Inspired by a scene in the BBC's 2010 adaptation of ****_Toast_**** by Nigel Slater- a realistic, sad and hopeful film with terrific performances. I can't recommend it enough. **

**Warning: This one's got kid-angst in it (very interesting to write). Next chapter will be fluff. **

Red

_2024_

Penny doesn't know how she got this angry. One moment she's sitting on the floor playing Rumi with Uncle Barney, the next they're both standing up and she's screaming at him and hitting him.

"I- _hate_-you,"

"Shh, honey. Calm down. Look at me, look at me, deep breaths," he says, in a soothing voice she's never heard him use.

"Shut! Up!" she chokes, giving him a shove, and it frustrates her that it barely moves him.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Come on Penny; deep breaths, deep breaths,"

He reaches out to wipe a tear off her cheek but she punches his hand away.

_"Getofme!"_

"Okay, I'm sorry, okay. Just relax. It's alright, it's all gonna be alright,"

"It's not gonna be alright! I hate you! I hate everything! I want to go _home!"_

"Your Mom and Dad aren't there," Barney points out unhelpfully. Penny launches herself at him, clawing his face to leave three white lines from his eye to his top lip. Barney only just stops himself from swearing.

"Cos Mom's gonna die! They've gone away cos Mom's gonna die and she's gonna leave us all on our _own!" _Penny bawls, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"She's not gonna die. Sweetheart, don't-"

"Penny, please stop punching my husband," says Aunt Robin abruptly, appearing from the bedroom with Luke peering nervously out from behind her.

_"No!"_

"Stop it,"

Penny's so frenzied that she isn't even sure what she says next; it's either "I won't" or "I can't", though she's aware of adding, "It's not _fair!"_

"Penny, stop it," says Robin again firmly.

"It's not fair! I hate you! Mommy's gonna die and I don't want her to die!"

To Barney's relief, Penny hurls herself at Robin and collapses into her, sobbing. Seeing his escape, Barney chirps, "C'mon Lukebox, let's take the dogs out!"

He whistles for Tim and dashes over to the umbrella stand by the door to retrieve the leashes, while Luke, who seems equally relieved about to be getting out of here, shouts, "Bosky! Bosky!" to summon the Mosby's dog. Barney clips on both leashes in a split-second, grabs Luke's coat, shoves Bosky's leash into Luke's hand, and hastily yanks the boy and the dogs out of the apartment. The door bangs shut behind them.

"I hate you, I hate you!" Penny screams, struggling against Robin's grip like an animal caught in a trap, "And I hate Luke and I hate Mommy and I hate the stupid cancer!"

"I hate it too, Penny. We all hate it,"

"But you're not gonna die of it! Your Mom's not gonna die of it. Mine is!"

"Where's all this dying stuff come from, eh? You don't know that,"

"She's got cancer, stupid," Penny sniffs, still wriggling while Robin tries to hold her still with one arm on her head and one around her back.

"Who told you she was going to die?"

"Nobody! But everybody knows it! They're just not telling us! And she's gonna die and I'm gonna be all alone and I hate you, I _hate you. _I hate-"

But then Penny's sobs overtake anything she was trying to say and her head lolls onto Aunt Robin's shoulder and everything is tears.

Robin doesn't like a lot of things about children, and crying is one of the worst. Adults cry quietly. Children do not. Children bawl. Penny is crumpled and shaking, and making that, _"Uhh_-heh. Eh-heh, eh-heh," noise which kids make when they cry. Her body's limp and her arms are stuck out like a discarded doll.

"Shh shh shh shh shh. It's alright. I've got you. Shh,". Robin can't think of anything else to say. Penny splutters a couple of half-sentences but they dissolve into high-pitched sobs, her voice cracking on the _eh-heh, eh-heh_s. Robin rubs Penny's back and strokes her straight brown hair and mumbles some vague words of comfort, while Penny continues to squeal and snuffle.

Penny hates all the crying. Sometimes, being in a bad mood is satisfying because it gives you power, and it's fun to stomp around and sulk. But nowadays she's sad-angry and confused-angry. She gets angry for no reason- not moody, but properly shouting, red angry- about anything. Often anything Luke _does_ makes her lose her temper, so she whacks him which makes Mommy and Daddy lose _their _tempers. Daddy's cross a lot nowadays, but other times he goes really quiet. When they're walking home from school or watching TV he'll fade out of the conversation. Once or twice they've all been eating dinner and Daddy's just stood up and left the room. Daddy being angry makes Penny angry, and Daddy being quiet makes Penny angry. Luke cries a lot because of Mommy being sick, and that makes Penny angry, so she hits him and then he cries more. Mommy being tired makes Penny angry. Seeing her friends at school having happy Mommies who don't have cancer makes Penny angry. Mommy tries to make Penny and Luke write or draw how they feel but Penny thinks that's stupid- and _that _makes her angry because she used to like writing and drawing. Anything can make her angry nowadays. She isn't sure why she suddenly got so mad at Uncle Barney, but she knows that she really hated him then. Penny hates hating everything.

Robin notices that Penny's shaking now, as appose to sobbing. Robin reckons that this part of is always the worst thing about crying; when the tears have stopped and they're left with coughing and mucus and wet faces and damp shoulders and embarrassment. She peals Penny's body away from hers by the shoulders.

"You done?". Robin tries not to sound exasperated.

Penny wriggles awkwardly and mutters, "Dunno,"

"You're not crying anymore,"

"No," Penny agrees, which inevitably brings on more sobs and she crumples again. Robin tries to hold her up.

"Hey, stop. Stop. I'll get you a drink," she takes her hand, "Bourbon? Sherry? Absinthe?"

"Is absinthe the stuff Uncle Barney uses for making fire?"

"Yeah. Well, most of it he uses for making fire, some of it he drinks. It gets you drunk really fast, and some people think it makes you imagine things,"

"What do you think?"

"I think your Uncle Barney can imagine enough crazy things without drinking absinthe,"

Robin pours a glass of orange juice and hands it to Penny.

"You wanna watch a movie?"

Penny shrugs dejectedly. Robin resists the temptation to roll her eyes,

"Of course you do. _Toy Story 4 _or something_, _come on,"

"Aunt Robin?" says Penny quietly

"Yeah,"

"Can we watch your Robin Sparkles videos?"

She sighs. "Really? Really?"

"I want to,"

The kid's having a hard time dealing with her Mom having cancer, but Robin can't deny that she's good at using it to her advantage. There's no way to argue.

"Fine. Just this once. And don't tell Barney and Luke when they get back, deal?"

"Deal,"

They watch all the videos a couple of times over, and then put a movie on. By the time Luke, Barney and the dogs return, Penny and Robin are calmly cuddled on the couch, halfway through _Spirited Away _(Ted and Robin share a confusion over why children are so into Manga nowadays. Or is it Anime?). Luke lets Bosky off her leash and she jumps up onto the couch. Barney follows, squeezes Penny's shoulder, and sits down in silence. A few months ago, Luke would have launched himself onto them and tickled Penny and wedged himself in between Penny and Uncle Barney, with Bosky sitting on his lap while he fondled her ears. But things are different now, and though Penny looks calm and tired, Luke knows better than anyone how unpredictable his sister's temper is. So instead he plops himself down on the other side of Aunt Robin, and hopes that Penny doesn't flare up again.

**Thanks for reading. Please review. All the best for 2015 xx**


	20. Bailiwick Tipper

Bailiwick Tipper

_April 2017_

The phone buzzes.

"It's Marshall. Oh my God it's Marshall. Barney, get in here!"

He stops rooting around the Erikson's kitchen for beer and comes tumbling out into the living room, then vaults over the back of the couch to sit beside her.

"Pick up, pick up. Put it on speaker,"

She hooks an arm around his neck and presses the _Answer _button.

"Marshall? What's happened? Has she had it?" Barney demands.

"Yeah, she's had it, Robin. It's a girl,"

"Aww," Barney coos.

"Is everything okay?" Robin adds.

"Everything's great! She was seven pounds four! The first Erikson baby to be born in four generations weighing below the national average at birth,"

"Bet Lily was pleased about that," Robin notes.

"Said it was her easiest birth yet! She still did a lot of screaming though; nearly ripped my hand off! It's all fine though! Three? Can you believe it! Three!" Marshall cries.

"Speaking of your other offspring, they're both asleep,"

"I'm gonna go tell 'em," Barney announces.

"Wait until the morning," says Marshall, "You can come visit,"

"Great. Send our love to Lily and the baby,"

"Yeah. Yeah, will do! I've got to go, I'll see you later!"

He hangs up.

"Well, he was cheerful," Robin deadpans.

"Four! Four of them! Four god children! And a half! This is awesome!"

He taps his feet on the floor excitedly, and realises, "Three girls in a row! Wow. I mean, that's cool but Ted's next one better be a dude. Marvin needs a wingman,"

"Remember when Lily was pregnant the first time, and Marshall as so scared he was gonna have a girl? Now he's got two,"

"Oh my God, Halloween costumes! They need ideas for two girls and a boy...maybe _That's So Raven?_"

"The first thing you think about upon hearing that your best friends have had a baby is Halloween costumes?"

"No. No," he corrects, using his mock-thoughtful voice, "The first thing I think about upon hearing my best friends have had a baby is that that's the result of a cause we should _really _start to examine right now," he trills, leaning over to kiss her, "You know how Lily had something big come out of her vagina today? I'm gonna give you something big _in _yours. And then out. And then back in again. And then-"

She unsuckers her mouth from his, looks him in the eye and says slowly, "We're gonna carry on and pretend you never said that. Mmkay?"

"Why? That was a smooth line!"

"Yeah, no. Strangely, I don't want to be thinking about Lily giving birth while I'm having sex with you,"

"So you _are _up for sex? I thought you were gonna say No cos we're babysitting, and then this would only be a bogus make-out session. _Ooh_, you wanna do it in Lily and Marshall's _bed?"_

They're going to have to sleep in there anyway. Lily went into labour very quickly that afternoon when Marvin and Daisy were at pre-school and kindergarten. Marshall made some quick phone calls so that Mr and Mrs Ryall, parents of Marvin's friend Jack, could pick Daisy and Marvin up. They'd had dinner at the Ryall's house while Lily went to hospital, and Marshall dashed from work to be with her and called Robin and Barney to pick the kids up and bring them back home to stay with them overnight. It was much calmer than Marvin's birth, but so fast that nobody stopped to think where Barney and Robin would have to sleep. So it'll have to be Marshall and Lily's bed- and while they're there they might as well get some extra use out of it, right?

"Ac-"

"I'm not saying if I've ever had sex with anyone in Marshall and Lily's bed before we were married," Barney says, then stage-whispers, "I totally have. More than once. One time when they were in the next room,"

"It astonishes me how someone like you can be so good at killing a mood," Robin notes, running her hands across his shoulders and fiddling with his shirt buttons.

"But I can resurrect that mood like shit. The Mood is Jesus and I'm Easter Sunday,"

She laughs and kisses him. "I love you,"

* * *

There's somebody jumping on his legs.

"Hmmph?"

"Wake! Up!" Daisy trills, whacking Barney's shoulder.

He sits up and she climbs up his legs onto his lap.

"Wake up, wake up!

"I _am_ awake. Even though it's-" he glances at the clock on Marshall and Lily's bedroom wall, "Ten past six,"

"Want to play! Aunt Robin, wake up! Play!"

Daisy crashes into Robin, who rolls over with a groan.

"Play! Soccer!"

"Is Marvin awake?" Barney asks.

"Don't know!"

"Come on, then. Let's go see if your brother wants to join in,"

"We'll tell them later," Robin tells him out of the corner of her mouth.

Barney nods and lets Daisy drag him out into the corridor and into Marvin's bedroom.

He's asleep on his front, arms folded underneath his head. Daisy leaps onto the bed and pushes his shoulder.

"Marvin! Wake up!"

Barney follows, sits on the bed beside him and gently strokes Marvin's spine through his Spiderman pyjama top. In a peculiar way, he likes the kids' bones. There's something about their little brittle shoulder blades and ribcages and skulls which is so innocent and- dare he say it- beautiful. Barney gets why Robin finds their fragility scary, but he definitely doesn't feel the same way.

"Morning, buddy," he says softly.

"Play! Soc!" Daisy demands, grabbing a foam soccer ball from Marvin's bedroom floor and throwing it at him. Marvin bats it back to her and jumps to his feet on his bed. Daisy kicks the ball, and Marvin passes it back. Lily has all of the average development stages for kids in a file somewhere, and has proudly told Robin multiple times that Daisy's co-ordination and balance are considerably above average for a girl of her age. So despite being almost two years younger and smaller than Marvin, Daisy's an even match for him at soccer.

Barney joins in for a bit, then leaves the kids to it and goes off to join Robin in the shower then Suit Up. Because the latter takes _so _long (he bought four suits with him for a two-day stay, so he could choose), Robin goes back to Marvin's room, where he and Daisy are now jumping on the bed trying to touch the dream-catcher hanging from Marvin's ceiling.

"You two wanna go get breakfast?"

"Yeah!" Marvin cheers, leaping off his bed and landing with a crash on the floor. Daisy follows, and Marvin catches her but stumbles backwards into the bedside table. Daisy wriggles out of his grip, slides under the table and grabs Marvin's legs to trip him up. Marvin tumbles to the floor and Daisy reaches for him, growling like a lion, but her brother's already raced past Robin and is halfway down the corridor. Daisy rushes after him and Robin follows, meeting Barney in the corridor. He still hasn't put a shirt on.

"I'm doing breakfast,"

"Aw, no fair. That means I have to get them dressed," he whines.

"Yyyup,"

"I don't wanna get them dressed. Here, I'll give you ten dollars,"

He takes his wallet out of his trouser pocket.

"No,"

"I'll give you twenty thousand dollars. No, one hundred dollars- what's a lot of money for someone like you?"

"One: No. Two: Last I looked, my salary was higher than yours,"

"Please," he scoffs, then adds sincerely, _"Pleeease,"_

"You _really _don't wanna get them dressed do you?"

"Breakfast is cute. Getting them dressed takes so _long_ and they get distracted and Marvin never wants to wear any of the suits I've bought him. I'll go with you to a hockey match. I'll wear that Mountie costume in the bedroom like you always want me to,"

"Wear it on Halloween,"

"Eugh, no! Not in public!"

"Have fun getting them dressed then," Robin says, patting his cheek.

* * *

Barney manages it, eventually, after they've had breakfast. Marvin complains that his suits are uncomfortable, and Barney tries to explain that looking good comes at a price, but Marvin isn't having any of it and puts on his blue and grey striped t-shirt instead. Barney tries not to get angry at him.

When Daisy and Marvin are back downstairs sprawled on the couch watching cartoons, Robin decides that it's time to break the news. Once the ad break, attempting to sell them some new kind of robotic owl, is on, Barney puts the TV on mute.

"Hey, we've got some exciting news for you two,"

"D' Mommy have the baby?!" Marvin guesses excitedly.

"Yeah, she did,"

"Yay!" trills Marvin, flopping onto his back in celebration.

"Mommy had a baby," notes Daisy.

"You've got a sister," says Robin.

Marvin sits up abruptly, "Another one?"

"Yup,"

"Daisy, we got another girl," he clarifies to his (first) sister.

"You happy with that?" Barney asks.

"Yeah," says Marin calmly.

"Can we see?" Daisy asks.

"We'll go visit later,"

"You should _totally _Suit Up for your new sister," Barney recommends.

"Nah!"

* * *

Marvin insists on making a card each for Mommy and Daddy and the new baby, and Daisy joins in too. Although this causes a mess, it kills quite a lot of time so by the time they're done and everything's cleared up, the hospital's open for visitors. Robin texts Marshall to let him know they're on their way, but it turns out that getting two kids into their shoes and coats, and getting them out of the house and into the taxi takes, longer than anticipated. They play i-Spy in the cab, and when they arrive Daisy and Marvin have fun running endlessly around in the revolving doors. So when the four of them finally get to the maternity ward's waiting room, Marshall's already waiting for them

"Dad!" Marvin screams, throwing himself at him.

"Oof! Hel, pal. How's it going? Did you have a fun time with Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney?"

"We went to bed _soooo_ late," Marvin reveals, thrilled, "Ten past nine!"

Marshall gasps and Marvin giggles.

"Played soccer," says Daisy, "Made cards,"

Robin them over.

"Mom will be _so _impressed," Marshall gasps, looking intently at his children's paintings.

"Can we see her?" Daisy asks.

"Yup. _And _the baby. But we have to be really quiet," Marshall reminds them, "Like mice,"

"Like the cockamouse," Marvin adds.

"Yup. Let's go say hi,"

Marshall lifts Marvin up onto his hip, and takes Daisy's hand.

"You two as well!" he says to Barney and Robin.

"Nah, you lot go," says Robin, taking Barney's hand in one of hers, and latching onto his arm with the other, "We'll give you some time on your own,"

"Nah, come see Lily," says Marshall.

"We'll grab a coffee first. You go be a family,"

Marshall shrugs, and takes his kids out into the corridor to find their Mom's ward. Barney gives Robin a funny look.

"They need some time to be a family," she repeats with a shrug, "Come on, I'll buy you a coffee. We deserve it,"


	21. Christmas Eve

**...because nothing says "yay, it's nearly Summer!" like a Christmas chapter. Prepare to drown in fluff. **

Christmas Eve

_December 2020_

"What the bejeezus did you get him?" asks Tray, as Luke wanders around the massive gift-wrapped box in awe. It's at least a head taller than the three-year old, and topped with an elaborate white bow.

"Please," Barney scoffs, then adds to Luke, "Gotta wait until tomorrow to open it, right bro?"

_"__Nooow!" _Luke protests.

"But we need to wait for Santa to come bring you your other gifts, don't we Lukey?" Tracy points out, "_Then _we can open _everything _on Christmas morning,"

"I have more presents under the tree!" Penny declares, full of vindictive glee, "I got two from Grandad and Luke only got _one,"_

"That's _enough, _Pen,_" _snaps Ted, before Luke can strop, "Christmas isn't about who gets the most presents,"

"Christmas totally is about who gets the most pres-"

"Barney, shut up,"

It's become a Christmas tradition for the whole gang to have a party on Christmas Eve, or the nearest day to it when everyone's in New York ("Christmas with our family who we like, before Christmas Day with our family who we don't," Robin sneeringly calls it). So, Ted and Tracy's house, which is a mess at the best of times and a green-and-red bombsite at Christmas, is currently overrun with hyperactive children ("Seriously, Barney, you _have _to stop smuggling them all that candy,") and harassed adults so exhausted they're in overdrive.

"Oh, I left that gouda in the kitchen, Marshall!" Lily realises abruptly.

"Dammit, we'd been saving that gouda," her husband snarls.

"We've got cheese," supplies Ted unhelpfully, "You know that horrible plasticky stuff the kids like on sandwiches,"

"Guys, I think there's enough canapés already," insists Robin drily.

"These are awesome, Uncle Ted," corroborates Daisy through a mouthful of mini hotdogs. She's sprawled on the floor underneath the Christmas tree with Penny, covering each other in stickers. Daisy's wearing one of Marvin's old Spiderman suits, and it's too big for her so although the chest's bulging with sewn-in muscles, the trousers are baggy. Plus, Spiderman is now covered in sparkly princess stickers and has three mini hotdogs stuffed in her mouth. Marshall has never seen anything more beautiful.

"Don't tell her there's more in the oven," hisses Lily, "I'm not spending another Christmas Day cleaning up that kid's puke,"

"Luke had an allergic reaction at a birthday party a couple of weeks ago," sympathises Tracy.

"'Llergic! Sick!" Luke yells, excited by the mention of his glorious projectile-vomiting performance.

"Yes, you _were _sick weren't you, sweetie?" Tracy adds.

"Thank God you don't vomit when he does," Ted shudders, "That would _not _have been pretty,"

"This conversation right here is the greatest advert against having children the world has ever known," Robin announces.

"You two don't have to deal with vomit? We know you were both wrecked after Thanksgiving,"

"Yeah cos Lily, there's this thing called _leaving food in the oven_ _until it's cooked,"_ Barney snarls.

"And there's also this thing called being in your forties and not drinking like you're twenty-five anymore,"

"It was totally the meat pie," Robin scoffs.

"Exactly," her husband agrees.

"Nah, it was cos you went too heavy on the booze!" Marvin pipes up loudly and unexpectedly from where he's been hiding with Anna underneath the couch.

"My boy knows," Marshall nods proudly. Barney and Robin scowl.

* * *

Lily and Tracy enjoy watching how the five children divide themselves up. Sometimes it's boys/ girls, sometimes it's "the twins"/ the older ones, sometimes it's Luke and Daisy, the competitive gamers/ Marvin, Penny and Anna, the make-believers. Penny walks a tricky line between Daisy and Anna, who she both likes very much for different reasons, but who won't get on particularly well with each other. The three of them together always teeters on the verge of an argument- and when Daisy and Anna are fighting Penny's even more confused about whose side she should be on. But by now Marvin's developed a sixth sense about when his sisters are squabbling, so will rush in to break it up if needed. And since Daisy and Anna both adore their big brother, they'll shut up sharpish. Right now the youngest three have scurried upstairs, leaving Marvin and Daisy, Captain and First Mate of the gang of kids, to have important conversation with the grown-ups. Marvin's squished between Ted and Robin on the couch, and Daisy's on Ted's knee.

"Aw, I wish you two could have come to the play, it was so good," Marvin's enthusing happily to his Aunt Robin, "I told you I was Balthazar, right?"

"Yeah, you've told me a few times,"

"And my friend Zarik was Caspar and this boy called Aidan was Milky Way-ore,"

"Who?"

"The other king. I don't know, I can't say it properly. I'm _always_ a king because I'm tall. Mom, how many years have I been a king in the nativity?"

"Oh, since Kindergarten. And we keep buying crowns," Lily says, half-wearily.

Daisy and Marshall meanwhile, are telling Ted about pizza place they went to on the way home from Daisy's Christmas basketball tournament.

"Dude, it was amazing. It was like if...if you ate the DVD of _Field of Dreams, _that's what this pizza tasted like,"

"What's a DVD?" Daisy pipes up.

"You sure that a DVD would taste like pizza?" Ted asks sceptically.

"If all the awesomeness in _Field of Dreams _was tomato, and the emotion in _Field of Dreams _was pepperoni-"

"And the cheese in _Field of Dreams _was cheese," Robin butts in. Ted, Marshall and Daisy glare at her. Marvin shrugs.

"If _Field of Dreams _was a pizza, Ted, it would have been this pizza," Marshall concludes. Daisy folds her arms and nods in confirmation.

"What film is Gazola's's then?"

"Oh, like, the original _Star Wars_ trilogy plus deleted scenes and director's commentary,"

"I can't do this _Star Wars _talk without another glass of wine. Ted?" says Lily.

"More in the kitchen, I'm on it," he says, "Scootch, Daisy,"

Daisy slides onto the floor and Marvin follows her, leaving Robin to help Ted return a few empty plates to the kitchen. Everyone had assumed that Barney was upstairs with messing about with the younger three and Tracy, but Ted and Robin find him alone in the hall, surrounded by a pile of Christmas cards he's evidently knocked off the hanger.

"Look what I found!" he cries, thrilled, "Heather's card!"

"Oh dear God," groans Ted.

_"__Hark the herald angels sing, glory to the hot sibling! Hark look, Heather's card is here, I would do her up the r-"_

Ted and Robin simultaneously punch him in the chest. Ted snatches the card.

"Alright, kidding," Barney sighs, then hisses, "I'd go reverse cowgirl,"

Ted wrestles him, pushes Barney's head down and runs his hand over the back of his head.

"What the hell are you doing?" Barney splutters, "We've already done this week's scalp check,"

"Looking for an off switch. I'm still not entirely convinced that you're not a robot droid sent from Mars to annoy us,"

"There's no off switch. I don't stop. I keep going_ aaall _night. Tell him, Robin,"

"Yeah," Ted sighs, releasing Barney with a slap on the back, "There's no off switch,"

* * *

Once Ted's retrieved another bottle of red and hidden Heather's card in the microwave, they all return to the den, where Penny, Anna, Luke and Tracy have returned. Marvin and Anna have snuck under the couch again, whispering to each other and pretending nobody can see them. Luke's small for his three years of age, and seems to honestly believe that his Uncle Marshall is a giant. Instead of being afraid however, Luke sees Marshall as a moving playground, and is currently scaling his shoulders like a mountain. Marshall twitches every so often so that Luke slips, which makes the boy gasp, chortle, and begin the ascent again. Penny toddles over to join in, and although the Erikson three are used to climbing, wrestling and being thrown around by their father, Daisy hurls into the action as well, clambering onto Ted, hauling herself up onto the back of the couch and walking across it like a balance-beam.

"Careful," warns Ted, "We've had a couple of bumped heads in the past,"

"I _am _careful," Daisy shoots back, reaching the end of the couch and star-jumping off the end, landing in a crouch position on the carpet. "See,"

"Jesus, like a cat," Barney notes, scooping Daisy up and plunking her back on the back of the couch.

"My turn!" Luke shouts, treading on Ted's face as he climbs up to join Daisy "Watch!"

"Luke-"warns Marshall, and the three-year-old only makes it two steps before falling head-first off the couch and onto the carpet. He immediately bursts into tears.

"Aww, poor dude," Barney commiserates, kneeling down on the floor with the invalid, "That looked nasty,"

"Dad_dy!"_

"Bump on your head, bro? You want me to kiss it better?"

Barney picks Luke up, presses his lips to the boy's temple and mutters, "It's okay, dude,"

"Daddy! Want daddy!"

"Luke, hang on a second- get off me, Pen," grumbles Ted, passing his daughter onto Marshall. He goes round to the back of the couch, where Luke reaches for him desperately, "Daddy! _Hurting!"_

"I know, I know, poor you. Were you being a little over-ambitious, though? D'you know what 'over-ambitious' means?" Ted asks gently, as Luke flops out of Barney's arms into his father's. Barney's face falls dejectedly.

"You need to be more careful until you're as big as your cousin Daisy, 'kay? Good boy. Here, let me see...oh, it's a _huge _bump. Going to have to take you to hospital," Ted jokes exaggeratedly. Luke raises a smile.

Daisy meanwhile, has crawled under the couch with Marvin, and is now kicking Anna out

"Don't push her," Lily chastises, "Anna was there first,"

But for once Anna doesn't retaliate against her sister, and rolls out from under the couch. Barney grabs her, lifts her up onto his hip and yelps, "Wanna dance, sweetheart? Penny, c'mere,"

Barney's not especially good at carrying wriggling two kids at once, but Luke not wanting him and shouting for Ted instead makes him eager to prove that he can be _something _for the kids. And drunkenly dancing to Christmas songs is one of his specialities.

While Barney's jigging around with the youngest girls_, _Ted's shutting Luke up and Daisy and Marvin and drawing patterns in the carpet under the couch, Marshall and Tracy are locked in 'Breakfast-Foods-Singing-Show-Tunes Christmas Edition'.

"O Come All Ye Grapefruits,"

"Frosty Flakes the Snowman,"

"Pannettone-Awards. Bit of Italian Christmas for ya there,"

"There's gotta be something we can think of for Froot Loops..." Tracy sighs.

Not riveting by the punning competition, Lily and Robin are fiercely debating if Manhattan does better burgers then Brooklyn. Due the fact that the Mosbys tend to have only a couch and two chairs in use, they're both perched on wooden garden chairs from the shed. Earlier in the evening he and Tracy had insisted that the guests sit on the couch and armchairs, but everyone's moving around and popping to the kitchen and coming and going from the kids so much, that the hosts have given up monitoring where everybody sits. Besides, Ted and Lily spent that first night in the apartment together, with _no _furniture whatsoever.

"Manhattan has Clarke's Burgers, and Minetta-"

"Yeah, but we have Dram Shop and Bill's and-"

"And about four thousand MacDonald's,"

"Pfft, Manhattan has thousands more MacDonald's than Brooklyn,"

"Yeah, but it also has some of the best restaurants in-"

"You're so into food now you're Mrs International News, you know that? You used to be happy with the MacLaren's menu,"

_"__You_ used to come to MacLaren's," Robin points out.

"Hey, we manage once a month," Lily protests. The six of them ensure that they have a group night back at their old haunt every four weeks. Living in Manhattan and not having children, Robin and Barney still hang out there together sometimes, but it isn't the same with just two.

"Yeah, and now we're not there every night Barney insists that we try out some of his fancy metrosexual banker places on the East Side,"

"We're gonna go play upstairs," interrupts Daisy's voice, and she and Marvin reappear.

"Anyone wanna join in?" Marvin adds.

Penny, Anna and Barney are in their little bubble, but Ted sees an opening to ditch Luke's clinginess. Putting him down on the floor, Ted tells him, "You go play with your cousins. Good boy, off you go,"

Ted gives Marvin a _keep-an-eye-on-him _look, and finally returns to the couch next to Marshall.

"Phew. Most accident-prone toddler in the world right there," he sighs.

"Yeah, cos you're the co-ordination king," Lily scoffs, "Remind me how we got that hole in the apartment ceiling?"

"It's a flail, Lily, it's designed the cause damage," Ted points out.

"Medieval skills!" Tracy chirps, high-fiving her husband.

"Next time the Renaissance Fayre's in town, I'll have your kids for the day and take them somewhere _cool,"_ Robin mutters. At that moment, Barney, Penny and Anna all burst into fits of giggles, evidently hysterical at something one of them has just said. They start whispering to each other gleefully, oblivious to everyone else.

"You know," Robin tells Tracy, watching them, "I've watched him fall head-over-heels in love with not-one-not-two-but-three girls in the past six years,"

Tracy shrugs, "He loves kids. He loves women. He loves our gang. Penny, Daisy and Anna a combination of all three of those. Plus, you two don't see our kids when they're throwing tantrums in Walmart or refusing to get in the bath,"

"And Penny and Anna agree with Barney that he's the greatest thing to happen to the human race," Robin sighs. He's smitten with them but they're spellbound by him right back. "I'm just gonna wait it out until they realise that Aunt Robin is, in fact, the coolest godparent around,"

"You know I saw you letting her have a sip of your wine earlier,"

Robin shrugs. "It is scientifically proven that children who encounter alcohol in the home when with supervising adults are more likely to drink sensibly when they're teenagers,"

"Ignoring the fact that you're starting to sound disturbingly like your husband, that's probably a correct analysis,"

"See? Remember who to thank when Penny's _not_ in the ER or the police station in ten years' time," Robin says, clicking her tongue. Daisy tumbles into the room, panting excitedly.

"What are you up to?" Marshall demands in an exaggerated headmaster voice.

"Hide an' seek. S'there anywhere I can hide in here? Where's the best place to hide, Uncle Ted?"

"I know!" Penny shrieks, "Lemme show you," she twists in Barney's arms and, reluctantly, he puts her and Anna down. Penny grabs Daisy's hand and yanks her out of the room, chattering.

"Wait up!" Barney calls, and scampers after them. Robin waits a moment then concedes, "Alright, I'll play too," and follows. This leaves Anna behind to toddle over to Tracy, who pulls her onto her lap and strokes her hair. It's dark ginger and slightly wavy- very different to Penny's straight dark hair.

"Ted, did you get Cheerios?" Tracy remembers abruptly.

"Yup. Luke and I made the Santa Cereal while you were finding the Christmas plates,"

"What the heck is Santa Cereal?" Lily asks.

"You get cereal and you mash it up-" Ted explains.

"-and you mix glitter into it," Tracy finishes.

"And that's for Santa?" Lily asks.

"Yeah. Or for the reindeer. I'm not actually sure. We do cookies and sherry as well," Tracy admits.

"Anyway, you guys give Santa milk and lutefisk, so you can't talk about weird Christmas snacks," Ted points out.

"Proteins, Ted," Marshall points out, "How d'you think he got to be the big fat man with the long beard if he wasn't getting his Vitamin B?"

* * *

Another few more rounds of hide-and-seek later (involving a twenty-minute hunt to find Penny, who was wedged behind Tracy's easels in the basement) all the kids are back in the den and exhausted, and Tracy suggests that perhaps it's time for the party to come to an end and everybody to get ready for Christmas Eve (Barney opens his mouth to mention a favourite Christmas Eve tradition of his and Robin's, but the look Lily gives him makes him shut up sharpish). Lily heads into the hall to call a taxi for the Eriksons and a taxi for Robin and Barney. Although of course, no party ends right away, especially with five over-tired children to calm down. Anna's shoes have disappeared and Luke's getting crabby again, and there's all sorts of hugging and high-fiving to get through. Predictably Penny's upset to see everyone go, and predictably Barney is relishing in it.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, beautiful. I've got another niece and nephew who need me tomorrow. I'll call, yeah? Trace we'll call around seven tomorrow," He stamps a kiss on Penny's forehead. Robin catches his eye and gives him an irritated look. Yes, Barney's smitten by their cuteness, but he's also shrewd about these things, and in Barney's world other people's feelings always come secondary to his own vanity. Fawning over a girl all night and then playing the oops-sorry-gotta-go-cos-I'm-just-_so_-important card was always a favourite little game of his, but playing it A. When he's married, B. With a five-year-old, is weird. The most annoying part is that Barney only sees it as a pleasant ego-boost for himself.

"Want you to st_aaay_, Uncle Barney!"

"I know, honey, I wish I could stay here with you, too," he pouts grandiosely, all cloying bluster and empty promises, "Hey, is that a quarter behind your ear?"

Yeah, Robin really can't wait until the kids get bored with the sickly magic of Barney's charm-offensives. She elbows him out of the way and tells Penny, "Be _careful_ with your gift. I bought it in Houston, I'm sure you'll like it,"

"Don't want ever'one to go!"

"Yeah, well I don't wanna spend tomorrow at my mother-in-law's watching _Miracle on 34__th__Street_. We all gotta do stuff we don't want to, Pen,"

"Okay, Mosby crew upstairs for stockings!" Tracy orders, but Luke and Anna are clinging onto each other fiercely. "Come on, or Santa won't visit," Tracy adds, prising Luke away from his best friend and picking him up.

Ted follows, passing Lily in the hall- she's still on the phone to the cab, but blows a kiss to Luke and Penny as they go past. Once they get upstairs, Ted and Tracy get the kids into their pyjamas and make them brush their teeth, and then Luke jumps onto Penny's bed so they can have their lullaby together.

"Do it Christmas, Mommy," Penny requests.

"What?"

"Do Christmas Vee 'n' Rosy,"

"Oh, that version?" Tracy remembers, _"__Hold me close and hold me fast,  
The magic spell is cast  
Tonight for Santa Claus' sleigh_

_Through the night the reindeer fly  
And when you close your eyes  
He will come down the chimney_

_Stockings, friends and lots of fun,_

_Today is almost done_

_Tomorrow's Christmas_

_And when you sleep angels sing from above_  
_'Jesus in Bethlehem_  
_Was born love us'_

_Sleep, and when you wake next morn_

_King Jesus will be born_

_And it is Christmas,"_

"D'you come up with that on the spot or have you been practising?" Ted whispers.

Tracy's answer is to dump Luke into Ted's arms.

"Daddy's gonna put you to sleep now, Lukey. Say goodnight to Daddy, Pen?"

"Night,"

"Night, darling. Happy Christmas,"

Ted gives her a cuddle and carries Luke into his bedroom. As the youngest, Luke has the smallest bedroom, though thankfully he's too young to have started moaning about this yet. Ted turns the main light off and flicks on the Chinese style nightlight Robin bought Luke from Beijing when he was a baby.

"Show me the sky,"

In the last couple of week's Luke's been into looking at the night sky. He likes the stars and the moon, like the glow-in-the-dark stickers he has on his ceiling. Ted carries him to the window and holds him up against it, and they look out together into the Christmas Eve sky. Ted puts his nose to his son's hair.

"Where's the moon?"

"It's probably behind clouds right now,"

_"__Aaw,"_ Luke groans, as if he's just been denied weeks' dinners.

Ted holds him there is silence for a couple more minutes. Luke gazes at the sky and Ted gazes at Luke. Then he softly says, "Sleep now,"

"'Kay," Luke replies. Ted puts him gently onto his bed and Luke carefully hangs his stocking onto the bedknob.

"Night, buddy. Merry Christmas,"

He kisses Luke goodnight, pulls the blanket up to his chin and leaves the room. He can hear Tracy and Penny chatting nextdoor- Penny likes to have a little quiet talk with Mommy before sleep, so Ted trots back downstairs. He passes Robin and Barney in the hallway, kissing sloppily underneath the mistletoe. She's got him backed up against the wall, stroking his cheekbone with her thumb and squeezing his back pocket with her other hand. Barney's got one arm around Robin's waist and the other hand tangled in her hair, and Ted can hear his soft, throaty moans.

"Get a room," Ted mutters. Without breaking the kiss, Barney swings a punch at him. Ted rolls his eyes and heads into the den, where Anna's dozing and Marshall's struggling to wrestle Daisy into her coat.

"Arms in. No, straight. Come on Day,". But she's tired and floppy and not co-operating. Marvin's already bundled up and is cuddling Anna, while chattering animatedly to Lily.

"And we need to do the cookies for Santa, and do we have enough lutefisk? Mom, did you find my green sweater for tomorrow? I don't mind wearing the red one, but it's kind of small now. I asked Grandma for a new one, d'you know if she bought me it? You can tell me if she did, Mom, it's basically Christmas Day right now,"

_Over-tired verbal__diarrhoea_, Lily mouths to Ted.

"Yes, finally!" Marshall cheers dramatically, having succeeded in getting both Daisy's arms into her coat sleeves, "One zip to go!"

A few minutes later when Tracy's returned from her hat with Penny, and Lily gets the text that the cab's arrived.

"Team, let's move," Marshall orders, shooing Daisy into the hall and taking Anna from Marvin.

"_Ewww! Kissing!" _Daisy shrieks on walking into Barney and Robin in the hall. Barney reluctantly peels his eyes open. Robin gives him a final peck on the lips and lets him go. Daisy's still gaping at them, appalled, so Barney barks, "Quit starin', kid. Race ya to the cabs!"

He wrenches the door open and dashes out of it with Daisy.

"Hey, you never say anything when Mommy and I kiss! And we're your parents- when do we get an 'Ew'?" Marshall calls after her, then turns to Ted, "Isn't the point of being a parent to embarrass your kids by being all yukky with your wife?"

"Apparently our esteemed Sherbatsky-Stinsons are more yukkily in love than we are," says Ted, "How's about that, Scherbatsky?"

He grins at her.

"Yeah, but parents kissing is all lovey-dovey yukky. This-" she points to a couple of bite-marks on her neck, "Is hot-passionate-rough yukky,"

"You can't give each other hickeys under mistletoe!" Marshall chides, "Jees, can't you two leave some things romantic?"

Robin's about to argue that love-biting under mistletoe counts as _kind of _romantic, but she's interrupted by Marvin piping up, "What's a hickey?"

"Let's get you in the car, champ," Marshall declares, prodding Marvin to the front door.

"But Dad, what's-"

"Oops, Daisy left her hat here!" Lily interrupts, "Marv, go outside and give it to her- and don't you _dare _ask Uncle Barney that question,"

Marshall shoves the hat into his son's fist, shoos him outside and cringes at Ted and Robin.

"You think that's bad- Penny asked me a couple of weeks ago why I had a packet of balloons in my bedside drawer," says Ted with a wince.

"Oh my God, what the hell did you say?" gasps Lily.

Ted looks at the floor and mumbles, "I told her it was for a surprise birthday party,"

"Oh, Teddy Boy," Robin scoffs.

"Hey! I'm prepared. And I seem to remember you and lover-boy having to borrow protection from me once or twice when we lived together in Manhattan,"

"Guys. Three-year-old," Marshall points out, still holding Anna.

"Save all your tales of debauchery until they're teenagers, at least," Lily adds, "Anyway, we shouldn't keep the taxis waiting, gotta get this lump to bed,"

She reaches over to ruffle Anna's hair, pulls Tracy, Ted and Robin into a hug, and Marshall goes with her out onto the pathway, where Barney is desperately holding Marvin back so he doesn't beat him to the taxi, which Daisy's leaning against the cab and giggling, while Marvin guffaws, "Lemme go!"

Back inside, Robin stands in front of Ted and cups his face with her hand. Tracy notices that Robin and Ted have abruptly becomes very serious with each other

"Merry Christmas Ted,"

"Merry Christmas, Robin,"

Her hand drifts down from his cheek to his shoulder, and they hug tenderly. Tracy's very rarely seen them like this act around each other- usually it's banter, ribbing and 'remember that time when...'. Tracy wonders if something special happened between them the Christmas they dated, or one of the Christmases they lived together. Ted's perfectly comfortable explaining his eight-year on-again-off-again relationship with Robin (although honestly it's so long and complicated that Tracy sometimes gets the dates and details confused, and anyway it hardly comes up anymore), although Tracy isn't sure if she wants to leave this Christmas thing was private between Ted and Robin.

When, finally, all the guests are out of the door, Ted sighs, "Phew," and sinks wearily down onto the second-to-bottom stair.

Tracy sighs, resting her back against the door. "Now I remember why we usually do this Christmas Eve thing at Marshall and Lily's place,"

"But no crises this time, right?"

"You're going with crises, Mosby? Crises?"

"What, you think it's crisises?"

"Crisi?"

"Oh God, I'm too tired for grammar right now,"

"_You? _Who are you and what have you done with Ted Mosby?_"_

"Trace, it's ten o'clock on New Year's Eve,"

"Christmas Eve,"

"Oh, now _you're _correcting me," he scoffs. Tracy rolls her eyes good-naturedly, and they lapse into silence until-

"Hey,"

"Hmm?" he asks.

"Look up," Tracy tells him.

Ted smiles at her. "Mistletoe,"

"Yyyup. Come on," She stands up, holds her hand out to him and pulls him to his feet. Tracy snake her arms around Ted's shoulders.

"Christmas Eve," she mumbles.

"Can you believe we have Christmas Eve parties with our family? You, me, Luke, Pen. I'm so-" his lips brush hers, "I'm so happy this happened. That-" kiss- "This is us,"

"Mmm," Tracy agrees, "Happy Christmas, Ted,"

**Thank you for reading. Once you've forced your way out of the avalanche of fluff which has just landed on you, please drop me a review. Thank you so much.**


	22. Sand

Sand

_July 2022_

"And this one is from where Dad shut the door on my finger,"

"Sure,"

"He didn't know I was hiding. I got _this one_ playing baseball at school- I nearly hit a home run but the ground was wet so I fell over,"

"What's that one?"

"Oh. I don't know. That's just a random one,"

Daisy and Robin are hanging around on the wall at Orchard Beach, having been the first two eliminated from The World Grand Ultimate Bask-Sand-Ball Final: Champion Of Champion Legendary Heroes Edition. Daisy is giving Robin a detailed account of her scabs and bruises.

"Anna bit my on my toe here, but you can't really see it anymore,"

"Why'd she do that?"

"She _says _she was playing Sharks, but she just wanted to bite me," Daisy reveals. She's wearing white shorts and has a faded butterfly tattoo peeling off her left arm, and is skipping merrily about. Over by the sea, Lily hurls the basketball to Luke, who catches it, bounces it twice and dashes towards the goal. Marshall helps him out by grabbing Anna and holding her upside-down by her legs. Anna shrieks through laughter and, Luke boots the basketball towards the goal but it goes wide. Ted, in goal, runs to retrieve it before it rolls into the sea (they've lost enough balls to the Atlantic Ocean already over the years).

"I'm cold," Daisy declares. She digs in the pile of clothes, shoes, bags, buckets, spades, towels, spare balls and Anna's teddy- eventually locating Marvin's BARCELONA FC hoodie, which she pulls on over her bare chest. There's sand in the hoodie, making it uncomfortable against skin; grainy and hard, not warm and soft like sand underfoot.

"S' your best injury, Aunt Robin?"

"Uh...no idea,"

"Why not?" Daisy demands.

"Well, I tend not to play baseball on wet fields, get bitten by my sister or have your dad shut doors on me,"

"Dad hurts us _all the time. _Not on purpose,"

"You heard about when he stabbed your Mom?"

"_Stabbed?"_

_"_Accidentally,"

"With a knife?"

"Better- with a sword. Ask Ted, he was there,"

Daisy rolls into a handstand, walks a couple of steps and then crashes onto the ground. She staggers to her feet, happily brushing sand out of her hair.

"How long can you stay on your hands for?" Robin asks.

"Nineteen seconds, but I'm worse at walking on them. I'm better at cartwheels and handsprings- see!"

And then she's off, flipping and twisting down the beach, all skinny legs and wispy blonde hair and kicked sand.

"Aaw!" Penny's voice groans loudly from the match.

"You're out!" Luke crows victoriously, jumping up and down and pointing at her. Penny huffs but submissively heads over to the Elimination Wall.

"Hi," Daisy says, landing on her back on the beach, "D'you get knocked out?"

"Teach me that cartwheel-handstand thingy,"

"'Kay," Daisy shrugs, "You cartwheel fast, and keep _extremely _straight but...it's like falling backwards at the end of the cartwheel. You keep your arms over your head and then you-" Daisy demonstrates- "You go into bridge but it's easier than bridge cos you bring your legs over your head, you don't have to stretch as much,"

Penny does a cartwheel and flops into a clumsy bridge. "Ah!"

"Legs up before your hands are on the ground; you push with your feet and it's easy from there. When your feet are over your head you just have to keep falling backwards, you shouldn't be scared,"

"Daisy, can you do backflips?"

"On the trampoline,"

"What about from the floor?"

"Do another cartwheel and I'll hold your legs into the handspring,"

Penny does the cartwheel-crab, and Daisy helps her rest of the way over. Penny yelps, but is thrilled when she's back on her feet.

"Get it now?"

"It's not as hard as it looks. Do it again. Hey, Aunt Robin, come watch!"

Robin walks over to where the two girls are hurling themselves around.

"I'm helping her do a cartwheel-handspring," Daisy announces.

"Cool,"

"It goes like this," Daisy explains, demonstrating the trick, "Properly,"

"See," says Penny, once Daisy's upright. Penny does the cartwheel, tips backwards and Daisy catches her legs- but this time she holds them there for a moment longer. Penny squeals and kicks so Daisy drops her. When Penny scrambles to her feet, she launches herself at Daisy, tickling. Daisy snorts and runs away; she's fast, but Penny grabs her hood and yanks her backwards- and they collapse hysterically into a giggling heap on the sand.

**Thanks for your time, please drop me a review. Heads up- the next chapter will be a little out of the ordinary.**


	23. Holding Hands

**OK everybody, keep calm: ****_This is a poem. _****I hardly ever write poetry and I'm not crazy about poetry fanfic, but I wrote this as prose and it sounded weird, so I messed around with the formatting and it...kind of turned into a poem. Hope you enjoy it.**

Holding Hands

_June 2021_

5th Avenue.

Redheaded girl in a turquoise fairy costume.

A tall blond guy wearing a grey suit.

Chattering happily to each other.

Her right hand in his left

(She's on the side near the road).

She's skipping and he's walking,

Although because her four-year-old legs are so short, they're going at the same speed.

The girl twirls under his arm occasionally, and

He whoops and twists his arm so she does another spin.

They chuckle and cackle.

When she notices a crack on the paving slabs, she jumps over it-

But she only does it for three slabs in a row

Before getting bored of looking for cracks.

He isn't watching for them.

Once or twice,

She moves her left hand on top of their hands which are already linked,

And jumps off the ground so he's carrying her.

And she's flying.

**Thanks for reading. I hope you liked it, but if it wasn't your kind of thing I'll be returning to my usual dialogue-heavy prose soon. Whatever you thought, please review :- )**


	24. Zwolf

Zwolf

_October 2029_

_To Luke_

_Happy 12__th__Birthday_

_Sorry I can't be there, I'll see you soon!_

_Lots of love_

_Robin xxx_

(The kids only ever call her "Aunt Robin", but she never refers to herself with the epithet. "Aunt" sounds too matronly for Robin's ears). She slips the card (a photo of the Brandenburg Gate and the words _Alles Gute zum Geburtstag!_ on the front) into the envelope, and the envelope into the satchel, which already contains several gift-wrapped parcels.

Luke Mosby is not the easiest person to buy birthday gifts for. He doesn't like trinkets and collectables (gifts Robin usually buys hordes of for Marvin, Penny and Anna), and he's turning twelve so getting too old for toys. Unsurprisingly given their parents, Luke and Penny both enjoy reading, but Robin can't exactly buy him a book in German. He likes practical stuff, but Robin's inclined to think that that's boring. However, Luke's started middle school this year, and by two months into term he's discovered that there's lots of new kit and stationary he needs. So Robin reckons it'll be cool for him to rock up to school the Monday after his birthday with cool German gear. She's bought him a soccer shirt, socks (not the most badass present in the world, but boys always need socks), and a German flag patterned guitar strap with a set of guitar pleks with photos of the city on. Also a big packet of candy, today's _Berliner Zeitung, _and a petri dish containing a small chunk of the Berlin wall (it's probably fake, but that isn't the point). All of these are inside an Ampelmann satchel, which is in the cardboard box.

Robin feels guilty about missing Luke's birthday, especially as she doesn't travel for work as much these days, so it's bad luck that she's away at the moment. The current International Team of twentysomething yuppies screwed up on the last assignment in Dublin, so Robin's been sent with them this time to keep an eye on them and sort out any potential disasters they could cause. So far there haven't been any, so she's been part-time at the office, and the rest of the week exploring the city and buying Luke's presents. Luke turning twelve is a milestone. As the youngest of the five children, when Luke accomplishes something or reaches a birthday, it's the last time _any _of the kids will do it. And twelve seems more significant than thirteen, for some reason. Robin's definitely pleased that the kids are getting older because they're more independent and interesting. But it does feel somewhat bittersweet that she's never again going to have a conversation with Lily while having a kid or (or three) climbing over them. She's never going to read another picture book aloud or play hide-and-seek. She's been better at all that than she'd have imagined fifteen years ago. Yes, queuing for a ride on Coney Island with multiple whiney, over-excited, bathroom-needing children was annoying, and playing Fairies in public with Anna was embarrassing, and Robin never understood Minecraft no matter how many times Marvin explained it to her. But she hadn't been as bad at it as she expected to be. She got the hang of it, got used to it. Asking Luke enough questions about dinosaurs to convince him she cared; never allowing the kids a bottomless glass at a restaurant; realising that no other adult in the playground cared about how ridiculous they looked when playing make-believe. All things she'd learnt and accepted; things which had eventually become natural and normal and, occasionally, anticipated.

So, although on the whole Robin Scherbatsky is glad to see the back off sticky fingers, gap-toothed lisps and the risk of treading on a piece of Lego when entering the Erikson or Mosby households, perhaps she'll miss it all, just a little.

She writes addresses the address on the box, duct-tapes it up, and goes out to find a post-office.


	25. The Mosby-Stinsons: Take Two

**This one gets very silly towards the end. It's a sitcom, after all!**

The Mosby-Stinsons: Take Two

_July 2023_

"We'll see,"

"That means no,"

"What happened last time you went on something like that? You vomited all over Mommy,"

"If there's vomiting, count me out," Barney shudders, "Not in this suit,"

"You're probably too little to reach the height anyway," Penny teases her brother.

_"__No!" _Luke whines. Him, Penny, Barney and Ted are in the entrance queue at the funfair. They can see the Twister, and Luke is begging Ted to let him have a ride on it.

"I'll think about it," Ted says.

"That means no," Penny repeats.

Ted swats Barney in the chest and hisses "Do a magic trick to shut them up,"

"Ah, I've got hay fever coming, guys," Barney announces, spluttering. He coughs into his hands, then begins pulling ribbon out of his mouth. Luke gapes.

"Ew," says Penny. Barney keeps spluttering and pulling the increasingly long ribbon out, and it tangles in his hands. With a final cough, he spits out a bow, and winks at them.

"Wow!" Luke squeals.

"How d'you do that, Uncle Barney?"

"Can't say," he says, gazing mysteriously into the middle-distance, "Magician's code,"

By this time, they've shuffled along so that they're nearly at the front of the queue.

"Have you got something in your mouth?"

"Nope,". Barney opens with mouth wide for Penny to inspect.

"Magic," Luke marvels, "Daddy, you _weren't looking,"_

"I'll have seen it before," Ted sighs. They reach the front of the line, and Luke realises, "My shoes are untied,"

Barney bends down to tie Luke's laces back up, and Ted leans into the ticket booth, "Two adults two children, please,"

"That's a family ticket then, thirty-eight dollars,"

Ted pays in cash, and the girl in the booth peels off an entry sticker. "One for you," she says, handing it to Penny, "One for you," Luke takes it, "One for Daddy," she stickers Ted, "And one for Mo-"

Having knotted Luke's laces, Barney stands up.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" says the booth girl, "Here's one for your other Daddy. You guys are so cute!"

She hands Barney a sticker, beaming excitedly.

"Actually-"

But the family behind them come forward to buy their tickets, and Ted, Luke, Penny and Barney are ushered out of the way. Barney and Ted looks at each other. Ted grins. Barney grins back. There's no need for telepathic conversation; they both know what the plan is.

"Hey, Luke, Pen- listen," says Barney, getting down to the kids' height, "You know how my brother's married to a dude, so Eli and Sadie have two daddies?"

"Like Amy in my class," pipes up Luke.

"Yeah, buddy, like that," Ted corroborates.

"Just for today, you're gonna have two daddies too. How does that sound?" says Barney excitedly.

"How?" Penny asks.

Barney throws his arm around Ted. "Meet my husband,"

Luke and Penny gasp, then giggle.

"Today you all Ted T-Daddy and me B-Daddy. Think you can do that?"

"Yeah,"

"Totally,"

"Or just shout 'Daddy' and either of us'll notice," adds Ted.

"And do it _obviously, _so people see. There's five dollars for each of you for every person we fool,"

"Hey, why don't I get five dollars?" protests Ted, "I'm the one who has to be fake married to you all day!"

Barney ignores him. "Team Elton John- we ride!"

* * *

The first ride the four of them go on is the ferris-wheel. The carriages are big enough for six people, so Ted, Barney, Penny and Luke in there with a middle-aged couple.

"Lemme take a photo," says Barney, taking his phone out of his inside breast pocket, "T-Daddy, get in too!"

"Yeah, T-Daddy!" says Penny, sniggering. Ted puts his arms around each of his kids and smiles for the camera.

"Say cheese!" Barney chirps. He takes a couple of photos, then passes his phone to Ted.

"Yeah, take one with B-Daddy!" Penny trills, and she and Luke jump onto Barney's lap for Ted to take pictures. The middle-aged couple don't bat an eyelid. And they still don't bat an eyelid when Penny and Luke repeatedly say T-Daddy and B-Daddy throughout the rest of the ride, and when Ted calls Barney "sweetie".

Once they're back on grass, Ted announces, "Well, that was overwhelming,"

"They didn't notice," Penny whines.

"D'you know what time is it?" Barney interrupts, "Origin story time! We need a clear backstory in order to make ourselves a more convincing gay family. Ted, where did we meet?"

"You know that- at a urinal," he answers, as Luke and Penny run ahead, chattering.

"No, not in real life- in our fake gay-dad life...oh, actually I guess 'at a urinal' works for that too. And we dated for three years and got married in Monaco-"

"Ooh, can we have our honeymoon in Paris? I wanna see the Louvre, and the Sacre Coeur-

"Nah our honeymoon has to be somewhere cool. Brazil or-

"If we're getting married in Europe we should honeymoon there," Ted points out.

"Nah, I wanna go somewhere exciting..."

Once Ted and Barney have finally confirmed the details of the wedding they allegedly had twelve years ago (wedding in Paris, honeymoon in the Swiss Alps), talk turns to the difficult matter of Luke and Penny's fictional conception.

"I provided the sperm, obviously," Barney shrugs.

"Are you kidding? They're _my _kids,"

"Exactly, Ted- even though you don't have a genetic link, they're still as much your kids as they are mine. You really understand what it means to be a parent," Barney says in a sickly-fond voice, gazing at Ted proudly.

"No, in our _real_ life. Our straight life. They're my kids for real so obviously they're my kids in our gay life,"

"Right," Barney scoffs, gesturing to his face, "You marry this and don't use the genes. Get your head out of your ass,"

"They have dark hair and dark eyes- _obviously _they've got to be my kids,"

"Well, maybe their appearance favours the egg donor, so _ha," _Barney retorts.

"Well if their appearance favours the egg donor your genes were wasted, so _haha,_"

"Well maybe they got my brains and bone structure but the egg donor's _colouring, _so _hahaha,_"

"Dad, are you two done arguing? I need the bathroom," Luke calls.

"One second, buddy," Ted answers, then he hisses to Barney, "Fine, neither of us provided sperm- they're adopted. And dibs for all eternity on their name being Mosby-Stinson!"

* * *

"This is not going well," Ted declares when the four of them are sitting on a picnic table eating over-priced chicken wings. After all morning at the fair nobody has mentioned, asked or commented on the Mosby-Stinsons and their two fathers.

"I don't get it," Barney sulks, "James and Tom used to got stopped tonnes when their kids were little! One time they took 'em to Disneyland and Cinderella got so excited about their family, and she remembered them on the float. Eli and Sadie felt like rockstars,"

"That was years ago," Ted reminds him, "Gay dads are ten-a-penny nowadays. Right, you two?"

"Yeah. Amy has two dads. A kid at soccer has them,"

"Michael has three dads," Penny adds.

"Sean has ten dads!"

"Angelina has a hundred dads!"

They fall about laughing.

"Do you think we're not gay enough?" Barney asks Ted.

"I don't know," Ted shrugs, "I think we're pretty gay. I mean-" he gestures to Barney's blond hair, impeccable suit, and the fact that he's neatly cleaning each one of his fingers individually on his napkin, "Plus I'm an architect-"

"-And you do calligraphy,"

"Exactly! We totally _are _gay! You know what we need?"

"That Henri dude I split a cab with that time? He looked like he'd totally be up for-"

"We need my red cowboy boots,"

"Bro, it is never a time for your red cowboy boots! Luke, Pen, amirite?"

"You weren't pulling them off, Daddy," says Penny seriously. Luke nods.

"You've only seen photos, you weren't there to witness the full magnificence of my red co-"

"Yeah, Ted, we're not on you anymore," Barney snaps, "D'you reckon we need to start getting physical?"

"No!" protests Ted. Barney eyes him up and down, then concedes, "Yeah, no,"

"The only time today someone's thought we were gay dads was _before_ we were pretending to be gay dads," Ted notes, "How does that work?"

"Should we be _less_ obvious?" Barney guesses.

"And that would help because...?"

"I don't know, I'm running out of ideas. You two seem to know a lot about gay dads, got any suggestions?"

"I think you two like this idea a lot," notes Penny.

"Did Ted ever tell you about the time we adopted a baby as bros? Or the time he faked being Marshall's boyfriend and ended up hooki-"

"_Shut. Up" _Ted says through gritted teeth, throwing a couple of chicken bones at him.

"Hey, I pretended to be a lesbian to be pick up wom-"

Ted shoves him off the bench.

"Hey!" Barney mutters indignantly, checking his suit is intact- and then he has a brainwave. A squeaky-clean loved-up gay family isn't getting them any attention, so...

"Woah, don't turn our marriage violent! Not in front of the children, at least!" Barney shrieks, then hisses to the kids, _"Play along."_

Penny catches on and yells, "Don't hit B-Daddy, T-Daddy!"

"Pushing isn't allowed!" Luke corroborates.

"I'm thinking of leaving you! Soon-to-be-_ex-husband!" _Barney explodes. Everybody around is gawping at them, some sniggering (probably having realised it's fake) some looking shocked, and some looking utterly befuddled.

Seizing his moment, Ted jumps to his feet and screams, "I'm having custody!"

"In your dreams! Luke, Penny, come to B-Daddy, we're leaving!" Barney orders.

He grabs Luke and Penny by their arms. The kids are equally thrilled and bemused by the unfolding scene, and then Barney has an idea.

"Shout for your other dad," he whispers to Luke, giving him a little shake, "Go on, now!"

"T-Daddy!" Luke wails, turning back to Ted. Barney lets go off him and he runs towards Ted. The fact that Luke's giggling might ruin the pretence, but they don't care.

"Son!" Ted wails melodramatically, scooping Luke up.

"Keep him if you have too, he's too much trouble," Barney snarls callously, changing his characterisation somewhat.

"Like our entire marriage!" Ted spits. He storms away, carrying Luke and leaving a crowd of shocked faces behind them.

"I don't know what happened then," Luke whispers once they're a few yards away from the picnic tables.

"Neither do I, little man. But it was awesome,"

* * *

Barney texts Ted to meet up behind the bumper-cars ten minutes later.

"That- was- the most- legendary- thing- _ever!" _he splutters, laughing hysterically.

"Everyone thought we were crazy!" Penny chirps.

"That _was _crazy," adds Luke.

"Oh my God, Ted, we should get divorced more often,"

"I didn't think you could get so _mad_, Daddy," gasps Penny.

"God, I hope somebody filmed that," adds Barney

"Wait till we tell your Mom, she'll think we're insane," Ted says, ruffling Penny's hair.

"Tracey already thinks I'm insane," Barney points out.

"You _are insane," _Ted tells him.

"You're insane," Penny agrees. Luke nods, then asks, "Are you two gonna be split up all afternoon?"

"Umm..."

"Teams!" announces Ted, "I got custody of Luke, so it's me and him versus you two. Bumper-cars, let's go. Winner keeps the house."


	26. Over The Weekend

Over The Weekend

_May 2023_

**Friday**

It's the end of school so the playground's full of parents, childminders, kids, dropped sweaters and the odd deflated soccerball. Miss Rummelhart's letting her class out, and notices two new adults within the crowd of adults waiting by the door. Miss Rummelhart's been teaching this class for almost a year, so she so she knows most parents and other picker-uppers by sight.

"Hi," says the non-parent dude. He looks like a City boy- suit, gelled hair. He smiles kindly at Miss Rummelhart and says, "I'm picking up Anna,"

His cheekbones are high and his twinkling eyes don't break contact with hers, and Miss Rummelhart can't help but blush slightly. The guy clearly notices, because he holds his right hand out to her and introduces himself.

"Barney Stinson, by the way,"

She feels his thumb stroke across the back of her knuckles as they shake hands.

"Hi. I'm Miss Rummelhart-"

"Nice to meet you, Miss Rummelhart," he replies silkily. He smiles lop-sidedly again, still not letting go go of her hand.

Then there's a tut in the background and the other non-parent- a woman- interrupts, "We're here for Anna,"

"Oh, sure," Miss Rummelhart remembers, abruptly dropping Barney Stinson By The Way's hand, "Anna E or Anna W?

"Erikson," says the woman. She's pale, brunette, efficient-looking, and goodlooking enough to match the guy (Miss Rummelhart isn't sure if they're an item). She also might be slightly familiar...Miss Rummelhart eyes her for a second- has she seen her around? On TV, perhaps?

Abruptly, they're interrupted by Anna racing out of the classroom and launching herself at Barney Stinson By The Way.

"Uncle Barneeeey!" she squeals, hurling her arms around his neck.

"Hi, sweetheart," he says, picking her up and giving her a kiss, "How's it going?"

"Goo_oo_d,"

"D'you have a fun day?" he asks, shifting her onto his hip.

"Yeah. We designed chairs,"

"You designed chairs?" interjects Possibly-From-TV-Brunette.

"It's part of our art project," Anna explains.

"You ready to have the bestest weekend of all time?" he asks.

"We're family friends," explains Possibly-From-TV-Woman, "Their parents are in the Hamptons for the weekend,"

"Since you lot came along we've practically become professional babysitters," Barney tells Anna, tickling her.

"Anna, did you remember your lunchbox?" Miss Rummelhart asks, noticing that she isn't holding it.

"Oh, right! Pu'mme down, Uncle Barney,"

He dumps Anna onto the floor. Miss Rummelhart hears his knees crack.

"So Mr and Mrs Erikson are out of town?" she asks, making conversation.

"Yeah, it's their anniversary," Barney Stinson explains, leaning rakishly on the doorframe and gluing his eyes to hers again, "You're actually talking to the guy who legally married them. Chyah," he clicks his tongue and winks. Miss Rummelhart drags her eyes away from his away from his acute blue gaze, to see Possibly-TV-Woman looking bored, as if she is wearily used to this. "D'you know where her brother and sister's classroom are?" she interrupts.

"Daisy's is the second classroom round the far side of the building, but I'm not sure about the other ones',"Miss Rummelhart reports "Anna'll kno-"

The kid in question comes hurtling out of the doors again, grabbing hold of TV Woman's hand, "Are we gonna get pizza, Aunt Robin?"

"You know, I was thinking we should go out to dinner; eat a big plate of cabbage and sprouts. How does that sound?"

"_Eeww! _I want pizza!"

"I guess we _could _stop off in Eataly, if you really want to,"

Anna cheers, and is immediately dragging her across the playground. Barney Stinson does that intense eye-contact thing again, like he's really looking _into _her. He smirks and says slowly, "I'll see you later, Miss Rummelhart,"

He beams, throws her another wink, and dashes after Anna. Miss Rummelhart is left feeling confused, and rather flustered.

* * *

**Monday**

"She's exhausted today," Anna's Mom explains while Anna rubs her eyes tiredly, "We were away for our anniversary so the kids stayed with their godparents in Manhattan. Too much sugar and too little sleep,"

"Oh right, the godparents. They picked her up on Friday. They seemed nice,"

Anna's mom sighs wearily. "Did Barney pull his pick-up artist voodoo on you?"

"No! Well...a little. He's single then?"

"Oh God, not you too," Anna's mom mutters, "No no, they're married. Ten years almost. He just likes to give every girls he meets the eyes and the smile and the hey-babe-how's-it-going thing to satisfy his narcissism. You get used to it,"

"Right,"

"Anyway, they don't have kids so they see it as their responsibility to spoil ours rotten and let them do whatever they want. So you didn't sleep much Friday and Saturday night did you, baby?"

Anna yawns in reply.

"I kind of recognised the wife," Miss Rummelhart adds, "Is she an actress or something?"

"Close- news reporter. Does lots of the foreign reports for WWN,"

"Ah, that's where I've seen her before. D'you have a good anniversary?"

"Honestly, we mostly just slept," Anna's mom admits, "Watched TV, got a massage...enjoyed a whole weekend of peace and _quiet,"_

"Sounds lovely,"

Anna yawns again and Miss Rummelhart says, "Come on in then, you. It's nearly time for roll-call,"

Anna hugs her mother, lingering slightly longer than usual. "Bye, Mom,"

"Have a good day, baby. I'll see you later, love you,"

"Love you too, Mom!"


	27. Work Experience

Work Experience

_2028_

"You still talking to me?" Robin asks, breezing into the WWN Employee Eatery (it seems that 'canteen' or 'cafe' are too old-fashioned and boring-sounding these days).

"What am I, four years old?" Daisy snarks back, not looking up from her pasta,"S'fine, Aunt Robin. I just won't do anything or say anything or breathe, and then maybe I won't screw anything up,"

"I'm sorry I'm so grouchy, we're super-busy,"

"I never guessed. You want a list of everything I've done wrong for you the last three days?"

"Stop it, okay? I'm sorry I've been snapping at you. But this is a business, everybody here's a professional working to a deadline, and things have to be done properly,"

"I booked a cab wrong on Monday, then I spilt coffee, then I was on my phone too loudly-"

"Only one of those things was to do with me," Robin points out.

"-then I forgot where that meeting room was- we're on Tuesday now- then I didn't bring my purse when I should have-"

"You've made your point, Daisy,"

"I was actually looking forward to work experience here, but it's been shit so far,"

"Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. This is how work is, kid. Get used to it,"

"You're awesome, you know? Like, in my world you and Uncle Barney waltz in and buy us stuff and take us out to cool places. And here, you're like...stressy. You're not fun at work. You're _no fun _at work,"

"Yyyup. Welcome to the real world," Robin drawls. She senses that she isn't going to get much further with Daisy, so gets up from the table to walk away.

Daisy stabs a fork into her pasta, "The real world sucks."


	28. Cloudless

_Liar!_

_Good evening, dear Inspector,_

_Lovely evening, my dear._

_I know this man, my friends,_

_His name's Inspector Javert!_

_So don't believe a word he says_

_Cos none of it's true-_

_This only goes to show_

_What little people can do!_

-Little People, _Les Miserables_

Cloudless

_September 2027_

"I'll buy you one for your birthday if you like, buddy,"

"Really, Uncle Barney?" Luke asks, eyes wide.

"Course! You think I wouldn't let my favourite bro go without a motorbike?"

He rubs Luke's arm affectionately, "What's on the next page?"

It's a Saturday night and Barney and Robin are round chez Mosby. Luke is giving Barney an in-depth analysis of his collage book, which is full of photos he's cut out from newspapers and magazines, stuck in the book and annotated with his own labels, doodles and drawings. It's standard nine-year-old boy stuff- baseballers, footballers, cars, motorbikes, cowboys, cartoon characters, fire engines, animals, toys- but Luke is immensely proud of the ongoing project.

Penny is sitting on the floor watching them, and abruptly asks, "Can I talk to you outside for a second?"

Barney and Luke look up from the book. Penny's eying Barney seriously.

"Sure," he shrugs, "Gimme a sec, Lukebox,"

He nudges Luke off his legs and follows Penny out of the den. Once they're in the hall, Barney sits down on the third-to-bottom stair and pats the spot next to him for her to sit down beside him.

"What's up?" he asks sympathetically, pulling a face, "Is your dad being a pain agai-"

"You need to stop," Penny demands.

"Come again?"

She doesn't sit down beside him and remains standing. Above him, over him. Power. Penny folds her arms and Barney can't help but notice the buds protruding from her chest. She's growing up, and that scares him slightly. Barney shivers, feeling oddly intimidated.

"Stop telling Luke you're going to do something or buy him something when you're not," Penny says firmly, "He believes it, you know, and you're gonna let him down. I spent, like, five years thinking you were gonna get me a pony- and you didn't, and you're not gonna get Luke a motorbike. And it's not right that you promise us stuff when you don't mean it,"

Barney stares at her.

"Dad never even calls you out on it and Mom only tells you moral stuff and...Aunt Lily's the only person who tells you how much of a jerk you are but you. I think you think it's some big joke and people won't care because everybody _likes _you...I don't even know. Luke gets upset but then he forgets you're the one who let him down, it's so annoying. He's like Dad; he thinks you're so great, he hasn't worked out what you're like,"

Barney can't process all of this. He doesn't entirely grasp what she's saying, and all he can think is that he wishes Penny was crying. When kids cry you can shove a candy bar in their mouth and cuddle them and shush them 'til they shut up. Or, he wishes Penny was punching him- she's always been the sort of kid who hits when she's angry, even before that bad few months she had when Tracy was sick.

"What d'you mean, what I'm like?" he asks cluelessly. Penny's body changing as she grows up is scary (eugh, he feels sick even at the words 'her body changing') but this, this change where she sees through him and she's accusing him and she doesn't trust him- this is worse.

"You _know," _she shoots back, because Uncle Barney may act like an idiot sometimes but Penny knows he isn't. He's observant and prying and manipulative, and he thinks differently and three steps ahead of other people. "That you like...messing with people because...I don't even know, you think lying's fun. Mom says you're a patholo-whatsis, you believe what you say even if it isn't true- but come on, you shouldn't break your promises to kids. Everybody knows that. D'you know how many times I cried cos you didn't get me something you said you would? And it's the same with Luke only he doesn't realise. And Dad's...because he's in love with you or whatever he never says anything,"

"What?"

"Dad, he acts like he gets you; like he loves you but you're, like, exasperating him. But he_ doesn't get you_, he still thinks you're the coolest guy and you're there to come in and be funny. Dad and Luke, they're...smitten by you, something dumb like that. After, like, thirty years, Dad still doesn't get that you can actually really hurt people,"

"Oh, he gets it," Barney mumbles.

Penny was getting used to- and enjoying- him gaping and asking dumbfounded questions, so this response throws her.

"Well...not enough!" she splutters back, "'I'll buy you that' or 'I'll take you here' and you know you're not going to, you just like getting our hopes up so we think you're so fantastic, but really it's the opposite, it makes me think you're a fake and you get fun out of screwing with our heads. And one day Luke's gonna realise it too-"

"I do _not _get fun out of screwing with your heads!" he shouts back, "I don't screw with you heads; you're exaggerating and you know it. Stop making out like I'm some kind of sicko!"

Penny can tell that he wants her to hit him. Hitting's what little kids do when they don't know why their angry or they can't work out how to say it. Hitting's easy for the kid and the adult, but Penny isn't a little kid anymore, she knows why she's angry at him and she knows how to say it.

"Stop lying to us," she replies coldly.

Barney hates how she isn't shouting and he is. It makes him look like the baby, the pathetic one, the one of the defence. The one in the wrong.

"Actually, the lying isn't the worst; adults lie to kids about the Tooth Fairy and tonnes of stuff. Breaking your promises to us is way worse,"

"I'm not...I don't know what you're trying to tell me I am, but I'm not it. You're getting carried away," Barney answers scornfully. He's the adult, she's the kid, she's trying to wind him up and he's better than that. Because he doesn't lie to them...well, not seriously, anyway. When he says he'll do stuff or buy them things it's goofing around, right? They're all in on the joke.

Penny answers his thought. "Everyone thinks you're this big kid, but if you truly were you'd know that kids believe it when adults make promises. Especially if you're..." she winces, as if saying something nice about him is difficult, "Fun and cool, like we think you are most of the time, like Dad thinks you are,"

_Does _he mess them around on purpose? Does he like promising them stuff and not living up to it? Barney doesn't think he does. He loves them. But then again, he's world-class at hurting people he loves, isn't he? And he's king when it comes kidding himself about the reasons why he does things.

"I don't know how Aunt Robin puts up with it," Penny continues, interrupting the awkward silence (thank God she does, because Barney might have be pondering for hours), "Does she just roll her eyes like she does when you lie to _us?"_

"I don't lie to her,"

Penny snorts coldly. "Yeah, right,"

"I don't," he says sharply, looking her in the eye, "Haven't lied to her since our wedding day. Ask Ted if you don't believe me,"

"I think I will. Because I don't."

"I promised I'd always be honest with her and I've kept that, okay?" he snaps.

"Haven't you been listening?" Penny scoffs, because he thinks he's _their _best friend or whatever, and he still lies to them and lets them down, so he must be the same with Aunt Robin. Maybe he's even _more_ flaky and deceitful and unreliable with Aunt Robin, "You don't keep promises,"

"What would you know about my marriage?" Barney spits. If he thinks that's his ace card, however, it isn't.

"You think you're so close to us but you've got no idea about anything serious and how to...how to _be_ with _people, _and if you're the same to Aunt R-"

"Hey, what's up you two?" asks Ted, entering the hall cheerily from the kitchen clutching a tray of nachos. Noting that they're both looking rather fierce, he adds, "Pen, are you being nice?"

"See! See what I mean, it's always me first, it doesn't occur to him that the magical Uncle Barney is ever in the wrong!" Penny protests, talking to them both. This proves it exactly! Penny feels like the only person who can see through Uncle Barney. Sometimes Dad acts like he does, but he doesn't, he...

"What are you talking about?" Ted laughs, ruffling her hair, "Come into the den if you want nachos,"

He gives Barney a _what's up? Kids, eh? _glance, and elbows the den door open. Once he's gone, Barney smirks nastily. "Oh, I see. This is just about you and Ted. You're jealous cos I'm his best friend,"

"Yes, because everything's about you and how much everybody loves you," Penny snarks, and feels quite proud of this retort.

"Stop it," he growls through gritted teeth.

"You con us and then you say it isn't your fault," she accuses.

"I don't c-"

"You don't have to watch Luke get his hopes up and then be let down and then forget that you're the one who did it," Penny snarls, but firmly, because this a fact not an accusation, "Leave him alone and stop messing with him,"

She folds her arms again in a final sort of way, jutting her chin out. And Barney hates that what he thinks next is- _Thank God she doesn't know about my Mom lying to me. Thank God she hasn't said anything about when I was a kid and I always thought my dad would come back to me. _Because there was a long time when he wasn't so self-analytical and weak, when those thoughts wouldn't have occurred to him. Because if Penny were to say either of these things to him Barney would do what he's been wanting _her_ to do; start kicking stuff or start crying.

Penny isn't going to dash off to ensure that she gets the last word because again, that would make it look like she doubts that she's in the right. So she eyeballs him.

Barney grimaces, then turns on his heel and half-storms half-skulks into the kitchen. Later, he hopes that it looked like he couldn't be bothered having such a silly argument with her- but in truth, in the moment, he just needs to get away from her because of panic and powerlessness and the fear that Penny's one hundred per cent right in what she's saying.

They both know that he runs because he doesn't want to hear the truth.


	29. Nuggets De Poulet

**The previous chapter got mixed reviews, which is always exciting. But what's super-cool is that everybody who reviewed negatively explained specifically why that chapter didn't work for them- that's really helpful and encouraging, so thank you very much. (I will say this though- the 3 things I've ever written which have got the most negative reviews were the 3 which presented Barney in the most unsympathetic light). **

**Here's a new chapter!**

Nuggets De Poulet

_November 2027_

"OH MY GOD YOU CALL THAT A TACKLE?! MY GRANDMA COULD DO BETTER THAN THAT!"

"I thought your Grandma was dead, Aunt Robin?"

"Exactly! Come _on, _Donlan! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CALL THAT?!"

"Told ya she shouts," Marvin smirks to Anna.

"I thought Dad was into hockey, but Aunt Robin is _insane," _Anna replies. It's her first time watching ice-hockey at Madison Square with Marshall, Robin, Daisy and Marvin, and despite it not being a league match, it's proving to be somewhat of a baptism of fire regarding what Marshall has dubbed SHR, Scherbastky Hockey Rage.

"Two minutes to half time and they're throwing it away," Robin groans, "GET BACK UP THERE!"

"No, Brisbois needs to smack it through- yeah, yeah! Smash it!" Daisy adds, but the keeper deflects it, and the resulting goal-line scuffle lasts until the half-time whistle blows. _You Make My Dreams Come True _begins blasting out on the stadium speakers , and Robin sinks dejectedly into her seat as. "We need to get off to a better start in the second half, that was way to slow on the uptake, just wasted that first ten minutes,"

"They're better tactically," Marshall adds, "But we've got brute strength,"

"-And hockey's about brute strength," Daisy shrugs.

"You know better than that, Day- hockey's about sweep-checking in the defence line," Robin tells her sharply. Marshall is to Robin's left and Daisy has the seat to her right, next to Marvin and then Anna. Marvin jumps up to go to get burgers and drinks, but then stops abruptly, staring up at the big screen. Daisy's jaw drops. Anna yelps.

Marshall and Robin are on the Kiss-Cam.

The two of them look at each other in horror. Marshall looks genuinely revolted.

"Oh my God," Robin breathes.

"Keep calm and it'll go," Marshall mutters through his teeth, "Just wait,"

But now the camera's _on _them it seems an awfully long time to wait, squirming while the crowd (well, the crowd keeping an eye on the Kiss-Cam and not heading to the bar) whistle and cheer. Marshall is reminded horribly of waiting, stony-faced, for the last Skittle to fall from the pocket at that art event he and Lily went to years ago. After an extrucatingly long wait, Daisy takes initiative and leans over Robin to peck Marshall on the cheek.

"Aaw," comes the murmur across the stadium. Marshall ruffles Daisy's hair and then, thankfully, the camera cuts to somebody else.

"Thank Christ!" Robin breathes.

"Nice going, Daisy," Marshall congratulates, offering his hand for a high-five. Daisy exaggeratedly wipes her mouth with the back of her arm and cringes, "Ew," but returns his high-five. Marvin and Anna are just laughing.

"Dad looked like he was gonna cry!" Anna notes.

"You looked like you were gonna be sick," Marvin tells Robin.

"Well, _duh. _I mean your dad's great but _so _not my type," she shudders.

"Ditto," Marshall agrees counting it off on his fingers, "Too tall; doesn't believe in ghosts. Total manatee,"

They high-five.

"Dad, you got any money? Who else wants burgers?" Marshall asks.

"Me,"

"Yup,"

"Chicken nuggets,"

"Bacon burger, no-"

"Bacon burger, no tomato but drowned in ketchup, I've got it Anna. You know that's totally weird, right?"

"I like it," Anna shrugs.

"You like fake tomato but not real tomato. This is why America has obesity problems," says Marvin, despite the fact that his sister's skinny.

"You gonna need an extra pair of hands?" Robin asks.

"No," says Marvin, then thinks about it for a second, "Actually, yeah,"

They head up to the burger kiosk at the back of the stadium.

"Anna thinks you're insane," he tells her happily.

"Pierre Donlan's insane if he thinks he's going to start anywhere other than the bench in the next match," she growls. They join the back of the kiosk que, which is so long that they only just make it back to their seats by the time the second half starts. Burgers and chicken nuggets are passed out, and after one bite Anna's lips are covered in ketchup.

"What are you, four?" Daisy snarls at her, unimpressed.

"Give it a rest, you two," Marshall chides.

" Us _two?!" _Anna gasps, outraged, "I never sai-"

"Who are they subbing?" Marshall asks loudly, changing the subject. As the teams skate out, Daisy grumpily props her feet up on the seat in front of her. She looks on the verge of a sulk, so Robin jumps to her a feet and starts shouting again. Daisy stops looking so surly, and mutters a few additional words of admonishment to the players.

"SHR has its uses, then," Marshall notes.

**Thank you for your time :- )**


	30. Boys

**In my headcannon, Penny was born last week- Ted is finally a dad! **

**Hope you enjoy this chapter. **

Boys

_August 2031_

Barney drags the bag of weights out of his closet and zips it open.

"Here, try that one," he orders, passing the smallest dumbbell to Luke.

"I can do that easy, Uncle Barney," Luke scoffs, examining the weight.

"Yeah, well show me,"

Luke clutches the weight and moves it up and down vigorously a couple of times.

"No, _properly,_ jackass," Barney chides, "Hold your arm out like that- yeah- and then you bring it up to your shoulder, _all _the way, see?"

He bends Luke's elbow to demonstrate.

"You got a grip on it properly? Thumb along the back-

"Does it really matter where my _thumb _is on a dumbbell?"

"Fine- you wanna turn out a weed like Ted is, don't listen to my advice,"

"Alright, alright," Luke adjusts his thumb accordingly, and pumps the dumbbell, concentrating. "Happy?"

"That was three. Give me ten,"

"But it's easy,"

"Luke, d'you think Babe Ruth joined the Yankees after hitting his first baseball? No. You start easy and you warm up to the big weights. Now give me twenty on each arm,"

"One...two...three...four..."

When Luke's done, Barney instructs, "Twenty of them, each arm, morning and night,"

"With just that weight?"

"Yeah. It's all about the build-up. Use that one for a few weeks and I'll bring you the next weight up when I see your for your Mom's birthday. Now give me twenty sit-ups,"

Luke gets onto his back, hooks his feet in the gap between the wardrobe and the floor, and obediently begins sit ups. Predictably, Barney interrupts.

"Further forward. Head between your knees when you come up,"

"There's a dirty joke there somewhere," Luke mutters.

"Heh," Barney waits while Luke completes a few sit-ups, then asks, "So how's the new term?"

"It's good, but- like I was telling you in the phone- everyone's suddenly into gym and making out and stuff,"

"You're one year off high school, what d'you expect?"

"I guess. I'm not worried about it- Mom keeps talking about going at your own pace, and I _know_ that- I just don't wanna get left behind, you know? So like I said, I gotta bulk up. This kid Alex, he got so ripped over the Summer. And he only turned thirteen in May, and I'm fourteen in October. There's twenty,"

"Push-ups," Barney orders. Luke flips onto his front. "Proper ones, not Girly Push-Ups,"

"I know," Luke retorts, "I'm not five. Anyway, they're called Half Push-Ups,"

"Whatever. Seeing it's all kicking off- have you made out with anyone?"

"You sound like Mom," Luke groans.

"No, I'd sound like your Mom if I was telling you to write poems about kissing girls and I was telling you to use condoms. Which I am, obviously; Ted with grandchildren would be unbearable,"

"We're thirteen. Nobody's actually, like, had real sex,"

"Pfft, slow off the mark!" Barney scoffs.

"Sh't up. Dad told us you were like twenty-five when you first got any," Luke points out.

"Whatever," Barney answers, slightly wounded. He keeps forgetting that Ted spent last Summer telling Luke and Penny everybody's life story. He changes the subject. "Are you still doing drama?"

"Why d'you ask? You hated _Guys &amp; Dolls _last term,"

Barney briefly considers lying about this, but decides against it; "Fine, watching a bunch of prepubescent boy sopranos pretend they were the hardest gamblers in New York wasn't the greatest night of my life. And your version skipped all the sexy songs. _You _were a star, of course, but I don't wanna be sitting through a bunch of kids doing musicals when I could be watching it on Broadway,"

"Wasn't as bad as that play Aunt Lily was in though, was it?"

"What?"

"Like twenty years ago. Dad told us. Something to do with consumerism, and I think you got slapped at the end of it. Anyway, this term we're doing _Pygmalion_. Auditions are in a couple of weeks and I think I could get one of the big roles. Can I stop now, that must be more than twenty push-ups?"

"Yeah, you can stop. Twenty of them, and twenty sit-ups, every morning and every night when you do your weights. Start on twenty for a couple of weeks, than you can build up to thirty, forty, et cetera. You want a drink?"

"Sure,"

He follows him into the kitchen.

"You cool with Red Bull or d'you want a beer?" Barney asks.

Luke laughs, then realises that Uncle Barney isn't kidding.

"Uh...Red Bull, thanks," he mutters, then feels like a wuss. Barney tosses the can to him and Luke reckons that actually it's better to play it wussy and have a Red Bull than to come home to his parents smelling of booze. One day in the Summer he'd been hanging out with his friends in the park, and somebody had brought a few cans of some kind of sugary alcopop. Stupidly, Luke had left the empty can in his bag after he'd drunk it, and Mom when he got home Mom had found it. She was all I'm-not-angry-I-just-want-you-to-be-safe, which is the worst kind of trouble to be in with Mom.

"We just missed the soccer match on NBC," Barney mutters, scrolling through the TV listings on his phone, "It's only stupid hockey on now,"

"You still hate hockey? You've been married to Aunt Robin for however-long-it-is,"

"So? Hockey still sucks,"

"You can't even sit through one match?"

Barney considers. "I have been known to sit through the first half, if I know that I'm getting some kind of favour- the nature of which I shall not disclose- at half time,"

"Ugh, _don't. _I know you two, like, _do it, _but..." he shudders, grimacing, "I don't need to think about you and Aunt Robin..."

"Fucking?"

Luke shudders again, and thwacks him. Barney's noticed that Luke does this a lot; he's always wrestling with Ted, which is weird because 'wrestling' and 'Ted' don't belong in a sentence together. Penny had had a barbeque for her birthday in July which everybody had gone to, and Luke and his buddies were constantly jabbing and kicking and elbowing each other. Barney didn't much like being a teenager so he's blocked a lot of those unawesome years out, so he can't remember if hitting each other is a normal teenage boy thing. Probably is, he reckons. Although he isn't sure if he's supposed to thwack Luke back now. Barney decides not to, because he doesn't want to wrestle with him like Ted does- and also because honestly, Barney sometimes has irrational moments of wanting to hit Luke very hard- not as a joke, but to really _hurt_ him. He doesn't feel like that right now, but if they start play-scrapping Barney can see himself switching suddenly, and he isn't going to risk that.

"Whatever. My point is that hockey sucks. Here, you watch something you want," he says, tossing Luke the remote.

Luke squints as he switches the TV on, and flips through the channel, settling on WWE.

"Really?" Barney scoffs, twigging an unimpressed eyebrow.

"Yeah! It's exciting!"

"No robots, no point," Barney declares, crossing his arms.

"Duh. Everything's better with robots," Luke agrees.

"Things which are _not _better with robots- go!"

"Baths,"

"Alcohol. Can't have a robot as your drinking buddy,"

"Cross country runs,"

"Slime,"

"Being shit on by pigeons in Times Square. Hey, you think they'll ever make a robot to pick dog poop?"

"...apart from the drinking buddy, this is turning into a list of stuff which suits shouldn't be involved in," Barney notes, "D'you mean, like, a dog-poop-collecting _arm, _or a whole separate robot. Like a dog poop R2D2,"

"Yeah! Get ready world, the dog poop droid is the new invention of the thirties!" Luke cheers. They high-five happily.

"R2Dog-Poop,"

"Dude, this is gold. We need to get on this,"

"I'll give you ten percent profit,"

"No way. It was my idea and anyway, you've got tonnes of money. I can't even afford the new MarioKart game for X-Box,"

"Business, Luke,"

They half-plan half-bicker about the Dog Poop droid for a while, until the WWE starts to get heated and the wrestlers start moonsaulting and doing take-downs. They both wince as the wrestler Barney is supporting dumps the wrester Luke's supporting down on his head.

"Ooh,"

"Ach," Luke grimaces, rubbing the back of his own neck.

Luke's wrestler flails half-heartedly but doesn't get up, and Barney's guy is declared the winner.

"Pay up, loser," he demands, fluttering his fingers at Luke.

"I didn't bet,"

"Yeah you did,"

"You're nuts,"

"Well, I bet you for the next fight. Ten dollars," Barney demands, riffling inside his jacket for his wallet.

Luke considers. The rule is that if Uncle Barney asks you to bet with him, you refuse. For his own good, everybody says. But come on, there's no one here to tell Luke not to. It's only ten dollars- and then they'll stop, right?

Luke reaches out to shake his hand, when there's a knock at the door.

"Hello!" comes Tracey's voice.

"Mom?" answers Luke, as Barney frowns and gets up to open the door. Ted, Tracey and Penny pile into the apartment.

"What are you lot doing here?" Luke and Barney ask at the same time.

"Thanks, nice to see you too," Ted answers.

"We knew you'd forget that the trains stop running at five today, so we drove down to the city. Thought we could go out to dinner," Tracey adds.

"Why're you two looking so shifty?" Penny asks.

"No reason,"

"Nothing. Just hangin' out bro-style. Liftin' weights. Watchin' wreslin'," Barney says, ruffling Luke's hair hard.

"Dorks," frowns Penny.

"Shut up," Luke answers, and Barney takes the distraction of their bickering to hastily reclaim his wallet and stuff it back into his pocket.

"_Anyway," _Ted changes the subject from the teenagers sniping at one another, "We were gonna go out for dinner somewhere, maybe check if there's any last-minute theatre tickets,"

"Or see what's on at the Mercury Lounge!" Tracey adds excitedly.

"You're coming too," Ted tells Barney, "Unless you're busy,"

"He's gambling with a thirteen-year-old about wrestling," Penny drawls, "He ain't busy,"

"We're not gambling!" Luke protests. Barney winces, anticipating Penny's next line to be about the wallet and the sall-too-innocent look of their faces. However, she doesn't say anything- just eyeballs Luke and Barney knowingly.

"I'll grab those weights I was gonna give you," Barney mutters, stumbling hastily into the bedroom.

"Anything happening at home?" Luke asks bracingly.

"Nah, not really," Tracey answers, "The Brannings might need you to babysit on Thursday night,"

"I've got soccer on Thursday,"

"Not at half six you don't. That's when they need you, till about nine,"

"Oh. Sounds okay then,"

Barney reappears holding the dumbbell from earlier. "Twenty with each arm morning and evening, and press-ups, sit ups. Then you won't end up a twig-armed stick insect like your dad,"

"Make that a… branch-armed stag-beetle," Ted retorts.

"You three are so weird," Penny tells the boys.

"Alright , if we get going now there might be time for desert," says Tracey.

"Do I get to eat loads of ice-cream, Uncle Barney? Protein-loading or something?" Luke asks.

"Nah, ice-cream's got too much fat. Stick to eggs, fish-"

Ted snorts. "Like_ you_ actually commit to any kind of eating regime,"

"I do to!"

"We've all seen your freezerfull of ice-cream, Stinson,"

"Dad, Uncle Barney knows more than you do about bulking up. That's just a fact," Luke interjects.

Ted pulls a face at him.

"Let's _go,"_ Penny moans.

"Okay, okay," Ted retorts, holding his hands up.

"Exactly," says Tracey, "Team, out!"

**Thanks for reading, please review. I've got a busy August, so updates might be lacking over the next few weeks xx**


	31. Accomplices

Accomplices

_2029_

Robin receives an irritated phone call from Daisy around eleven in the morning, and by twelve the teenager is barging through the apartment door.

"Hey."

"Hi. What's up at home then?" Robin asks.

"Anna's getting on my nerves and Mom's fussing and Marvin's all 'Leave me alone because I need to revise'. He can be so pompous sometimes, that boy. I know he's your favourite but he's bugging me recently,"

"He isn't my favourite,"

Daisy gives her a knowing look.

"Well," says Robin slightly shiftily, "I mean, he's the oldest so…um. Anyway being married to Barney Stinson can give you a warped idea of pompousness, so perhaps I can't tell with Marvin,"

"Favourite," Daisy coughs, but lets it go and continues, "Whatever, I needed to get away for an afternoon." At fifteen, she's slim and very tall, executed by the fact that she's wearing black leggings, a long and baggy _Green Day American Idiot _t-shirt and a tight black denim jacket.

"Your parents and siblings are annoying you so you came to see your parents' best friends and your siblings' godparents?" Robin points out.

"You're _my_ godparents too. And there's this drama in my friendship group with Caitlin and Mitchell, bla bla bla. I wanna stay out of it so I didn't want to go hang out at any of my friends' houses,"

"Wanted to stay out of an argument? Sometimes I'd never believe that you're Lily Aldrin's daughter, you know,"

"Besides, I like hanging out with you. What you doing today?"

"Working from home,"

"But it's Saturday!"

"And I have a lot of reports to get written," Robin shrugs.

"I thought you two would be busy getting kicked out of art galleries or something,"

"We're not as crazy as you think we are,"

"Yeah you are,"

"Okay, sometimes. But I _do_ have a job to do, and an important one which requires a lot of hours tapping away at my laptop,"

"Well, sorry for interrupting," Daisy answers, not bothering to sound like she means it. She flops onto her back on the couch.

"Nah, it's cool. I need a couple of hours off," Aunt Robin replies, pushing the laptop away from herself. Daisy can't tell if Aunt Robin means it or is she's simply humouring her.

"Is that a new piercing?" Aunt Robin asks.

"Yeah! See," says Daisy happily, showing Robin the stud at the top of her right ear, "I wanna get scaffolding on my left one but Mom says not till I'm sixteen,"

"I'll take you to get it, if you want,"

"Like, _now?"_

"Well, I meant generally...but why not? Screw 'em, let's go get you scaffolding,"

She snaps the laptop shut firmly.

"You sure about this, Aunt Robin?"

"Course. _You _sure about this?"

"Sure," Daisy nods, then adds, "Think so,"

"We'll go up there, take a look, if you want you can get it, if not we'll grab lunch. Let's go play hooky,"

"It's a Saturday," Daisy can't help but point out.

"I have a report, you have homework, so this counts as playing hooky. Let's go,"

* * *

"You want this, then?"

"Sure. Now I'm here I'm going for it,"

"That's my girl,"

They go into the store and wait for a few minutes before being taken into the side booth, where Daisy sits down and the piercing lady opens a fresh needle and scaffolding bar.

"You want me to hold your hand?" Aunt Robin asks.

"I'm not six!" Daisy protests.

"Alright, alright. Your Mom nearly crushed my fingers when she was giving birth to Marvin,"

"I've had piercings done before, I don't need babying,"

Robin has never given much thought to scaffolding piercings, but in practise it looks rather gruesome and takes longer than a simple click of a piercing gun on an earlobe. She winces, but Daisy lives up to her bravado and doesn't flinch. Once it's done, the piercing lady swabs Daisy's ear again and hands her a sheet on instructions.

"D'you like it?" Robin asks while paying.

"Yeah. It's so cool, don't ya think? Feels all cold,"

"God, it looks red," Robin notes.

"Isn't the point of you that you're _not _my Mom?" Daisy retorts.

"That did sound kind of Lilyish, didn't it? Damn,"

Daisy half-laughs, half rolls her eyes.

"Your parents gonna be mad at me?" Robin asks cheerfully.

"Hmm...more mad at me than you, I think. But still not too mad," Daisy shrugs, "There's nothing they can do about it,"

They're out on the 5th Avenue sidewalk by now, passing stores and Starbuckses and tourists and office workers.

"So, dinner. Where d'you reckon?"

"Chinese!"

"You always want Chinese,"

"Yeah, cos I love it. Chinese food is, like, my _life,"_

"We're not too far from Don Chun Hong- you been there?"

"For someone's birthday party last year,"

"Great. It's um...32nd and 5th if I remember right,"

* * *

"When's your next match, then?"

"The nineteenth, up in Schenectady,"

"Are you gonna win?". Aunt Robin asks that a lot. It used to confuse Daisy, but now she gets it. It's different to 'Do you think you're gonna win?'- that's a confidence thing. 'Are you gonna win?' is about _how good_ the team actually is.

"I reckon. The team we're playing against are much lower in the league than we are. And then I've got an athletics meet the week afterwards,"

"For long-jump?"

"Yup, and four hundred hurdles. And I'm reserve for the four hundred flat. Actually Aunt Robin, I'm considering trying the heptathlon,"

"Woah. That's _hardcore,"_

"I know. Guess I'm not the queen of shotput, but long jump and hurdles are my best ones, eight hundred metres I'm good at. High jump's only a cross between long jump and hurdles, so I reckon I could learn to do it if we had a high-jump frame at school. What's the other one?...oh, right- javelin. That isn't my best but we don't do it much at school. And two hundred metres would be fine,"

"You know the best thing about your glittering high school athletics career, Daisy? That you understand metres,"

"Ha, right. Don't tell anybody but it's easier than feet and inches- like, feet has all these twelves in,"

"You don't need all those twelves in your life, Daisy. You just don't,"

"You know they make you learn your twelve times table in elementary school? What the hell is the point?"

"Barney's your Math guy, not me. Or Ted, I guess. Isn't architecture mathsy?"

Daisy shrugs. "I'll have to cover up the scaffolding for athletics, and Coach Beckmen makes us use a tonne of tape,"

"That's dumb,"

"Exactly! We're not six. But I'm not gonna stop getting piercings cos of sport-"

"-and it'd be pathetic if you quit sports cos you want piercings,"

"Right. So I'm stuck with the tape...no pun intended,"

That's when both meals arrive at the table. After they're done eating, Daisy relents that perhaps it's time to head back to Brooklyn.

"'Cha gonna do when you get home?"

"I'll bang the front door open, run upstairs to my room and listen to music for a couple of hours," Daisy explains with a shrug, "Hopefully nobody'll knock,"

"Lily's gonna knock,"

"Totally," Daisy says, pulling a face, "Well, I'll see you in a few weeks, I guess,"

"Yup. We had a good day, right?"

"Course. Thanks for the earring- once my friends at school stop arguing and breaking up with each other, they'll be _so _jealous,"

"Well, that's what we all want out of life, isn't it?"

"'Zactly. I'll see you later then,"

"Bye!"

**Thank you for reading. Hope everybody has had a nice Summer. **


	32. Upside-Down

_September 2019_

Upside-Down

"Challenge accepted!"

"You can't beat me. I'm the best at being upside-down,"

"Wanna bet, kid?"

"Beat you not bet you,"

"Woah, Mrs Worldplay in the house," Barney jokes, "You ready?"

"Yuh. One two three go!"

Barney and Daisy jump onto the monkey-bars and hang upside-down beside each other. Barney hasn't thought through that he's a lot taller than the five-year-old, and winces slightly as his head almost skims the soft tarmac floor of the kids' playground.

"We do this forever on the climbing frames at school," Daisy brags.

"Yeah, well I...your dad once tied me to a mechanical bull for three hours," (Alright, so that isn't particularly similar to hanging upside-down on monkey bars, but he reckons that, "Yeah, well I once was hanging from my sex swing by my foot for twenty minutes," isn't exactly an appropriate comeback).

"Dad holds me upside-down _all _the time,"

"I hold the world record for the most amount of inverted sit-ups. Heh, beat that, Erikson!"

Their one-upmanship is interrupted by a soccer ball sailing past, with seven-year-old Marvin in hot pursuit.

"What are you two doing?"

"Seeing who can hang upside-down the longest," Daisy explains.

"Oh. Daisy'll beat you," Marvin tells Barney bluntly.

"No she won't. I am the Master of the Possimpible, I'm-"

"Daisy once spent all of morning recess hanging on the climbing frame, she even beat Johnny, and he's so good at gymnastics,"

"Mmm-hmm," Daisy nods, tucking her pink t-shirt into her denim shorts to stop it slipping over her face.

"You found the ball, Marvin?" asks Lily's voice as she comes through the playground gate.

"It landed near the slide,"

"Barney, what are you doing?"

"Beating Daisy at being a bat_. Duh,"_

"Your face is so red, Uncle Barney!" Marvin observes happily.

"That vein on your forehead's really popping," Lily adds.

"Am_ I_ red?" Daisy asks.

"One time we were seeing who could hold their breath the most, and Harriet went _purple!" _interjects Marvin, thrilled.

"Anna went blue," Daisy remembers.

"She didn't go blue, sweetie, that's just what we called it when she fainted that time. She was fine, wasn't she? And you were such a sensible big sister, running to get Mommy," Lily praises.

"I was sensible too," Marvin reminds them, then adds proudly to Barney, "I am a s_oooo_-perb big brother,"

"Of course you are, honey. Now where's the ball?" Lily says, getting back on-topic.

"Oh yeah!" he chirps, and runs off to get it.

"They've been doing superlatives in school," Lily explains to Barney, "Superb's one of his favourites,"

"Su-wait for it- perb!" Barney cheers.

Daisy folds her arms and grins gummily at her Mom.

"Are you looking forward to pizza later?" Lily asks.

"YES! Pizza is the _best!"_

"Good job you're doing your hanging before dinner then, right?"

Daisy shrugs, "I do it at lunchtime right after I eat, I don't mind,"

"Sweetie, you gotta let your food go down before you do any kind of games, you don't want to make yourself barf,"

"I never barf. I'm like Uncle Ted!"

On cue, Barney starts spluttering.

"You alright?" Lily asks.

"I'm awesome," he answers.

"You look like you're struggling, Barney,"

"Struggling? This is called _winning,"_

"Barney Stinson's Charlie Sheen moment number four thousand and twenty-two," Lily mocks.

"Beating you!" sing-songs Daisy.

Barney coughs again, as Marvin trots back over kicking the soccer ball. He boots it at Lily, who traps it with her foot.

"No soccer in the playground, remember?"

She hands him the soccer ball, and at seven years old, Marvin has enough self-control to keep a hold on it and not start kicking it again.

"I kind of feel like I should adjudicate," Lily muses, "Stop either of you two hurting yourselves,"

"I won't hurt myself!" Daisy retorts indignantly.

"Lily, we'll be fine. I'm an adult; I can participate _and _adjudicate. Chyeah," he smirks cockily.

"If you say so..." Lily sighs, "Come on Marvin, I'll be in goal this time,"

Marvin scampers out of the playground and Lily follows. By the time everyone's hungry enough to leave the park to get pizza, Daisy and Barney are still both upside-down and still bickering with each other, so the contest is declared a tie.

(Barney has a dizzying headache for the rest of the day, but he doesn't tell them that).


	33. Dark Hair

Dark Hair

The truth is that you were never going to have Barney Stinson's baby. That baby would have been a mistake, like that night together was. (Ted might say something about it being destiny and part of bringing you and Barney together in the end- but for you it's always felt like an awful mistake, which you made a thousand times worse). Neither you nor Barney had been thinking; Kevin, Nora, cheating, using protection- none of it had occurred to you as you made out in the back of the taxi and dragged each other into his apartment, his bed. You'd loved him and wanted him so much that nothing else mattered apart from kissing and touching and loving each other. That night had been about a lot of things, but a baby certainly wasn't one of them, and if you had been pregnant you wouldn't have kept it. The subsequent revelation that you _couldn't_ have kids was a whole new can of worms; ironically, the fact that you were not definitely not able to children made you seriously imagine the son and daughter you were not going to have. It was safe to imagine them then, because you knew and were mutedly glad that they weren't real; were never going to be.

But those melancholy few days was the_ second_ time you seriously thought about children. The first was years beforehand, before you knew that it was a physical impossibility. Squashed on the couch in your Brooklyn apartment, making out desperately.

_"Say we had kids- they wouldn't have to grow up in some suburb somewhere. They could grow up on the road, having adventures with us-think of all the Hard Rock Cafe T-shirts they could collect!"_

_"Ted, you know that kids were never a part of my plan...but if I was going to have someone's babies….I'd have your babies,"_

Ted's babies. You had agreed to wanting to have Ted Mosby's offspring. You have never, and will never feel that about Barney (because having one Stinson in your life is enough trouble, and you're not going to unleash a smaller, louder, more irritating, more hyperactive, more boundary-pushing version into the world). Having Ted's babies hadn't seemed terrifying. It hadn't seemed _wonderful, _but in that moment you did kind of want them. Theoretically. In the future; some unspecified hypothetical future. But then...

_"Mmm-wait, wait, wait, we don't wanna start having babies right this second. D- d'you have a-?"_

_"No I don't,"_

_ "Ah. We-ah, we probably shouldn't,"_

_"Yeah…"_

_"…..Risk it?"_

_"Risk it,"_

You'd risked it. Ten seconds earlier you'd wanted Ted's hypothetical kids in a hypothetical future (wait, hadn't that been his line once?), but now you were faced with that future being immediate, and very real. And you'd risked it. That night with Barney you hadn't been thinking. This night with Ted, you had been. Sure, you'd been over-emotional and turned-on already and desperate to hold your relationship together- but you both paused for a second, thought, agreed you shouldn't, and then you (_you_, not Ted) suggested risking it anyway, and Ted agreed. Risk getting pregnant, having a kid, becoming a mother. For all you knew then, on the couch in the Brooklyn apartment, your dress hiked up and Ted on top of you, you could have been getting pregnant with his kid.

And now, Ted Mosby_ has_ kids. The only kids you've ever seen yourself agreeing to want. The closest anything has ever been to being your child. The closest anything has ever been to making you a mother. And they _actually exist._ It's bizarre and spooky. Of course, the night you and Ted risked it you couldn't have gotten pregnant, and the Mosby children are half McConnell not half Scherbatsky, and you are not their mother. But they are still Ted's children, which means they're the only children you've ever seen yourself wanting, and there's the lingering aura of 'could have been'.

Could could could. That's the word here. They_ aren't_ your kids, you're_ not_ their Mom, this _isn't_ your life, you _didn't_ get knocked up the night you risked it. Of course you're glad that things when that way, because living in an apartment in Manhattan with no children and a dog is what you always wanted and it's the reality you miraculously ended up with (not to mention the smokin' hot, waggish, quick-witted and exceptional-in-bed husband you scored to boot), which is perhaps why the 'could have' feeling is so strange.

What doesn't help is that Luke and Penny have dark hair. Ted and Tracy's dark hair, obviously, but also yours. When Penny's dashing in and out of rooms you'll glimpse a whip of straight dark hair; a ghostly reminder of the 'could have been'. It sets you off thinking about Tracy stroking Penny's hair when she's sick and French-plating it for school and dousing in hairspray for discos, and how that could have been you. Ruffling Luke's hair and picking grass out of it after football matches and rinsing gel out (why do all nine-year-old boys go through a hair-gel phase?). The thought of being Penny's mom; having a daughter, seems more frightening than having a son. Possibly because you didn't grow up with a brother so you're experience of little boys is almost null, or perhaps because you suspect a girl would be more emotional and complicated, which would be an unhelpful addition to the already impossible-sounding task of parenting and being responsible for any kind of little brat in the first place. A boy would be physically exhausting, but a girl would be physically _and _emotionally exhausting- and you have enough physical and emotional exhaustion dealing with Barney on a day-to-day basis, let alone a kid as well. The thought of being Luke's mom is silly; the idea of being Penny's mom seems incomprehensible. That's why the glimpses or her dark hair make you feel so peculiar; incomprehensible but 'could be' yours. Your daughter, your kids, your life.

It isn't, but for one moment many years ago, it could have been.

**Thank you for reading. This chapter didn't 100% go like I wanted it to, so I'd be interested to see what you thought of it. **

**The next chapter will be M-rated for angst and mentions of violence, so feel free to skip it if that's not your sort of thing. **


	34. The Changeling Boy

**WARNING: This M-rated chapter includes angst, swearing, depiction of self-induced vomiting, and mention of imagined violence towards a child.**

**If you've been paying attention, you might have noticed that it's implied throughout this fic that Barney has moments of wanting to give Luke a bit of a kicking. **

**Going from the quotes below, and what we know of Barney's self-importance, obsession with Ted and abandonment issues, I think that this chapter in-character for him.**

_"Why? Why do you need me?"_

_ "Because you're my best friend, alright!? You don't have to tell me I'm yours,"_

-1.03, _The Sweet Taste Of Liberty_

_"Fine, you guys can have a baby, but only under these conditions. One: Love me more than the baby…"_

_-_5.21, _Robots Versus Wrestlers_

_"I thought I was your best friend!? Ted, say I'm your best friend!"_

-1.01, _Pilot_

The Changeling Boy

You never do anything. Okay? That's the most important point- that you never lay a finger on him; on any of those kids. You're no saint, but you don't go around beating up children. Okay?

You were excited that Ted was having a boy. Three girls in a row was super-cool, but Marvin needed a wingman and you wanted to start buying baby suits again. So when Ted called to tell you Tracy was expecting a boy, you couldn't have been happier. The kid was born in the Autumn- in Farhampton of all places, because Ted and Tracy had been staying there for a weekend in the Inn (_your_ Inn, as you still think of it). The baby came late on Saturday night; the family came home on the Monday, and you and Robin met the baby for the first time on the Wednesday. Characteristically, Ted and Tracy had planned names and, characteristically, they'd also wanted to "get to know the baby" before they decided which one. By Wednesday, the baby boy had proved himself not to be a Frederick or an Oscar (the other names on Ted and Tracy's shortlist) but a Luke. And so you and Robin headed up to Westchester to meet Luke Jack Inishmore Mosby.

Fifth time around being introduced to one of the gang's babies, you were a pro. You knew that the baby wouldn't look like either of its parents (all babies look the same), but you'd say, "Looks like its dad, poor kid," anyway, because you always did. You'd hold its little warm body, kiss its fuzzy head, stroke its tiny brittle hand and smile when it grabbed your finger (you've always loved how babies do that). You'd nag them to let you chose a better middle name ("Luke Challenge Accepted Mosby, come on, Ted!"), promise to teach it how to live, feel freaked out the baby had been _inside _Tracy for nine months, let alone been born out of her hoo-ha. And then of course the baby would start crying, and its parents would be exhausted, and you'd tell them you'd see them soon, and when you were outside you'd look at Robin and thank every single one of those gods you don't believe in that she's never going to look as puffy and exhausted as a new mom, and you'd light yourself a celebratory Not-A-Father's Day cigar for yourself. Yeah, that's how it always went.

You don't remember the moment when you start to hate him.

Perhaps it was the nicknames. Since when he was a baby, Luke's been Ted's "bro", "buddy", "dude", "pal" and it makes you chilly. You call him all those nicknames as well, but hearing Ted do it is strange. _He's your son, not your buddy, _you want to say; _Luke isn't your bro, _I'm_ your bro._

You notice that Ted puts his arm around Luke, or punches him gently on the arm or the cheek. When Luke was a baby he'd stretch his arms out for Ted to hold him, and when he was a toddler he'd endlessly demand "Daddy! Throw me!". Ted would hurl him in the air and Luke would laugh and laugh. By that age they'd developed little in-jokes together as well, and boy did that sting. "Daddy, do elephant!". "Who are you gonna play for when you grow up, Luke?" "Cleeland Cuvulers!". "One two three….ASARAGUS!". The number of in-jokes, private games and anecdotes only have increased as Luke got older, and it hurts more and more. "Dad, tell Uncle Barney what happened on vacation with the lobsters!" "What would you say to a chocolate ice-cream, Luke?" "Hello strawberry ice-cream,". "Dad says that _Empire Strikes Back_ is the best one". Ted's Facebook used to be full of photos of you and him; in the apartment; in MacLaren's; at parties; messing about together. But now it's pictures of Luke, Luke and Penny, Luke and Ted, all four of them, looking so Goddamn happy and cosy and loving.

He's always busy with the kids; too busy for you anymore. You'd drop anything for Ted, and once he'd have done the same for you. But nowadays he's always pre-occupied with school plays, clarinet practice, karate class, Cub camp. One evening- the first time in _ages_ that you've managed to get both Marshall and Ted out for a bro's night- you're hanging out in MacLaren's when Ted gets a phone call. You know three seconds in that something's wrong, and you wince when you hear him say, "Yeah, I'll pick him up. Shit, I'll have to catch a train back...". When he hangs up he explains, "Sorry- Luke just barfed at his friend's sleepover, I gotta go fetch him,"

"Poor kid, is he okay?" asks Marshall.

"He'll be fine. Just wanna take him home,"

"Jesus, Ted, how many more things is your kid fucking allergic to?" you snap.

Ted and Marshall turn at you sharply, looking wounded and confused. There's an uncomfortable pause before Ted says quietly, "He'll have overexcited himself, that's all". Without making eye contact with you, he picks up his coat, drops some cash on the table, mumbles a goodbye and leaves.

"What was that about?" Marshall asks, giving you a peculiar look as the MacLaren's door swings shut behind Ted.

"Nothing," you scoff dismissively, "I'm only saying, don't you think Ted gets bored of his kid spewing all the time?"

Marshall ignores this remark and asks seriously, "Are you okay?"

"I'm awesome," you brag, and change the subject, although when Marshall heads home a couple of hours later, you head straight to the bar and order yourself a row of shots. There's a trainee barman in tonight, so you don't have to answer any of Doug's questions or come under Carl's disapproving gee-I-bet-he's-dome-something-to-piss-Robin-off-again-I-knew-he-could-never-manage-monogamy gaze. You order a gin, and then another; feel them swirl in your stomach with the shots, and with the two scotches and the beer you've already drunk with Marshall. Shoving a fifty at the barman (Carl may be a bastard about your marriage at times, but at least he'd have let you off paying for those last couple of gins), you stagger out onto the street. It's gone midnight but there are groups of people around; young people, buddies, gangs of friends who hang out together every night in the same bar. If you were an aggressive type of drunk you'd snarl at them that, "This doesn't last! Things change! Your pal will have kids and then it's bye-bye drinking buddies! Just you wait till you're forty!" but as it is, you keep your head down and try not to look. You wander, searching for a store, eventually finding a cramped and crumbling 24-hour supermarket. You're too drunk to read the label of the bottle you buy there, and you don't care what it tastes like. Whatever it is, it does the job because not long afterwards you're stumbling into an alleyway, retching.

You fumble for your cell, manage to call Ted, and shout down the phone to him. "Ted! Ted I'm throwing up! Ted, I'm- puking, I'm...are you gonna pick me up?"

"What?"

_"Ted I've thrown up you need to come fetch me!"_

"Where are you? Call a cab, yeah? Barney, you're drunk, you need to get yourself home. Okay? Call a cab, call Rob-"

"TED YOU NEED TO COME GET ME!"

And then you pass out.

It's almost light when you wake up; slumped on the ground beside a reeking puddle of your dried vomit. Your body's cold and achy, and your head's killing.

And Ted isn't there.

* * *

Not long after you and Ted met her, Robin observed that you were "kind of obsessed" with Ted, and perhaps you've always known that. You_ believed_ that Bob Barker was your father but you _knew, _in the faint and ignored thoughts in the back of your brain that he wasn't. It's like that with Ted- you_ believe_ that you're needed to teach him how to live and lighten up his humdrum life of bridge-design and masturbation with your awesomeness. But you _know _that in truth you're clinging to Ted. Have been since the moment you met. For some reason that dweeby Jimmy Fallon lookalike has a hold on you. You need him to like you, love you, pay attention to you. You elbowed your way into being his best friend and you were desperate for him to know that. You would correct him when he claimed that his best friend was Marshall, because you were certain that it was really you (come on, Marshall's lame enough for his best friend to be Lily). But now you're certain that _Luke_ is Ted's best friend. Ted's best friend, Ted's favourite bro, the guy Ted spends more time with than any other dude. Luke is Ted's best friend. _That's_ why you hate him.

Okay okay, let's not get melodramatic. Seeing Ted and Luke together isn't a constant torture for you. You don't hate the kid_ all_ the time- not even_ most_ of the time. If you had to put a number on it you'd say ninety-five percent of the time, when you're just hanging out with Ted or tickling Luke or playing with them both, you don't notice how the two of them interact. Or if you do notice you shrug and think 'Well, that's cute'. And of course you're in on their friendship too, and of course you like hanging out with the kid on your own. He's sharp and witty, and he has a bit of a rebellious streak in him which you thoroughly approve of. Yeah, ninety-five per cent of the time it's all cool.

But then there's the five percent. Ted'll use a pet-name, or they'll do one of their little in-jokes, or he'll give Luke some stupid Goddamn look of love or some bullshit like that, a look he's never given you- and it lights something inside you. You feel _mad;_ burning and taught, and you want to hurt Luke so,_ so_ hard. It's the same when Ted cancels on you for Luke or when Luke complains that Daddy does something better than you do (and least those times your fury makes some kind of sense, unlike the way you flare up at a loving glance or a nickname). You remember the last time you ruffled Luke's hair and you imagine yourself yanking it. You remember the last time you held his hand and imagine twisting his fingers backwards. You remember the last time you hugged him and imagine shaking him and pinning him to the floor. You remember the last time you tickled him and you imagine hitting and punching and pummelling him.

In reality, what you do is get away from the kid as fast as you can. You know you've got a temper on you, but you've always been good at dealing with it- by which you mean that you damage objects instead of people. Even if you were the worst guy in the world at dealing with anger, you still wouldn't hit a kid. You are not a psycho and you are not an abuser. _You never do anything, _and that is the most important thing.

You excuse yourself, separate yourself from Luke and preferably from Ted too, and then you punch something. If you're at home you pummel your bedroom wall, or throw your shampoos off the bathroom shelf and smash your aftershave bottles. If you're feeling really mad, you run down to the lobby and unlock the secret store cupboard you have there. You take out a TV and smash it on the floor. (You've been keeping a supply ever since the 2008 Friends With Benefits Crisis). Of course, you're not always _at_ home when Ted or Luke do something to make you flare up, so if you're at Ted's house you go into the garden and you kick part of the fence down (the bit behind Tracey's beloved rosebush, so that nobody notices. Although to be honest sometimes you give the rosebush a bash too). If you're out at the park or the zoo or a fayre you find the nearest bathroom and batter a door. Worst case scenario you hurl your keys as far as you can, and when Ted gives you a questioning look you stonily say that you dropped them.

That's how you deal with it, and honestly it works. You do your smashing, kicking or wall-punching, you steady yourself and then you come back to Ted and Luke (and the others, if they're there) and you're crazy funny Uncle Barney again, and you don't hate the kid anymore.

You don't tell anybody about how you feel, obviously. It's those secrets you hide deep inside you and never tell anybody. Well, it's supposed to be, until one night a combination of booze and the chick you're utterly head-over-heals for make you blab your secret out. You make a screw-up at work and get yelled at badly, so when you reach home in the evening you yank your tie off and open a bottle of red wine. You're lying on your back on the couch, sleepily drinking glass number four, when Ted texts. _Making a mess! _it reads, and there's a photo of Ted and Luke in the kitchen together, covered in flour and beaming. Ted's arm is around Luke's shoulder. You know in your head that it's cute and silly and Ted's sent it to you because he does that often and usually you like the photos- but this time it makes you feel miserable. Their goofy smiles seem like nasty smirks, their laughter's saying, 'Hey Barney, see how much fun we're having without you. See how happy we are without you. See how Ted doesn't need you anymore because he's got Luke'. When Robin gets home (she's been working late, as usual) she finds you sprawled on the couch; forlorn and a teensy bit tearful. Usually you'd brush it off when she asks what's up, but the wine's getting to you so you're feeling sorry for yourself. You show her the photo and blurt out how you feel; how you've been feeling for years. Except the words don't come right; you sound stupid and petty. Robin replies that duh, of course Ted loves Luke more than anybody because he's his _son_, and that you'd be heartbroken if your Mom loved any of your friends more than she loves you. You know that Robin's right, you know that you're supposed to feel better when she leans you against her shoulder, rubs your chest, smooths your hair, drops kisses onto your face and tells you that it doesn't matter because you've got her. But the truth is that however much Robin loves you is irrelevant ; you'd be feeling this way about Luke if you weren't married, if you'd never met Robin. It's a guy thing, a _bro _thing, and the love of a woman is no consolation to your best bro finding a guy he loves more than you. Eventually, Robin goes to bed and tells you that you should too. As she leaves you reflect that Lily's always liked to give you comfort and advice; perhaps you should call _her_...but Lily's also a parent, who'll doubtless feel the same about her kids as Ted does. She won't understand either. Nobody will understand, because the whole thing seems pathetic. Perhaps it _is _pathetic, but it's how you feel and it _hurts,_ and now suddenly you're not feeling sorry for yourself, you're feeling furious. _God_\- you think, hurling an empty wine glass at the wall to smash it- _damn- _another glass, smash- _fucking- _smash-_hurts._ You throw your phone at the wall to smash the screen, so you never have to see that Goddamn photo ever again.

* * *

In conclusion (haha, what is this, middle school?), you love Luke Mosby. And you _never do anything _to him. Ever. And ninety-five per cent of the time he and Ted are cute together, and it's all good. And five per cent of the time, you want to hold the kid against the floor and punch him, kick him, scratch him, yank his hair, twist his fingers and batter him, batter him, batter him.


	35. Bolster

Bolster

_2017_

"You really haven't done this before?"

"Marvin was the first baby I ever held, you were in Italy when Daisy was tiny, and Ted and Tracy aren't as bothered about making me hold babies as you are. Plus they were kind of weird about who was holding Penny when she was just born,"

"This is Gang Baby Number Four; you gotta learn to feed her. Go on, take her...there you go,"

"Lily-"

"Bottle-feeding a baby is a life skill, Robin,"

"Is it though? Is it really?"

"Ah-ah, don't try to get out of this. Take the bottle-"

"Right,"

"No, take the baby,"

"Okay, okay. Can I sit down?"

"Yeah. It's better if you do, probably,"

"Probably,"

"Now take Anna...got her?"

"She's- wriggling. Hello, pal, can you stay still for a moment...? Shhh. Yeah. Yeah, okay, good girl. Keep that up,"

"So there's the bottle, and you gotta tip it upwards and- that's kinda it...no, you gotta tip it at more of an angle. Shove it in, she won't mind,"

"...oh my God, Lily. Oh my God, I'm feeding her. I'm _feeding_ _a baby,"_

"You got it, girl!"

"...aaw, she's gurgling,"

"Did you just 'aaw'? Did you, Robin Scherbatsky, just 'aaw' at a gurgling baby?"

"Pssht, n-"

"Keep tipping it, she wants more,"

"How the hell can you tell that?"

"That's what the gurgling means. It'll stop her wriggling too,"

"You're bullshitting,"

"Robin, which one of us is raising her third child? Trust me, I know my gurgles,"

"_Know Your Gurgles! Hosted by Marshall Erikson, coming soon to NBC!"_

"Don't give him ideas. He used to record Marvin's cries so he could learn which was which,"

"Seriously?"

"Yup. To give him his credit, he actually got pretty good at it. Did the same in Italy when Daisy was born, but it's more busy when you have two, and now we have three, well-"

"You're passing your baby off to me to feed. Woah, she's shifting again,"

"We're outnumbered by 'em now, we gotta start calling in the cavalry...not that this isn't about giving you a chance to learn to feed a baby and not just giving my arms a break,"

"As long as you're not asking me to breastfeed her. These gals are reserved; Barney Stinson only...oh God, don't tell him I said that,"

"You keep quiet to Marshall about the Gurgle Gameshow; I keep quiet to Barney about your boobs seemingly being a reserved parking-space for his face,"

"Deal. Is Anna done yet?"

"Look at the bottle,"

"...I'm looking at it,"

"Is it empty?"

"No,"

"Well then ya keep going,"

"She has to _finish _this thing?! That'll take all day!"

"She's only got a small mouth, she can't gulp it all down at once,"

"So Marvin eats too fast and Anna eats too slow?

"Basically,"

"She really has to finish the bottle? It's formula milk, not free wine,"

"She usually does,"

"Oh, wonderful,"

"You just wait, Scherbatsky. You gotta burp her next..."

**Thanks for reading ****J**

**PS- I worked super-hard on the previous chapter but there were some problems uploading, so if you missed it please go have a read and review! Thank you xx**


	36. Discussions

Discussions

_September 2032_

The elevator has a mirrored wall, and Anna studies at her reflection in it, wiping her eyes and arranging her features to look less distraught. Deep breaths, as Aunt Tracy would say. One...two...three. Anna concentrates very hard on trying not to let tears leak out of her eyes again. By the time the elevator stops, she reckons that she looks more steady and controlled. She walks down the corridor and knocks on the apartment door.

"Hey- oh God, are you alright?". Aunt Robin's expressions jumps from welcoming to alarmed. _So much for steady and controlled, _Anna thinks to herself.

"Yeah, I...sorry for barging in but- could I come in, I...I just got broken up with,"

"Oh. Sorry," Aunt Robin answers awkwardly, "D'you want a- no, you know what, let's leave hugging for the moment. Go into the kitchen, lean with your back against the refrigerator and slide dramatically down it like you're in a teen movie. Got it?"

Anna raises a smile and obediently walks into the kitchen and does a teen-movie fridge-slide, crumping onto the floor.

"...That did feel dramatic," she concedes.

"Now you need to open the freezer, take out a tub of ice-cream and a spoon, and bring them over here,"

Anna does so (Ben &amp; Jerry's Utter Peanut Butter Clutter) and collapses on the sofa. Aunt Robin pus her arm around her.

"You wanna talk about it? Or d'you wanna eat ice cream and cry? Or gun range! Gun range _always _works. Or we could key his car? Wait, he won't have a car…"

"He...he just _did it, _he ended it like _bam, _bye," Anna repeats, ignoring Aunt Robin's revenge suggestions.

"Jerk,"

"Exactly! Okay, I'll tell you the whole thing: We were getting on totally fine and everything, and nothing was up. Like, this is school _on Friday! _And yesterday evening he texts like 'Hey, wanna meet me in Central Park tomorrow' and I'm like 'Sure',"

"Sure,"

"And then I got there today and we walk round for a while, and then he's like 'Err, I need to tell you something; I don't think this is working'"

"He used _that _line? Poor show, Frank,"

"His name's Hank,"

"A guy who uses a line that cheesy does not deserve to have his name remembered,"

"And he goes 'I think we should split up um I'll see you in school'. Like that. And I - you'll be disappointed in me, Aunt Robin- I ran. I was like 'Fine' and I ran cos I knew I was gonna cry, and then I...I came here. I mean, it seemed okay because you're close to the Park-"

"Hey, this apartment is _always_ open for you when you need ice-cream. And when you need to be told that a guy is a total loser,"

"Loser, right," Anna sniffs. Robin feels like it's safe enough to withdraw her arm- but then Anna's face crumples Lilyishly, and she wails, "But _why? _He changed his mind over Saturday! Who does that?"

"Boys. Boys are nuts. Boys are dumb," the door from the bedroom clatters open and Uncle Barney's voice calls, "What's up?"

"Speak of the devil," Robin mutters.

"Anna! How's my favourite redhead doing?" Uncle Barney announces, waltzing in, "Okay, second favourite, behind the chick from _Mad Men_," he kneels behind the couch and leans over the back of it to dollop a wet kiss on Anna's cheek, "What was her name, Robin? The_ Mad Men _girl? Jesus _Christ, _she was so hot. She could make a blind man say 'damn', she could turn a g-"

"What the heck's _Man Men_?" Anna interrupts.

"It was this super-cool TV show like twenty years ago. Your dad loved it, he got me into it. It was dudes in suits and drinking scotches and- ah, it was basically everything I love in one mega-badass TV show. Oh, that reminds me- _Homeland. _The _Homeland _dude is my second-favourite ginger. He was mega-_mega-_badass-"

Aunt Robin clears her throat.

"But I digress," Uncle Barney catches himself, "What's up, Anna Banana?"

"I...my boyfriend split up with me,"

_"__Whaaat?"_

"He asked me to meet him in Central Park, and we wandered round and I could tell something was up and then he was like 'I don't think this is working'...". She feels her lip wobble.

"Well I hated him," Uncle Barney expostulates viciously, "When I met him-"

"-we never met him-"Aunt Robin interrupts.

"-I thought he was such a jackass, with his stupid...everything! Everything about that boy was stupid, and you're way better off without him because he was _bringing you down_! You wanna go throw a brick through his window? Or we could revive my classic exploding sub...ooh, I bet I could persuade the guys at work to let me hack his bank account!

"I suggested keying his car, but it'll have to be his bike,"

"I'm taking take the dog for a walk; bet I could collect some turds to mail to him. How's that sound?". His tone is soft, caring and entirely in earnest.

"I don't hate him that much," Anna protests, "I don't even hate him. I..."

She feels on the verge of tears, and helpfully Aunt Robin jabs Uncle Barney towards the door. He grabs the leash and his key, whistles for the dog, and heads out.

"Text me if you change your mind!" he adds, as the door closes.

"Where were we?" Aunt Robin asks, getting back on track.

"Boys are dumb,"

"Right. Boys are super dumb, as my husband proves every day. Boys at fifteen are extra super stupid and clueless and dumb- as my husband proves every day, because let's face it, he's basically still fifteen," (Anna considers pointing out that Aunt Robin had been as excited about overboard revenge plans as Uncle Barney had been), "Frank probably got confused or stressed or he had some boy-type freak-out. They're all like that,"

"Hurts though," Anna says in a muffled voice.

"Why else do you think this was invented?" Aunt Robin says, tapping the ice-cream tub, "Ice-cream, gun range, ten thousand drinks, and you're sorted,"

"That's really your break-up advice?"

"Worked for me every time," she shrugs, "Besides, remember that your Mom is my best friend and I've never known her to split up with anybody. I don't have lots of experience dealing with other girl's break-ups,"

"You lived with Uncle Ted," Anna points out.

"Eh, good point. What about Marvin and Daisy? They must have split up with somebody at some point,"

"Um, Daisy was allegedly dating this Derek guy in her grade, but I don't know- she wouldn't ever tell me anyway- and if they were a thing I don't think they are anymore. Marvin was dating someone at college, but he's mostly more interested in birth-rate population densities and basketball than in boyfriends. So yeah, neither of them are gonna be much comfort,"

"You know who we need? New York's heart-breaking expert,"

"Uncle Barney just left," Anna points out.

"No, not him. Who gets through boyfriends about as fast as I get through a plate of hot poutine?"

"...Penny!"

"Exactly. Obviously mostly she's the one who _does _the heart-breaking, but-"

Anna's already got her phone out and calling her cousin on Skype. After a few rings, Penny's face pops up onscreen.

"Hey, Anna,"

"Hi, Pen. What's up?"

"Schoolwork. Studying," Penny shrugs unenthusiastically, "I'm at a party later so I need to get my revision done by- oh, hi Aunt Robin. I thought that was your couch,"

"Anna's boyfriend split up with her,"

"Frank? Aw, sad times. Sad times, dude," Penny commiserates.

"Hank,"

"Hank, whatever. When did this happen?"

"Like, half an hour ago,"

"Woah, fresh wound. What happened?"

"Fine at school on Friday. Asks to meet in Central Park. 'I don't think this is working'." Robin summarises.

"He used 'I don't think this is working'?" Penny frowns.

_"__I know!" _Robin and Anna expostulate in unison.

"Even_ I _don't use that line," Penny huffs.

Penny is seventeen, two years older than Anna, and is going through a- well, Mom and Aunt Tracy call it 'a phase'. This seems unnecessarily euphemistic to Anna because the fact is that, basically, Penny's has a lot of boyfriends (only one at a time, though, Anna assumes). There was Drake, Aidan (the only one Anna had actually met), Fernando, the one with the glasses, the one with the pet iguana. While Anna had been with Hank for four whole months, Penny's boyfriends tend to stick around for a few weeks before Penny gets bored of them, or as a couple they disintegrate. It seems to Anna both glamorous and cheap, and she isn't sure if it's less or more grown-up than her dating Hank. But Penny's always known what she's doing, always been loud and confident and sure of herself, sure of what she wants. Anna also suspects than Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney approve of Penny's romantic escapades more than they let on.

"Aunt Robin says I should eat ice-cream and shoot guns," Anna says.

"You took Daisy shooting recently, right?" Penny chirps, "She said it was cool,"

"She was good," Robin reports, "Ah, but I took her for her eighteenth birthday, that's it. Sorry Anna, you're gonna have to save up all that anger for another three years until you're old enough. Guess I could get you a BB..."

"Forget about guns for a second," Penny barks, "You're seeing this kid at school on Monday, right?"

Anna nods miserably.

"Be cool. Play it cool. Like, 'Yeah, we split up, it ain't no thing. Hey, did you catch _Days Of Our Lives _on Friday?'"

"Who even watches that?"

"Nobody, but you get my point. Coo_oo_l,"

"Penny, you know Daisy?"

"Hmm?"

"Did _she _ever mention having a boyfriend. Derek?"

Penny smirks. "I am unavailable to comment on that subject,"

"Come on, you gotta tell me,"

"I am unavailable to comment on that subject,"

"That means she did! She totally _did_," Anna cheers.

"_Or _she could not have being dating him, but knew you were going to ask so told me not to tell you either way. _Or _she could never have mentioned it at all and I'm messing with you. _Or _she _could _have been dating him,". Penny and Barney have always been similar and very close, but it now occurs to Robin that Penny seems to actually be _turning into_ her favourite uncle. It's a disconcerting thought.

Penny sighs theatrically, "Guess you'll never know,"

"You suck," Anna moans.

"Do you know how difficult it is being friends with you _and _Daisy? I feel like Zeus in _The Iliad,"_

"Ted!" Robin says through a cough.

"Shut up, it's good. It's exciting and cool and there's themes and stuff, it and it's funnier than you'd think,"

"I think I saw a bit of the movie once," Anna remembers, "It's all dudes chopping each other up, isn't it? Battle movies like that are so boring,"

"Read the book. Better than the movie,"

"You always say that,"

"No, my _Mom _always says that cos she's a book purist. There's some notable exceptions to her rule,"

"Do you have any idea how much you sound like your dad?" Robin cringes, "Notable? That's the most Ted word there is. But you're right, some movies are better than the books. _The Shining,"_

"_Bridget Jones,"_ says Anna. Robin rolls her eyes.

_"__Idiot's Eden," _suggests Penny.

"There was this movie out like twenty years ago, it was from a book. There was a married couple and the guy cheated the girl, so she had this huge revenge plan and like the first half of the movie was all made up by her. The film was better than the book- though I remember Barney hated it. Dammit, what was it called...?"

"_Medea_?" Penny suggests.

"Nah..."

"Some of the _Harry Potter_ movies are better films that books," Anna points out, "The one with the tournament. Oh, and obviously _Twilight,"_

"Are you kidding me?" Penny deadpans.

"The first one! Seriously, it is!"

_"__Twilight_ is the lamest of the lame. Books and movies. Right, Aunt Robin?"

"Right. Crashing motorcycles is definitely _not _how you deal with a break-up, Anna. Understand?"

"Duh. I'm not crazy,"

"Ha, so you admit the _Twilight _girl _is _crazy," Penny exclaims.

"Yes, but-

"God, it was bad enough living through these arguments and fangirling when the movies and books were out- don't make me re-live it now that they've suddenly become cool again," Aunt Robin moans.

"Yeah- guess I should probably get back to studying," Penny sighs, "German imperfect verbs don't memorise themselves,"

"Thanks for talking to us," Anna says, sincerely.

Penny shrugs, "Hopefully there was at least some relationship words of wisdom there. Just, yeah- be cool in front of him, even if you're mad. I'll see you both sometime,"

"Bye,"

"See ya!"

"Well," says Aunt Robin, as Anna pockets her phone, "Always good to have Man-eater Mosby's opinion,"

"I do actually feel better," Anna shrugs.

"See. And in ten minutes you'll feel better still, and by tomorrow- well, you might feel worse, but give it a week and you'll feel better. I think Lily it takes says half as long as you were together to get over somebody,"

"That's two months! That's ages!"

"...which is why I say ten thousand drinks. Or for you ten thousand... chocolate bars. Actually that's a bad idea, don't eat ten thousand chocolate bars...not that I'm saying you have to be skinny- dammit, this teenage-girl-mentoring is hard!"

"Try living it,"

"You got me there. But you _did _just have a break-up, so right now you are entitled to eat anything you want for the rest of the day. That is a definite rule of break-ups,".

Aunt Robin pats Anna's knee, gets up and goes into the kitchen. "So- more ice-cream?"


	37. LCE

LCE

_March 2017_

They hoped that they could leave Penny in her carry-crib on the landing, but being outside of her usual routine has made the one-year-old restless. Daisy's been put to bed and Penny's mewling is keeping her awake, so Tracy takes Penny outside to walk up and down, in an attempt to get her off to sleep. She's been pacing and chatting away to her daughter for a quarter of an hour when Barney opens the Erikson's kitchen door and joins her outside.

"So," he says, slightly accusatorily, "You're giving me another nephew in the Fall,"

"Or a niece," Tracy corrects, "We don't know yet,"

"It's a dude. I can tell," Barney announces, tapping his nose with his finger, and using his other hand to fish a crumpled box of cigarettes out of his pocket.

"You can't tell, silly," says Tracy, then realises that she's put her foot in a long-and-nonsensical-explanation trap.

"I know when I'm the presence of a bro," Barney scoffs, lighting the cigarette, "Even a foetus-bro. Trust me, there's one inside your lady-oven right now, and inside Lily's too. Two new bros in the same year!" he cheers happily.

"Only a few weeks to go until Lily's due date- _then _we'll see how correct your bro sixth-sense is. They knew what they were having when they had Marvin and Daisy, right?"

"Yeah but this is their third kid, and they've already got one of each, so they figured keep it a surprise this time," Barney shrugs, "Well, a surprise for _them. _Not for me because I _obviously _can tell that it's a boy,"

"Fine, fine," (this isn't an argument she wants to be having with him all night).

Everyone is at Marshall and Lily's place in Brooklyn, and earlier in the evening Tracy and Ted announced that they're expecting their second baby later in the year. Predictably, Lily is thrilled at the prospect of her kid and Tracy's being barely six months apart, and is already excitedly planning play-dates, matching outfits and a joint 'first Christmas' photoshoot ("She'll be organising their wedding soon," Robin noted).

"Are you excited to have a baby brother?" he asks Penny, then adds boastfully to Tracy, "When I was born my brother _loved _me,"

Tracy isn't sure why he thinks this is much of a bragging point, but she smiles at him anyway, hoping that to look impressed. "Aw."

"James and me have been like this-"Barney holds up crossed fingers- "Since day one. Are your arms getting tired, Trace? Give her here,"

He reaches for the baby, but Tracy bats his hand away, "I've nearly got her to sleep; don't wanna disturb her now,"

Barney's face falls a little. "You got to play with her and Daisy for ages earlier," Tracy points out.

"I know, but it's nice when they fall asleep on you. They're all clingy and floppy,"

"I reckon you want us to have a boy because you know that my daughter has you wrapped around her little finger,". He thinks he's so smooth and smart, but Tracy sees him go weak at the knees when a baby smiles at him.

"Shut up," Barney mumbles. Any further conversation is interrupted by Marvin barging through the kitchen door and into the garden.

"Hey, buddy. How's it going?" Tracy trills. He gives her a toothy grin and a double thumbs-up, but makes a beeline for Barney.

"You shouldn't do that," the four-year-old declares.

"What?"

Marvin points to the cigarette.

"Oh, don't sweat it, it's fine," Barney reassures him with a shrug, "Can I see your wobbly tooth again?"

Marvin opens his mouth and points to it, wiggling it.

"Wow," Barney marvels (even though it makes him feel icky).

Marvin shuts his mouth and insists, "Smoking kills. Gets dirt in you and die,"

Jesus, the kid's four years old. What the hell do they teach children in preschool these days? "Listen, kid, it takes more than a few smokes' worth of tobacco to finish your Uncle Barney off. Now, what's that behind your ear?". He pulls a quarter out from behind Marvin's head. "Ooh, and what's in your sweater?". Barney tugs at Marvin's collar, and out comes a row of handkerchiefs.

"Ha, cool!" says Marvin, "Do the one with the orange and the limes!"

Just as Barney's distracting Marvin, his cigarette decides to drop a couple of tiny blackened fragments on the ground next to Marvin's shoe. Marvin jumps, alarmed.

"Crap," Barney mutters.

"I don't like it!" Marvin wails, "Don't smoke,"

"Hey, hey, hey. Dude, you're okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drop ash on you. But it doesn't hurt," (and it wasn't even _on_ him, Barney adds in his head. He's starting to feel irritated by Marvin giving him a health talk. Everybody says how Marvin's like Marshall, but sometimes the kid can be so Lilyish. And with one younger sibling and another on the way, he takes his role as caregiver very seriously. It's cute when he's like that with Daisy, but Barney's ten times Marvin's age so it's irritating).

"Listen, it's my body, right? My life, my choice. And I choose to, on occasion, indulge in a cigarette or two," (Barney considers adding that Marshall and Lily also used to before Marvin was born, but at this rate that information might break the poor kid's heart). He turns to Tracy and adds in a whisper, "How does a four-year-old know about lung cancer?"...hold up, what if Lily's put him up to this? Sneaky little puppet-master.

"Guess that's what the teachers tell them. Get it into their heads as early as possible, I guess," Tracy replies. Barney laughs coldly, remembering buying his Mom cigarettes from the corner store when he as barely older than Marvin.

"It's gross! It's all smokey and coughy! It smells!" Marvin protests. The kid's tired; Barney can tell. That's all it is, just tiredness...but then he catches Tracy's eye and she's giving him one of those looks; a knowing, prompting look with her cartoon-size eyes. Barney likes that chick, but she often makes him feel strange. Like he wants to impress her. Not like he tries to impress Robin by or hitting the gym more or making breakfast in bed, or like he impresses his bosses at work by coming up with a totally genius plan or disguise. With Tracy, Barney wants to impress her...personally. By doing the right thing. He wants her to approve of him. Robin accepts him as he is, with all his faults (of which there are, of course, very few) and eccentricities, but with Tracy it's like he wants her to see the best version of him.

Barney puts a hand on Marvin's shoulder. "Listen. If it means that much to you- I'll quit. He takes a drag on his cigarette, exhales, drops it, and crushes it with his foot. "There you go, Erikson – my last cigarette ever. Happy?"

Marvin nods but doesn't say anything; Barney suspect that he's unconvinced.

"I promise you, okay?" Barney insists, "Swear on my life,". He crosses his heart a couple of times and is about to give Marvin a hug, when Ted comes out into the garden

"Is Penny asleep? Maybe I could risk putting her back in the carry-crib," he suggests.

"Yeah. Here you go,". Gently, Tracy hands the baby over to Ted.

"What are you three doing out here?" Ted asks, smiling.

"Uncle Barney quit smoking," Marvin announces.

Ted's eyes snap to Barney's. "For real?"

"Yeah. Honestly. Marvin talked me into it. I know I've said I'm quitting before, but this time I mean it," he nods, jamming his hand in between Marvin's shoulder and neck, which makes the boy wriggle and giggle.

"Wow," marvels Ted, "That's all of us. Everybody's last cigarette ever,"

There's a beat of poignancy, and then Ted continues, "Anyway, Penpot, let's get you in your crib. Might be getting towards your bedtime too, Marvinator,"

"No!" the four-year-old argues, but the word is caught on a yawn.

"Bad luck," Tracy commiserates him, "Off you go with Uncle Ted. We'll all come say goodnight in a moment,"

Marvin doesn't look too sulky, and Ted wraps an arm around his chest, lifting him up so his feet dangle a couple of inches off the ground. He carries Marvin and Penny back inside.

"You serious about that?" Tracy asks as soon as the kitchen door closes, "Last cigarette ever?"

"Oh, fuck no," Barney assures her. Sure, he could lie to her and say yes he _is _quitting- but Tracy can always see through him; more than Mom or Lily or Robin. "No way. Just wanted him to stop worrying,"

"Good for you," Tracy answers (because it's mostly good, she decides).

"Let Ted believe I quit though, will ya? He'll want some cutesy moment of last smoke ever,"

Tracy shrugs, "If you want. Although you realise that means you can't smoke in front of him anymore?"

"Tracy, I spent a decade sneaking away from Ted to fool around with chicks in the MacLaren's bathroom. I'll manage to sneak away for a smoke,"

She holds her hands up, "Okay, okay,"

"His was for you, you know?"

"What?"

"A few weeks into dating you he came round to my place and said that you'd said you didn't like the smell of cigarettes, so he was going to quit before you found out that he smoked,"

"Ted never smoked,"

"Aw, that's cute," Barney drawls patronisingly, then confirms, "Not as much as I do, but he used to a few times a year. And a couple of weeks after we get home from honeymoon, when he'd been texting every day like 'I love this girl, she's the one for me! I'm a slushy puddle of relationship mush!', he comes to see us and he says, 'Tracy hates the smell of smoke, I can't go within fifty feet of a cigarette ever again!'. And Robin goes, 'Yeah, I might give quitting another go'- cos she was smoking loads when it got close to the wedding; weight loss and stress and all that bridey stuff. And I'm like 'Yeah, you two go do that, see how long it lasts'. So they went out onto the balcony together and smoked their lasts cigarettes ever with each other,"

_"__Aaw. _Ted never told me that,"

"Yeah, cos it's _lame._ I wouldn't change anything about myself for a girl," Barney boasts, puffing his chest up and folding his arms.

"Of course you wouldn't. You're still out getting fourteen girls' numbers an hour even on an off night, with _The Playbook _still in pride of place on your mantelpiece,"

"It was never on my mantelpiece. It was in a hidden compartment in my lounge, so _ha,"_

_"_Yes, _I'm_ the one who was just proved wrong," Tracy mumbles sarcastically, "Was it really Robin's last cigarette ever too?"

"Yyyup," Barney confirms. Then he winks and clicks his tongue.

Tracy rolls her eyes. "You could just say it wasn't, you know,"

"But it was!" he insists, and does another tongue-click-wink, "Like I've quit today!". Wink-click.

"It's getting cold, let's go back inside," Penny announces, to shut him up.

"Hmm...Ted'll be putting Marvin to bed, and Marvin will be being put to bed. I think I'm gonna stay out here on the patio by myself for five minutes,". Wink-click.

Tracy shakes her head exasperatedly, but smiles at him and brushes his arm with her hand as she goes back inside. Barney fumbles in his pocket, and pulls out a crumpled box and a lighter.


	38. Maroon

_The moon is on my side  
I have no reason to run  
So will someone come and carry me home tonight  
The angels never arrived  
But I can hear the choir  
So will someone come and carry me home tonight_

-Fun, _We Are Young_

**Set on the same evening as Ch19 _Red._**

Maroon

_2024_

There's someone pulling on the duvet. Barney groans irritably in half-sleep, blearily assuming that it's the dog- but the sound of a sob makes his eyes snap open. Penny Mosby is standing beside the bed in her pink My Little Pony pyjamas, crying and clinging onto the duvet. As his eyes become accustomed to the darkness, Barney is reminded bizarrely of a baby blackbird his buddy Malachy found behind the bike shed in second grade; dark, shaking, bewildered. _God_, he thinks, _she looks so small_. Barney's always telling the kids how much they've grown and how big they're getting, but right now Penny looks so fragile. Lost and helpless, and it makes his stomach ache. Barney shoves the duvet aside, shuffles up towards Robin, and lets Penny climb in next to him. She crumples into his chest, clutching his pyjama shirt, her fingers digging uncomfortably into his nipple piercing through the fabric. Barney puts an arm around her back, rubbing his thumb very gently on her shoulder. After that he's out of ideas. What the hell are you supposed to do when you've got an eight-year-old kid who's Mom has breast cancer, crying into your chest at- wait, what time is it? Barney cranes his neck to look at the clock, but Penny's in the way- on a Saturday night? A kid who isn't your daughter, who you usually spoil rotten and laugh with and take to baseball matches, and leave the actual-serious-comforting duties to, you know, _her Dad. _Dammit, he needs Ted here, or Tracy; Tracy's good when people cry (not that he knows this first-hand, because it isn't as if Tracy's the person he calls when he's scared or upset or worried that me might have massively screwed up his marriage - so Tracy's never seen him cry, so you can stop asking, _okay?!_). And in his defence, the kid was punching him four hours ago (he reminds himself that he needs to check if she's left a scratch-mark down his face).

One of the many thousands of legen-wait for it- dary things about being married to Robin Scherbatsky is that she rarely cries. Barney can't remember the last time he saw his wife cry, so like hell he can remember what he actually _does _as any kind of comfort. Perhaps he should wake Robin up; she's a girl after all, so by default she knows more about crying girls than he does. But Penny's latched herself onto him so he can't roll over to jab his wife awake. And besides, Robin isn't much good when people cry either (not that that's the reason he goes to Tracy instead of Robin when he's scared or upset, because he doesn't get scared or upset and he doesn't cry because Barney Stinson does not do any of those things, and if he did he'd go to his wife first, so you can stop asking, _okay?!). _One thing Barney knows is that he is not going to shush her. The last thing anybody needs when they're crying is for somebody else to think that 'Shh' is comforting when it damn well isn't. Perhaps he should say something? That might cheer her up. _'Hey, kiddo, your Mom isn't going to die!'. 'Listen, sweetheart- if your Mom does die, remember that my brother's kids have no Mom and they're doing great!'. 'Guess what, darling? My Mom got so sick that I thought she was going to die once, too! I'd recommend not faking an engagement and a pregnancy though, haha!'_. Now he thinks about it, that last one is kind of relevant. The terror of thinking that your Mom is going to go away forever isn't something you forget, even after more than twenty years. Yeah, he does know _exactly _what Penny is going through. '_By the way, princess, my Mom got better!'._ Yeah, Barney reckons it's best it keep his mouth shut.

Penny snuffles, and wipes her nose on Barney's pyjama shirt. Without thinking, he moves his arm further around her and plants a kiss on her hair. Then he freezes, realising abruptly that it didn't even _occur_ to him that Penny was snotting on his pyjamas. His Derek Rose cotton-satin Mayfair stripe pyjamas which he only bought a few weeks ago and they're light blue so the snot-mark's visible- and he doesn't care. It didn't occur to him at first what she was doing, and now it has occurred he finds that he_ still_ doesn't care. On the list of Things Barney Doesn't Care about, 'Penny wiping her nose on pyjamas' is up there with architecture, hoodies and that endangered Costa Rican frog-lizard Marshall's supposed to be saving. It didn't even _occur _to him at first...this is the moment in which Barney Stinson realises quite how much he loves these kids; these seven strange little beings who have entered his awesome world. The realisation is sinking and cold and uncomfortable; unpleasant, really, because it's laced with a sense of weakness and humiliation- but even_ that _he doesn't care about because loves them so much. God, this is getting weird and way too self-analytical, and he should stop thinking before he gets into hypotheticals ('What if Penny _vomited_ on _all _your _suits,_ would you care about it then?' 'What if you were in a shipwreck and Eli and Sadie were on one raft and James and Robin were on the other, and you could only rescue one raft?'). Okay, so mouth shut and brain off- that isn't too hard, right? Who is he kidding, he's Barney Stinson, he can't do either of those. _Why can't you just cuddle her, you eejit?_ he thinks, _She's a little girl who is scared and upset and needs a hug, and we've established that your love her so much it makes you feel queasy, so just...okay?_

Penny's still juddering with tears, and Barney notes the juxtaposition of his bicep against her spindly, shaking shoulders. Her hair is so straight; his hair was never straight at her age. Mom always liked his curls.-Oh fantastic, now he's back to thinking about Moms again, and Tracy, and Tracy's cancer. 'Uncontrolled growth of breast tissue' sounds awesome on paper, but in reality it's horrible. Tracy's thin and tired but still doing that perky 'yay, go team! Sparkle sparkle sparkle!' shtick, and it seems wrong with her so gaunt. (Perhaps she's 'holding it together for the kids' or whatever). Ted's weird too, so damn weird; distant, drifting, nervy. _Miserable_. Barney doesn't know much about misery, least of all being in a sort of permanent state like Ted's been for the past few weeks. It must suck. And he's taking Tracy to and from doctor's appointments and ferrying the kids about to school and baseball and drama club- jeez, poor guy must be exhausted. Barney's trying to help when he can but he does have, you know, _a life _here in Manhattan, and heading up to Westchester isn't as easy as getting a cab to visit Marshall and Lily in Brooklyn. Barney hopes that taking Luke and Penny of their parents' hands this weekend is helpful. Luke doesn't understand what's going on properly. That makes Barney sad, because Luke must be so confused to see his world go so strange; his Mom frail and tired; Dad twitchy and pale; sister permanently on the brink of a tantrum; everybody throwing around words like 'chaemo' and 'mastectomy' and 'prognosis'. Barney knows that Ted and Tracy have explained it to him, though how much can a six-year-old _really _understand? But at least the poor bastard's asleep right now, not crying into the shoulder of a man who has no idea what he's supposed to be doing about it.

Can she shift? Please? He needs to know what time it is. It must be after eleven, because they'd put the kids to bed at around half nine. Barney likes the routine of that: pyjamas, teeth, kisses goodnight. Penny had still been a bit cold with him, but he hadn't minded too much. He suspects she was embarrassed after kicking off at him earlier, and didn't know what to say (jeez, kid, 'Sorry' might have been nice). The kids were sleeping in the lounge, so him and Robin had gone to watch TV in their bedroom, make out a little, maybe some light petting (it irritates Barney how worried Ted gets about them banging when the kids are round. Come on, he understands boundaries. Although it annoys him how Robin can grope his chest as much she likes and that's totally kosher, but him doing the same to her is X-rated. Surely that's sexism?!), check on the kids every quarter of an hour- they were both reading of course; Penny _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, _Luke _The Giraffe The Pelly and Me. _Ted often boasts that they've got above average-reading ages or something like that. It makes Barney feel melancholy, because he used to love reading out loud to the kids. They'd sit on his knee or curl into his side, and he'd do actions and sound effects and use different voices for each character. Barney doesn't get all Ted-and-Lilyish about the kids growing up (Lily was nearly in tears when she had a clear-out of Erikson baby clothes), but he'll admit to missing the repeated readings of _Where The Wild Things Are, Splat The Cat, _and whatever the other books the kids had had phases on when they were younger. _I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam-I-Am. Would you eat them with a fox? Would you eat them- _no let's not go there, otherwise it won't be out of his head for a week. Barney runs his free hand down his face, wondering if it's possible to tell what time it is from the amount of stubble on his cheek. Some Arctic explorer dude must have done that at some point, right? Or Aboriginals in the Amazon. Or anybody, really, before clocks were invented.

"I'm scared,"

The voice- surprisingly clear and level- cuts rudely into Barney's thoughts. He hadn't realised she was thinking straight enough to verbalise, and although her voice is clogged, her words aren't caught on sobs.

...Dammit, he doesn't how to answer. He shouldn't tell her not to be scared because, frankly, she should be. He knows he is, and Tracy isn't even his _Mom_. _God, Penny's shoulders are so small_, he muses again, randomly.

"D'you wanna go in the middle?"

"What?"

"Of the bed. Tim's in the lounge, isn't he? There's room,". Their dog likes sleeping on the bed, but he's cleared off tonight to sleep beside Bosky and Luke.

"'Kay," Penny agrees. Barney climbs out of bed and Penny shuffles up towards Robin. Barney gets back in on his side of the bed (he glances at the clock; 1:40am). That's better; he can lie on his back, and he doesn't have to worry about accidentally shoving Penny out of bed. Robin briefly opens her eyes and looks at him, but Barney shrugs back in an _I-got-this _way (she's more than half-asleep anyway, he can tell), and she shuts her eyes again. Now that Penny's stopped sobbing long enough to speak, Barney would appreciate it if she said something like, 'Hey Uncle Barney I'm sorry for throwing a tantrum at you earlier for no reason, I hope I didn't hurt you when I punched you in the stomach and scratched your face. I'll pay for any damage to your suit,'...but she's always been too proud for apologies, unless her parents absolutely make her.

"I got you," he mumbles.

Penny makes a whimpering noise which Barney doesn't understand the meaning of. He wants to add, 'It'll be okay,' but they both know that that might not be true. He wants to add, 'I love you' but they both know that that won't help. Barney resolves not to say anything but hold her tight until she falls asleep. Despite his best efforts to stay awake, however, he drifts off around three.

Penny's still awake at sunrise.

**Thank you for reading. It means a lot that you'd take the time to read my writing...it'd mean even more if you reviewed. Thanks a lot.**


	39. Artificial Plastics

**Fun Fact: The Marvin in my head looks absolutely nothing like the Marvin who appears in 8.03 ****_Nannies. _**

Artificial Plastics

_2025_

"It's not too different from me, I guess. I can't have kids,"

The words hang in the air, then descend slowly into Marvin's brain, and their meaning judders into place. "_What?!"_

"I can't have kids. Physically, I mean. There's a medical complication. I biologically can't have a baby,"

He gapes at her, then manages, "Does my Mom know?". Later he'll realise that it sounds an inane first question to ask, but right now it's the first thing which comes into his head.

"Yes. And your dad-"

"Does Uncle Barney know?" he interrogates.

"Of course Barney knows," Aunt Robin replies, her tone slightly impatient.

"And is he okay with it?"

"Yeah,"

Marvin pauses for breath and asks more falteringly, "Are you okay with it?"

Aunt Robin looks at him, exhales. "Yes."

"Is there a...?" Marvin gestures awkwardly in the vague direction of her stomach, "What's the...?". He cringes the pained, embarrassed cringe of a thirteen-year-old boy asking about the reproductive system of a woman in her forties who isn't his Mom. He does want to know the answer, but now the question's out there he reckons he shouldn't have asked.

"You really wanna know?" Aunt Robin deadpans. Marvin winces again, too flustered to come up with a response, so she summarises for him, "It's physical abnormality, nothing too exciting. But it means that I can't ever conceive a baby. Is that enough womb talk?"

"Yeah, I mean...wow. Were you- never mind,"

"Hey, you can ask. I promise you it's alright. _I'm_ alright. You can ask stuff,"

"Were you...born with it, or did something happen? How long have you known?"

Marvin feels dizzy. He knows that stuff like this _happens, _but it doesn't...it doesn't happen to people he actually knows! Why hasn't Aunt Robin ever mentioned it before? And how is she talking about it so casually?

"Guess I found out about it when your Mom was pregnant with you. Not_ because _of that- I had to go to the doctor's for something else, and it came up then," Aunt Robin clarifies after a moment's consideration, "And yeah, it's a from-birth thing. Nothing I could have done to cause it or change it,"

Marvin can feel his heart beat double-time, and he can hear mantra thudding in his head; _Aunt Robin can't have kids, Aunt Robin can't have kids_. He swallows, concentrates as hard as he possibly can on the bench opposite, and asks quietly, "Are you sad?"

Aunt Robin pauses a long, tortuous time before answering. Bambambambambam. _Aunt Robin can't have kids, Aunt Robin can't have kids. _Bambambambambam.

"Yes. It makes me very sad,". Her voice is still and strangely thin, and out of the corner of his eye Marvin can see her staring at the opposite bench too. He chews his lip nervously, not understanding her answer.

"But you're still okay about it?" How can she be sad but okay?

"I'm sad but I'm okay about it. I've made my peace with it but it makes me sad,"

"I don't understand," Marvin admits, frowning.

"The thing to 'get' is that I'm fine. I can deal with being sad about it, and it's not- it's not a big part of my life. I don't wake up every morning and say, 'Dammit, I'm infertile,"

Marvin raises a smile at the joke, but the use of the word makes him feel uncomfortable. It's blunt and definite, and- admittedly he doesn't know much about this- is her can't-have-kids-ness _definitely _definite? Is she sure it couldn't change? There's operations and medicines, right?

Aunt Robin must notice Marvin's discomfort, because she reassures him, "That's the term. There's no point anybody dancing around it. Infertile, infertile, infertile. Like concrete,"

Usually Marvin laughs at her droll sense of humour, but now it's making him feel creeped out. He doesn't like her joking about this.

"I spent a lot of time thinking that if it had to happen to somebody it should happen to me because I never wanted kids, but in the last couple of years I've been thinking at that isn't the healthie-

"You never wanted kids?"

She snorts with laughter. "Are you kidding me? Marvin, kids are the_ last_ thing I've ever wanted,"

Marvin can't help but feel stung by the certainty and callousness in her tone. Perhaps Aunt Robin can tell that he's hurt because she explains, "I have a career. I have fun. Kids take up all your time and effort and money- come on, you know this, you_ are_ a kid . Even before I knew I couldn't, I was dead set against having children,"

"You never _ever _wanted them?" Marvin persists.

"I don't know why this is surprise to you- I've never hid it," Aunt Robin shrugs, and well, no, Marvin supposes she hasn't...it just hasn't come up like this before. He hadn't thought about it. "I always knew that my career was most important to me. _I'm _most important to me. I want my own life. And, I'm not, you know, maternal. Kids were always a non-negotiable no," she pauses, sighs, then continues, "Look, I think you're great. All five of you. But you were the first baby I ever held, right? You know that story. You were- this isn't me being nice, this is a fact- you were honestly the first baby I was ever interested in. I never wanted one of my own. So I used to think that it was fair that I couldn't have kids because I didn't want any, but in the last few years I've decided that that's bullshit,"

"So you didn't want kids. And you can't have kids...and you're okay with it...but you're still sad?" Marvin clarifies, confused. That doesn't make sense. How is she okay about it but sad? Why is she sad if she didn't want kids anyway?

"Yeah. It feels like...it's a sad thing, you know? There's no way that being infertile isn't sad, regardless of any other factor,"

"Um...kinda. I guess," he mumbles, not knowing at all.

Robin can tell how bemused her nephew is. He's looking at her like she's grown a second head, and he keeps firing questions at her. She doesn't know why he's so startled by it all- her being unable to have children, and not wanting them at all- but then again she's had decades to think about it, and Marvin's had two minutes. And sometimes, perhaps she does forget how young he is. They've always been close, and as the oldest of three Eriksons and five Mosby-Eriksons, Marvin's always seemed mature for his age. But in fact he is only thirteen. She reckons though, that his shocked reactions prove why she should have brought this up.

"Hey, do you want another burger?" she asks chirpily.

"Sure!"

"Dammit, you were supposed to say no,"

"Oh...sorry?"

"I'm making a point. Alright, say... I know, do you want a pistachio ice-cream?"

"No. I hate pistachio,"

"I know. So say of all your friends were here having pistachio ice-cream, you still wouldn't want one?"

"Well, maybe if someone bought one for me,"

"Work with me here, Marvin- I need you to answer no,"

"Fine, I still wouldn't have a pistachio ice-cream even if all my friends were here eating them,"

"And if they kept asking, 'Hey, Marv, want a pistachio ice-cream?' what would you say?," she asks, then whispers a prompt: "'No',"

"No," he answers obediently.

"But what if tomorrow somebody told you that you could never have pistachio ice-cream ever again. How would you feel?"

She doesn't prompt him and Marvin shrugs, "Fine, probably. Am I supposed to feel sad?"

"This was a terrible analogy," she groans, "What I meant was, it's upsetting to be told you can't have something you didn't want. That doesn't sound like it makes sense but when it happens to you, you feel it. Or at least I did. I was super-proud of not wanting kids. That was a choice I made and I defended- because you know how some people are about women not wanting kids; they think it's weird. And that choice not to have children was taken away from me, so it wasn't _my_ choice anymore. And that's sad,"

"...But you're _choosing_ not to adopt or pay someone to have your kid. You've still got some choice there," Marvin points out, as if adoption and surrogacy are obvious, easy decisions to make; simple and instant alternatives.

"That's different,"

"Being adopted doesn't make anybody different," Marvin declares nobly.

Robin smirks, amused by this line which is clearly straight out of Citizenship class, "No. But it's different if you're a parent, isn't it? Not, parent_ing," _she clarifies, before he can interrupt with another politically correct slogan, "I mean, the choice, the process. The way you become a parent. It's different to getting pregnant. It's a different decision...things are more complicated than just 'get pregnant or adopt', it doesn't work A or B like that. It doesn't...feel as much of a choice not to,"

Marvin kind of sees it. "So Uncle Barney...doesn't...want kids either?" he wonders.

Robin knew this question was coming, because she's realised that the kids do see her and Barney as a single entity. Which makes sense, but she also finds it kind of degrading to be thought of as a half. It's more annoying than hurtful, but with Marvin it grates more than with any of the others, because she's always liked him the most (screw it, she isn't his Mom, she's allowed to have favourites- she's always _loved_ him the most), and she knows that he likes her very much too. He's the oldest so grew out of Barney first, and even before them had a good nose for his bullshit. Robin and Marvin have always been good buddies, despite not being particularly similar. So it's frustrating that in his head she's still half of a pairing with her husband.

"No. You're old enough to know- it isn't even a secret- that he slept around a lot before we were together. I mean _a lot. _Costumes, props, outrageous lies". She sighs mock-dreamily, "Ah, the boy I fell in love with. Anyway, he was never in a position to have kids when he was busy tomcatting around the City. Unless, you know, something happened by accident," she concedes.

"But it _didn't?!"_ Marvin exclaims.

"Oh, God no. Although if some blond-haired blue-eyed big-foreheaded kid shows up at our door with its Mom demanding a DNA test, make no mistake I will stick a knife in my husband's gut. My point is that when you're trying to sleep with a woman from every country in the world, you're not thinking about starting a family".

"But you two've been married for ages!"

She laughs out loud; sometimes he thinks in such straight lines. "Right, Marv, because people suddenly change their minds about kids when they get married,"

"No, I know, but..." he mumbles, then cuts himself off.

"Go on,"

"Nah. I don't know what I was gonna say," he shrugs.

"Yeah you go,"

"Well, fine: You said Uncle Barney didn't want kids when he was, like...having one-night-stands," Marvin puts delicately, "But, I mean...if he didn't want kids them, what's the reason he doesn't want kids now?"

The question hangs there, and Robin decides that prompting Marvin to ask more questions was a bad idea. She's okay with talking about her _own _infertility, but now this is getting into relationship stuff, private stuff between her and Barney, conversations uncomfortable enough the first time round with her husband, let alone the sort of thing she's going to re-live by repeating to a thirteen-year-old boy.

Robin shrugs and offers a nonchalant reply, which she hopes sounds specific despite being determinedly vague: "Not everyone wants to be a parent. I know that's strange to think about when you're a kid and you have parents, and most of the people you know are either kids or parents, but...I don't think children were every on the radar for either of us,"...She doesn't mention the obvious point about what sort of father Barney would be.

"I guess you're away with work a lot," Marvin concedes.

"Exactly. Barney and me, we're both busy with our jobs. And we have fun, right? We travel and we go out at night and we give each other dares in museums," she pauses momentarily, "So it worked out. Two people who didn't want kids got together and didn't kids. The people who they knew who chose to have kids had kids, and the two people without kids bought the other people's kids video games and hung out with them in Central Park. And they all lived happily ever after,"

He glances at her.

"That's a happy ending, Marv. Don't go thinking that this isn't a happy ending. Not all stories end with a husband and a wife and two kids and a dog and a picket fence," (frankly, she reckons the fact that Ted has all of those things proves her point).

Yeah, he knows that. He knows different types of families and some people want careers not kids, but...he didn't expect it to come up like this. And the complication of her not wanting kids and not being _able _to have kids is bewildering. He didn't understand hr pistachio ice-cream explanation. So much about this doesn't make sense.

"I know, I know. I know that there's different...I just didn't...woah," Marvin manages to stammer.

"Guess I didn't realise how hard it would be for you to get your head around this," she muses.

"How come you never said anything about it before?"

"I told you- it isn't important. It doesn't come up often,"

Sometimes Marvin wishes that there was a Wikipedia for real life, where you could look up things about people in your life. Just so you _knew. _

"Didn't we ask when we were little?"

"Probably. And we'd have told you that we didn't have kids because we don't want them. That's the main reason, you know. If I wasn't infertile I still wouldn't have kids,"

He feels like they've been at this point before, and he wants to ask 'But then why are you sad?!' or 'See, so adoption _would _be a choice! It _is _a choice you're not making!'- but she's answered both of those already, and he didn't really understand. Marvin has to admit to himself that this is probably one of those 'Maybe you'll understand when you're older' things. People say that once you're a teenager you're nearly an adult, but it isn't like that at all. Or perhaps her infertility is such a...girly thing that only girls can understand it. If that's the case then there's not much Marvin can do, and he supposes that he's fine with that.

Alright, so he may not understand this, but Marvin knows that he feels sad. Uncomfortable and nervous- his heart's still pounding- and sad. Maybe he's hurt by her not wanting kids- but if she _did, _then she wouldn't be friends with him, would she? Aunt Robin's right- in a world where most people you know are either kids or parents (which is of course any kid's world, although he hasn't thought that that before), you kind of start assuming that that's the default without realising that you're doing it. It's probably true, he reckons. Aunt Robin said it was a girl thing, though- that people think that it's wrong if women don't want children- and Marvin isn't so sure about that. He doesn't reckon anyone thinks that way. Do they? This is so confusing, and he isn't sure if he's thinking about Aunt Robin not _wanting _children or not being able to have them, or general people generally having children. Uncle Barney once tried to teach him how to compartmentalise thoughts but Marvin wasn't much good at it, and now all these questions and ideas are jumbled in his mind.

Most of all, he feels sorry for Aunt Robin. R_eally _sorry, although he can't work out why. Sorry in a way which he hasn't felt before, and certainly not towards an adult. It's more complicated than feeling sorry for Aunt Tracy when she was sick last year. That was cancer; it was serious; Aunt Tracy had treatment, and there was the possibility (nobody had ever said it to him, but he'd sensed it) that she could die. Aunt Robin has to _live _with this infertility thing. He supposes that even if she didn't want kids, it must be...bad to see, like, Aunt Lily and Tracy having kids. Because it's like in Aunt Robin's face that she can't.

"Aunt Robin, are you sad...or mad that, like, Mom and Tracy had kids?"

She does one of those long-exhale things again. "I'm not sad or mad that they had kids. But I'd be lying to you if I said that watching them be pregnant was the easiest thing in the world,"

"Because...you...can't,"

"Yes. Even though I wouldn't want to be, it was like a constant reminder that there's something wrong in my body which means it can't do that. I wasn't about not having that though, it was more the reminder that I'm broken in that way,"

"You're not broken," he declares, sounding exactly like Barney.

"I am," she argues, "Literally. There's something which isn't working like it should,"

"But..." he tries to counter, although he can't come up with anything. She's right, it is broken.

"It's just that one thing. And like I told you- I don't think about it much. One thing broken doesn't stop me being fine in every other way. It's still a happy ending. Or, happy present, whatever,"

Marvin nods slowly and thoughtfully, digesting this in with everything else she's told him. He wants to ask more, but he can't think of the questions. This all feels like a mush of befuddlement on his brain, and he knows he feels sorry for her and he knows he feels sad and he knows that he wants to talk to Mom about this when he gets home. A tiny part of him wants to forget about this all, but a larger part of him knows that it'll be on his mind for ages. He hopes that won't think _Infertility. Can't have kids. Infertile _every time he looks at Aunt Robin- but honestly, Marvin can't be sure that he won't. And he can't help what he thinks.

Hesitantly, Marvin leans over and kisses her cheek.

**Thanks for reading, please drop me a review. I love paralleling chapters in this fic, so at some point I will definitely do Barney version of these types of conversations. **


	40. Screens and Green

**I got the inspiration for this chapter when visiting family on Hallowe'en (hence why it wasn't published ****_on _****Hallowe'en), and was written while blasting out Christmas music...ah, November is awesome :- )**

Screens and Green

_October 30th 2022_

"Die die die!"

Toadette tips off the edge of the Bowser's Castle drawbridge into the flames below.

"D_amn!" _Daisy groans, while Marvin cheers himself and jams his thumb on the A button to accelerate, swerving round the corner into the home straight of his first lap. He's lying on his stomach on the rug wearing his R2D2 onesie, feet in the air. On the couch behind, Daisy's wearing her cowprint onesie and sitting beside Barney, while Anna and Robin are on the adjacent loveseat. It's the day before Hallowe'en and Marshall and Lily are out at The Captain's art reception in Manhattan. The kids know how much their Uncle Barney and Aunt Robin love Hallowe'en costumes, so they were keen to dress up too, but Marshall wants to keep their official costumes (Marvin as Harry Potter, Anna as Ron Weasley, Daisy as Hermione Granger, Marshall as Professor Dumbledore and Lily as Professor McGonagall) in perfect condition until tomorrow. He was able to convince the kids that wearing their onesies counted as dressing up tonight. Anna's onesie is tiger-striped, complete with ears on the hood, the orange clashing splendidly with her hair. She's sitting next to Robin on the loveseat, playing a game on the iPad. Robin's ditched her heels and heavy Medusa headdress, leaving her in a green dress and covered in green facepaint. She makes the odd impressed comment to Anna about whatever game she's playing, but her focus is on her husband. He's wearing a Green Lantern morphsuit (nylon fabric perfect for pinching, especially considering how tight his ass looks in it...not that Robin's thinking about that right now. Pfft, no way...), and happily commentating on the Mario Kart race and has his left arm stretched across the back of the couch. Daisy's leaning into him slightly, her elbow against his side and his armpit brushing on the top of her head. Robin cocks her head, eyeing them, wondering how Barney does this; this easy, nonchalant physical closeness. Yes, he rough-houses with them and gives them ostentatiously syrupy cuddles (sometimes Robin finds it cute; sometimes it's cloying and cringey), but this is different; it's subtle and unacknowledged. Tousling the kids' hair, stroking their backs, lifting them onto his lap, pressing his thumb to the nape of their necks, dropping light kisses on them, sitting like he is now so that they're ever so slightly touching. They'd all carved pumpkins earlier, and Barney had been helping Marvin; standing behind him holding the pumpkin still while Marvin carved. He'd had his elbows squeezed into Marvin's sides and his mouth on the back of the boy's head, muttering directions and suggestions and kisses into his hair. Robin had been carving Anna's pumpkin and watching them from the corner of her eye. Barney had looked big and protective... there was something so loving about the way his green chest would skim against Marvin's fluffy robot back. They were both too busy carving the pumpkin to notice- in fact, Robin doubts that Barney realises he does all these little touches. That's what makes it so sweet.

And because Barney's so relaxed about being like that around the kids, they're the same back. That's _why _Daisy's sitting as close to him as she is, with his bicep grazing against her hair. Robin doesn't know if Daisy would sit beside _her _like that...but Robin isn't sure that she'd want her to. Sure, Robin can hug and hold kids, and if one of them hurls themself onto her lap she can put up with them there for five minutes before their wriggling and boniness becomes too uncomfortable. She can hug them hello and kiss them goodnight and join in with a tickle-fight, but she has no idea how Barney can be so casual about giving them so much subtle contact. And she knows that _because _she doesn't know how he does it- heck, because she even notices it at all- it'd seem awkward and forced coming from her. Why is she so damn nervous about holding kids? It was the holding aspect, more than anything else, which freaked her out about babies, but she got the hang of it through the five babies born into the gang. Perhaps it did always feel like A Big Deal though, that whenever she was given a baby she'd have to calm herself, remember to breathe, repeat DON'T DROP IT SUPPORT THE HEAD SUPPORT THE HEAD DON'T DROP IT internally to herself. She certainly felt that way when Marvin and Daisy were babies at least. Perhaps that Big Deal mentality about holding kids is why she's so nervous about being tactile around them now.

"Yes! Yes! Winner stays on!" Marvin whoops as he finishes the race in first place, "Your turn, Uncle Barney,"

Daisy shoves the controller to Barney, then flops down on her back on the sofa (Robin registers that she's no longer touching him, then mentally kicks herself for registering it).

"My name is Princess Peach. You killed my father. Prepare to die," Barney hisses.

"I don't think that Peach has a dad," Daisy corrects.

"No, it's from a film," Barney explains, "'S your dad never shown you _Princess Bride_?"

"He shows us a lot of old movies," Marvin shrugs, "_Star Wars _are the only ones I care about,"

The race begins and the boys shut up abruptly, concentrating. Robin glances at Anna, and dares herself to put her arm around her (_what are you, Scherbatsky, a twelve-year-old boy?)_. She shuffles over closer to Anna, and glances at the screen to see what the five-year-old is actually doing. It's a jigsaw game, and Anna seems to be completing it quickly so Robin figures it's designed for younger kids. She gets that, though- when you're tired it's therapeutic to do something familiar and easy. _See, you understand her. She's not some alien, she's a person like you. _It frustrates Robin that she still has to remind herself of that even ten years after the first of the gang's kids was born. _Okay, talk to her. Distract her with a conversation so she doesn't notice you launching yourself on her like an awkward octopus. _She's thinking it through too much; the thing with Barney is it's so natural. Robin remembers the last time they visited Barney's mom; Loretta gives her sons a similar type of understated, contact physical contact as Barney gives his nephews and nieces. Barney grew up with that kind of affection as the norm so he's very so casual about it now; in his experience, that's how you behave around kids. Holding their hands and stroking their backs is how you show them you love them. Robin wouldn't say that she was frozen out by her own parents, but growing up there certainly weren't as many kisses and hair-ruffles in her family as in the Stinson household. _You're totally Tedding out about this, you know? Barney can do all this physical stuff because he _doesn't _analyse it, doesn't think about it. And the kids don't realise that they do it to him back. Nobody gets caught up on this like you do- so just go for it. _

_"_Hey, you're doing well with that," Robin announces, sliding over towards Anna and draping an arm around her.

"Yeah. It's easy. 'M waitin' for Dad to let me download the better..." she struggles to think of the word, "The harder one,"

"The better version?" Robin prompts, her arm feeling like hanging dead weight. At least Anna hasn't clocked though, which is a relief because Robin doesn't know what she'd answer is Anna asked what she was doing. Fortunately the kid's eyes are glued to the puzzle.

"Yeah," she confirms, then repeats the word to herself, "Version". She drags the final piece into place. A 'WELL DONE!' flashes up onscreen in large pink capitals, and then the next puzzle appears. Robin risks drifting her hand into Anna's hair and running her fingers through. Lily's a fan of the female-best-friends-PDA but Robin always found it unnecessary, so she hasn't touched a girl's hair in ages. Barney loves having his hair stroked; his feels spiky and bristly, even when he isn't wearing gel in it. Anna hair, by contrast, is straight and smooth, and there's much more of it for Robin to smooth her hand over. _Okay. This is okay. This isn't too weird. Just keep doing this. _She wonders briefly if Anna gets teased for being ginger. In Canada redheaded kids seemed exotic and cool, but Robin reckons it'll be different in for New York kids. Like her Mom though, Anna can be spiky and answer back, so Robin doesn't feel worried about her.

"Craaap," Barney hisses, as he accidentally steers Peach into the Sherbet Land ice. Three of the computer-controlled cars whizz past, leaving Peach in seventh place.

"Heh," chuckles Marvin, who's in second place as Wario.

"Right, this is serious," Barney mutters to himself, clenching his jaw and leaning forward. Robin eyes the tempting white zip at the back of his neck. She imagines snagging it between her teeth and unzipping; nipping and licking and nibbling her way down Barney's back. Half of her wants to rub and pinch him through the morphsuit; feel what his body feels like under the nylon, and half of her wants to peel the tight suit off him. She eyes the fabric stretching over Barney's back; imagines it going slack again once she's pulled it off his shoulders. Recently he'd lost a little weight round his stomach, so the suit would slip down his waist easily. She'd pull the suit down over the gym leggings he's wearing underneath, and off his feet and-

"Aunt Robin why're you all red?" Daisy pipes up.

"Oh," Robin jumps, "Um...kinda hot in here, isn't it?"

"Not really," Daisy answers unhelpfully. She's stretched her legs out, so her feet are propped on Barney's leg. (_Dammit, stop noticing that!)._

"Well, you're wearing a onesie," Robin points out, "I'm only in a dress,"

Daisy doesn't answer- Robin likes that about kids; if they don't have anything to say they don't say anything, instead of forcing a conversation. _Anyway, _she instructs herself _focus on Anna, not how good your husband looks in- or out of- green lycra. _

Quitting stroking Anna's hair, Robin reaches round the kid's shoulder, taking hold of the side of the iPad with one hand. Her arms are now sort of encircling Anna, but not in a hugging way. Anna yawns, shuffles up, slumps her head on Robin's knee without pausing from matching the jigsaw pieces into the slots. _Hey, this is nice. It's like having a cat- no, don't think of her as a pet, she's a person. _

"Final lap!" Marvin squeals. He's dropped down to fourth place, while Barney's climbed to third.

"Go Peach, go!"

_As we were saying- hey, this is nice. Anna leaning on me, quietly playing her game. My arm on her warm shoulder; the noise from the Nintendo and the iPad; the boys growling at the TV; Daisy lolling around on the couch. See, it wasn't too difficult, was it?_

Robin lasts a whole ten minutes before getting uncomfortable and nudging Anna off her. But hey, it's progress.

**Thanks for reading, have a great week.**

**PS- Any Teddish grammar fans out there- Microsoft word disagrees with me that morphsuit, facepaint and cowprint are all one word, but I'm sticking to my guns.**


	41. Obcecado

Obcecado

_July 2029_

You sip your coffee and stand by the open French windows, watching the two figures lounging on the grass outisde; the dark-haired girl wearing a white t-shirt, pink denim shorts and lime green sunglasses, and the tall guy in the suit and the black Aviators. He's taken his jacket and tie off and rolled the sleeves on his navy blue shirt up, but it's still a juxtaposition next to Penny, who looks as if she's dressed for the beach. You can hear them chatting and snickering together, though you're not near enough to catch the words.

They have always been like this. Your daughter and your second best friend have always been close, and you admit that they have similar personalities. Both good liars, both partiers (boy, is that one getting difficult to handle these days, and you know that those arguments are only going to get worse when Penny starts high school in the Autumn), they both revel in attention, and they both have hot tempers. In fact, close as they are, those hot tempers do seem to set Barney and Penny at a love/hate standing. There's no doubt that they enjoy winding each other up, and they have been known to have blazing rows during Thanksgivings or 4th of July barbeques. You don't count your daughter as blameless in these arguments, because she does like the cause trouble- but since Barney's the adult you reckon that he should be able to keep his cool better than he does. Or at least he shouldn't _start_ provoking her...

...It's taken you years to notice that he does that rather a lot; toy with your children's emotions. Hurt them. Marshall, when the children were younger, would hurl your kids around like ragdolls and they'd scream with laughter- but there'd be one time when they'd get injured, and you'd say quietly to Marshall later, "D'you mind not being so rough with them? I know your kids can handle that, but mine aren't as used to Vanilla Thunder". Perhaps Barney's the same way, except he's...emotionally rough with them. Okay, that sounds dumb, but that's how it seems. And because he isn't Marshall so the kids don't get bumped heads and grazed elbows, you don't notice, Barney doesn't notice, Luke and Penny don't notice. But they still get hurt.

When they were little, they'd quarrel about who got to play with Uncle Barney first. You and Robin would roll your eyes at each other, and Barney would grin that manically smug grin of his while Luke and Penny squabbled over him. And sometimes you kind of thought that he...encouraged them to be like that. He'd play them off against each other. (And then, of course, he could sweep in and be Barney The Peacemaker and fix the fight). You could never put your finger on when or how, because Barney's so exceptional at manipulation that you never realise when he's manipulating. You don't reckon that _he realises _that he does it; yes, he can be manipulative on purpose, but you know that we wouldn't do that with children, especially children who worship him as much as your kids do already. You just think that, honestly, he does forget that other people have feelings. He forgets that the world isn't a giant playground designed for him to have fun in. He forgets that proving to himself that he's the most important person in the world can lead to him trampling over other people's feelings.

When all eleven of you hung out together, you'd keep your eye on Marvin, Daisy and Anna. And you concluded that they were more ambivalent towards Barney than your kids were. They thought he was super cool and they loved his magic and how he'd tease their parents and was even more of a big kid than Marshall, but they weren't as...giddy about him as Luke and Penny. Honestly, this didn't come as much of a surprise because, well... over the years it has been brought to your attention by a number of people that you are somewhat obsessed with Barney Stinson. First, it was Lily (of course it was Lily).

"Why do you like that guy?" she'd asked a few weeks into your bro-ing out with Barney, "He's such a creep,"

"He's fun!" you'd protested, "I want to have fun sometimes; go to clubs, meet girls,"

"You hate clubbing," she'd answered darkly.

By a few months later, however, Barney not only been bro-ing out with you but become a fixture at your booth. Marshall was sceptical.

"Are you sure about him?"

"Marshall, he's cool. He loves Star Wars like we do, he's got your immature sense of humour..."

"Yeah, but...dude's kind of nasty,"

"That's only goofing around,"

"I don't mean to us, I mean...you've seen how he is around women. Some of that stuff's terrible. Like, really messed up. He lies to a girl, he sleeps with her, he ditches her, he laughs about it,"

"No offence Marshall, but you're not in the game. You've never been in the game. You and Lily have been together since college- you don't know what it's like for a guy to try to get laid out in the real world!"

"Okay, okay," he conceded, holding his hands up in surrender, "You don't see him how Lily and I see him. You've been swept off your feet by this handsome guy in a suit-"

"-I'm not a Jane Austen heroine-"

"-And I think you should watch out for yourself around him. He doesn't seem completely kosher to me. And no way is he becoming an official part of our gang..."

But he had done, and Marshall and Lily had ended up accepting him, liking him, loving him. And then Robin had appeared on the scene. And you began dating her. And you planned to move in together. And Barney stole your van.

"Why d'you let him bully you like that?" Robin had complained later that evening.

"I had _literally_ no choice! He stole everything I own apart from a sword and a box of pot lids. What was I supposed to do?" you'd answered defensively, pricked by her use of the word 'bully'. You're his friend, not some kid he's shoved into a locker in middle school.

"Tell him he's certifiably insane then call the cops," she suggests, deadpan.

"I _would_ have called the cops if I hadn't worked out where he'd hidden the damn truck. I reckon he's panicked about me moving in with you; you know he doesn't like change,"

"Are you seriously giving him the benefit of the doubt?"

"I was mad at him earlier, but honestly we did have fun tonight. He was just trying to give me a night of war games and booze before I moved out to Brooklyn,"

"And he couldn't_ ask_ you if you wanted to play laser tag and hang in the bar- no, he had to steal your removal van and all your stuff," she'd huffed, "Look, your nutcase friend's fun for a while, but a sometimes I don't understand why you haven't stabbed him,"

Over the years, your other girlfriends had picked up on it too.

"I know that he got his heart broke, but changing his entire personality? That's bonkers. He made himself into a sly, sexist jerk. He _made a deliberate decision_ to be that way. Most nice guys like you wouldn't be friends with a guy like that," said Victoria on Game Night.

"Considering you've broken up with him as a friend, you talk about him an awful lot," Stella noted once during the weeks you and Barney weren't talking.

Arguing with Zoey about the Arcadian one time, she'd thrown you a withering glare and snarled, "Fine. I get it. You choose him,"

"He flew to Canada, tracked down his fiancé's ex-boyfriends and then got beat up by Alan Thicke. That guy is _crazy._ You are_ obsessed_ with him," Jeanette told you as she examined the remnants of your TV screen which she'd just smashed.

You disregarded these accusations, but a couple of years after you got together, Tracy had brought up that word. Obsessed. Tracy, who is so good at seeing through people and whose opinion you trust more than anybody else's.

"I'm not," you'd insisted, but she must have been able to tell that she'd got you thinking, because she'd twigged an eyebrow and asked, "Want me explain?"

You'd made a vague head-movement and Tracy had taken it as the 'yes' which it was; "He regularly creates havoc for you. He once set you on fire. He ditched your GNB design idea for a dinosaur-shaped strip-club. And you still hung out with him. Oh, and you were totally happy to move to Chicago for him to be happy with your ex-girlfriend, who you were in love with,"

"That was before you!" you protested, because anything you felt for Robin (or thought you felt for her) pales in comparison to what you feel for Tracy.

"I know. That's not the point. You wanted Barney to be happy so much that you were willing to give up your career- your life! - in New York,"

"It wasn't all for him," you'd argued, "It was so Robin could be happy too. And to persuade myself to stop pining after her; give myself a fresh start,"

"Ted, you regularly say that Barney's a sociopath. You have, on multiple occasions, called him the devil. You know he's done lots of bad things- to you- yet you never give up on him,"

"Maybe that's cos I'm a good friend," you'd pointed out, "And look, he's not totally evil. He can be nice,"

"I know. I think he's very nice... alright, a bit nice," she'd replied, "When I first met him, before I knew you, I told him he was a good guy. It was pretty much the first thing I ever said to him. But most people wouldn't have put up with all the bad stuff he's done- intentionally or not- to you. And the _reason _you put up with it is because you're obsessed with him,"

And so perhaps it's no wonder that your children are happy to be strung along, messed about, let down by their Uncle Barney. It's literally in their DNA. And the Erikson trio are more ambivalent about him because Marshall's always been that way. He loves him but they're...they've never been entangled like you and Barney have (metaphorically! Only metaphorically!). Perhaps it's to do with you both in that love triangle Robin for a few months (a few years...your feelings for her crept up on you intermittently and unexpectedly, and Barney's so emotionally secretive and erratic that you could never tell when he was or wasn't falling in and out of love with her), or because of all your bro-ings out together, or because you got to know him first. Whatever the reason, you concede that perhaps everyone's been right- maybe you _are _obsessed with him. And you see it reflected in your children.

* * *

And when he isn't playing Cat's Cradle with your kids' loyalties, reliability isn't exactly Barney's strong suit. He'll lose them in a cinema or at the park. He'll say he'll bring them home by seven, and when you call at twenty past to ask where they are he'll reply dramatically, "Crap, I forgot! It's okay, though, right? Eight-thirty, we'll totally be home by eight-thirty. Promise". He'll get them home eventually, but it pisses you off when you have to drag them out of bed the next morning.

Luke's eleven now so he's grown out of most of his allergies, but when he was five you found a couple of Snickers wrappers in his coat pocket. "You didn't eat these, did you, Luke?" you'd demanded, panicking.

"Nah," he shrugged carelessly, "Uncle Barney bought them at the park but I remembered I'm not s'pos'd to eat Snickers. I got Penny to check the in-greed-ents and it had peanuts so I didn't. Uncle Barney bought me popcorn instead. I had the wrappers in my coat cos Penny didn't have pockets,"

"Good boy. You're my big sensible boy, aren't you?" you'd said, giving him a one-armed hug. But inside you'd thought _He's a freaking five-year-old! It isn't his responsibility to check for peanuts! You're the Goddamn adult, Barney, you can't go giving him stuff like that! What if something had happened?_

You're not fuddy-duddy about anybody drinking alcohol in front of your kids- you do it all the time- but Barney'll knock back three, four, five beers of scotches or glasses of wine when he's out with you and your kids, and you know that he doesn't have any qualms about doing the same if you weren't there. And you've got far too much experience of Drunk Barney to be comfortable about having him supervise your children.

Sometimes you did call him out on his carelessness; "Dude, you're an hour late. They've got school on the morning,"

"I'm sorry, Ted- we were having too much fun!"

Or; "Penny says she lost you for a while at the zoo,"

"Yeah, she wandered off- but only for a little while, she wanted to see the penguins,"

"Well, can you keep an eye on her in future, please?" (you'd hated how you sounded like a headteacher), "She's only nine; she gets distracted so you gotta keep track of her,"

"I know. I'll remember," he'd promised, smiling his sincere smile.

"Yeah. Yeah, do," you'd insisted, sounding useless.

Or; "How much have you drunk today?"

He'd scratched his head. "Some. A bit. Four, maybe. Beers at the Yankees is expensive, right?"

This was a few weeks after the Snickers incident, so your anger gave you the guts to call him out directly.

You took deep breath and said firmly, "Can you please not drink so much when you're out with Luke and Penny,"

"What d'you mean?"

"You shou-... stick to one or two, could you? When it's just you and them,"

"What are you talking about?...Has Lily put you up to this; she keeps trying to make us cut down-"

"No, Lily hasn't put me up to this. It's not about you, okay? Not everything_ is_. It's about my children, and I don't want them getting lost or hurt or you daring them to do some stupid thing,"

"What the-? When have I ever done that?!"

"How long have you got?" you'd drawled.

"You're bullshitting, Ted, you're absolutely bullsh-"

"For God's sake, don't start swearing, my kids are in the next room,"

"Another thing to add to the increasingly long list of things I'm apparently not allowed to do around your children,"

"Yeah, and this is _why! _Because you're...you always do the wrong damn things!" you'd hissed. You'd only meant to talk to him about the booze but the Snickers wrappers are on your mind and you're mad at him for that. You've got every right to be mad at him if he puts your children in danger, be it because of allergies or alcohol or anything else, "You've got no concept of responsibility and you-"

"What are you two arguing about?" Tracy asked, appearing in the kitchen doorway. She looked as if she was expecting it to be trivial bickering about _Star Wars_ or fantasy football, but the second she saw the anger on your face and the hurt on Barney's, she could tell that it's something more serious. A long pause followed while you and Barney tried to work out what to say, and Tracy glanced between the two of you.

Eventually Barney replied darkly, "Nothing. I was going". He'd glared at you, pecked Tracy's cheek and left the kitchen. You'd heard him mumble a goodbye to the kids, and then the front door slammed shut.

Tracy gave you her interrogator stare. "What was that about?"

"I'm not obsessed with him. He's obsessed with me," you'd muttered, "I mentioned to him that he should drink less around the kids and he got mad at me. He's nuts. Dude's seriously _insane,"_

"You should have left it to me," Tracy pointed out, "He listens to me,"

"Barney doesn't listen to anybody except for the voice in his head telling him to do whatever he wants," you scowled.

Tracy paused and you could tell she was trying to figure out how to respond, but before she could, Luke had come skidding excitedly into the kitchen.

"I heard you and Uncle Barney shouting- are you gonna have a fight?!"

* * *

Look, it isn't as if everything he does worries you. The _point _of godfathers is to spoil kids, let them get away with murder, run upstairs to play with them and within five minutes have all of their marble-runs, train sets, cars, art kits, action figures, dolls, stuffed animals and Lego spread out on the bedroom floor like an explosion in a toy shop. When Barney does those things it's exasperating, but not a big deal. They're having fun and your kids are happy, and all children need an adult in their lives to come in and throw caution into the wind. But, well, what Barney does isn't so much as throwing caution into the wind as fast-bowling caution into the hurricane. He's so desperate to be liked and he's got a childish disposition anyway, so sometimes you reckon he thinks he's their best friend...which would be okay if he also remembered that he was an adult as well.

And then there's the opposite times, when he's suddenly cold and stony around the kids. It's those moments when you wonder if he's mad at you for having children. Once or twice you've not met up with him because you've been busy with the Luke or Penny, and he's snapped at you. Sometimes you catch him looking at you and Luke with a twisted expression on his face, and you wonder if he feels jealous or left out. You want to ask him but you're not sure how to bring it up, and you always chicken out when you consider talking to Tracy or Robin about it. Barney's emotions have always been unpredictable and unreadable, so it could be anything, you reckon. Or perhaps you're just imagining it- you are obsessed with him after all (you say to yourself, with a wince).

To be fair- though you're not sure to who- it's been getting easier as your children have got older. In the last couple of years you reckon that Penny's stopped worshiping the ground Barney walks on and started to grasp that...well, grasp the idea that Barney's incredibly narcissistic, selfish, deceitful, manipulative. She knows all this but she still hangs out with him (...like father like daughter). You reckon that now they are _friends;_ two people who get on because they're very similar, rather than the kind of idolisation present when she was younger. But she's fourteen and has all that teenage moodiness and barbed insecurity which Barney might accidentally start hurling bowling balls at. You should sit her down one day and explain everything; the things about him you reckon she's worked out by now, and the things which she hasn't. She knows by now to take him with a pinch of salt, but...dammit, you should have sat them down one day and explained everything about him when they were little- no you shouldn't have, that would be making him blameless; excusing Barney of the responsibility you wish he would take.

...you happen to catch your reflection in the French windows; you're frowning and concentrated, deep in thought...ha, you really are obsessed with him aren't you? A glance at your watch tell you that you've been chewing in these thoughts for a good twenty minutes by now. You shake your head hoping to clear your mind, and call out to the figures sprawled on the grass.

"Hey, you two,"

"Yeah?" Barney and Penny answer simultaneously, both rolling over onto their fronts to face you. (You note that Barney's shirt is unbuttoned down to his stomach and you can't help but think _God, that guy is looking good for fifty-two. _He must still work out a ton to have a chest that ripped. Occasionally, you and Tracy gossip about if Barney's had Botox. It's the sort of thing he'd be up for- but he can be squeamish, and he might be in complete denial about aging at all. You'd ask Robin, although to be honest you have your suspicions that she's had work done too, or at least that she'd be willing to).

"Dad, what d'you want?" Penny asks, jumping you out of ogling your best friend's torso.

"Nothing, I..." you mumble, then reply more clearly, "Hey, do you want a popsicle?"

"Red one!" shouts Penny.

"Green!" Barney answers.

She casts him a disdainful look, "_Green?"_

"Ah, Penelope, you in your boring little world of the most popular popsicle flavours. I bet you don't like white jellybeans either, do you?" he sighs dramatically, loud enough for you to hear.

"No," she replies, "They're gross. What are they supposed to be anyway, lemon?"

"Lemon's yellow, dumbass,"

"Coconut?"

"Yeah, I reckon. Anyway, you've shut yourself up into a little boring-flavours box, missing out on the thrill of the white jellybean, the green popsicle, the blue M&amp;Ms..."

You leave Barney to his waffling and Penny to her pretending-to-be-bored-with-him eye-rolling, and fetch them each a popsicle, and a yellow one for yourself. You head back out into the garden, tossing a popsicle to them each- and then you plop yourself down onto the grass beside them.

"Why're you here, Dad?" Penny asks with typical teenage bluntness.

_Because you two are joking right now but I know that in two minutes you could be having a shouting match. Because I'm not entirely convinced that he's stopped playing his manipulative games with you and your brother. Because sometimes I suspect that a tiny part of him hates you and us. Because I _do _trust him, but not one hundred per cent. Because I'm your dad. _

"Just keeping an eye on you."


	42. Vending Machine

_What has happened to it all?_  
_Crazy, some are saying_  
_Where is the life that I recognize?_  
_Gone away_

_But I won't cry for yesterday_  
_There's an ordinary world_  
_Somehow I have to find_

\- Duran Duran

Vending Machine

_2024_

"I hate you!" Penny explodes, thumping her fist on the side of the bed, forgetting that it's metal and then howling, "Oww!"

"Oh, come here," says Tracy gently, leaning over her bed's rail to stroke her daughter's arm, "Come give me a cuddle,"

"_No! I..._I hate it here! Why d'you have to get sick, Mommy? You ruined _everything!" _Penny screams, "I hate you for getting sick, I-"

"Hey pal, shall we go check out the vending machine?" Robin whispers to Luke. He nods vigorously. Tracy shoots Robin a look which is both grateful and a grimace, while Ted attempts to restrain his daughter.

….Robin doesn't blame Penny for hating it here.

Out in the corridor, Luke slumps into Robin's side. At first she thinks he might be crying and she puts an arm around him, but then he sighs deeply and runs a hand Teddishly through his hair.

"Tired?" Robin asks quietly.

He nods and closes his eyes. "I don't like this," he states wearily.

"I know. I don't think any of us do,"

"Penny's _always _angry since Mommy got sick. She was angry before but now she's angry _the whole time '_Nd Daddy's not right and he forgets to cut the crusts off my sandwiches,"

"But your Grandma and Grandpa Clint are gonna visit, right? That'll be fun,"

Tracy went into hospital ten days ago, leaving Ted marooned at home with the kids. Officially he's 'working from home' so he can take care of Luke and Penny, although Robin doubts that he's produced anything in the last couple of weeks. He's got much bigger things to worry about. The gang have been taking turns accompanying him and the kids to hospital; Barney and Lily had warned Robin that it wasn't going to be fun, so she was prepared for Ted being nervy, Tracy looking pale and frail, and Penny having a meltdown. Luke's been overlooked somewhat due to Penny's tantrums, and the fact that at six years old he doesn't grasp the gravity of the situation. Barney reckons that that makes it all the more confusing for him.

"Yeah. 'Nd Grandpa Clint says he's gonna come to school to do a song for show and tell,"

"Ah, you might wanna check with your dad before that, buddy," Robin recommends.

Virginia and Clint are coming to stay next week, which will hopefully make everything easier on Ted- because as much as accompanying visits to the hospital makes Robin feel like she's helping, what Ted really needs is someone else around at home.

"Can we get chips?" Luke asks, "You said we could get chips from the machine,"

"I did, didn't I? Come on, let's go find it,"

Luke speeds off down the corridor and through the double-doors into a subsequent corridor.

"Where are we?" Luke asks, stopping abruptly, "I thought the machines were here,"

"Yeah, I thought so, too...perhaps we went the wrong way or something?". Why does everywhere in a hospital look the same?

"We're lost. Cool!". It occurs to Robin briefly that this is a Teddishly optimistic statement- and then she realises that it could also just as easily come out of her husband's mouth.

There's no rush to get them back in Tracy's room- in fact Robin might as well kill as much time as possible, so she prods Luke in the back and says, "Alright, little man, where do we go?"

"Can I choose?"

"Yup,"

Luke looks both, considers and points down the corridor, "This way,"

They set off, Luke trotting ahead happily.

"Last week the man at 'ception gave me a lollipop," he reveals, "'Nd I'm not even sick!"

"Cool,"

"Yeah. That's what I like about it here. I don't like everything else, but Mommy has to stay here," he continues casually. Robin realises abruptly that last time she's spoken to him, on the phone about a week ago, he'd asked if she knew when his Mom was coming home. 'Err, no,' she'd answered, thrown, 'Soon, hopefully'. He hasn't asked today. Robin guesses that that means he's become more accepting of the situation- and that feels sad. Kids are adaptable, but Luke now being so blasé about Tracey being seems like he's forgotten what life was like before his Mom got sick. He just doesn't understand what's going on. Yeah, Robin gets why Barney feels sorry for him.

"Le's go this way!" Luke declares when they arrive at the next fork in the corridor, "One time I got lost in the mall,"

"Oh yeah? What happened?"

"Penny needed new shoes and she was taking _aaages_, and I was bored, and I...got lost,"

"And did they ever find you, or are you lost in the mall forever?"

"I'm found now, Aunt Robin. 'S how I'm here," Luke answers, not getting that she was joking, "I found a security 'nd they did a 'nnouncement on the big speaker,"

"Wow,"

"Yeah. It was cool. Hey! There's the machine!"

"Right, let's get some snacks,"

Luke shoves his face up against the vending's machine's glass, peering up at the rows of chips and candy. "I want cheese and onion!"

"Okay, one cheese and onion," Robin hands Luke the dollar bill, but he can't reach to put it in the slot. After a split-second of hesitation, Robin picks him up.

"You see the code, right?"

"Yeah. One-two-nine," Luke replies, feeding the dollar into the machine and jamming his thumb on the number buttons.

"Here it comes!" he commentates as the packet of chips wobbles out of its row, and falls down. Luke wriggles out of Robin's arms and jumps onto the floor to retrieve it from the slot.

"Open it," he demands, shoving it at Robin, then adds, "What one do you want?"

She opens the packet, hands it back to him, and glances at the machine.

"Uh, Nerds. What shall we get for the others? Prawn cocktail's your dad's favourite- what does Penny like?"

"Roast chicken number one, ready salted number two, prawn cocktail number three," Luke recites.

"What about Mom?"

"...Mom likes candy more than chips. Milk Duds are her favourite. Aw, this is gonna be so cool, there's gonna be four of them all falling down," he mutters to himself excitedly. Robin finds a five-dollar bill in her purse and picks Luke up again so he can study the numbers (Ted reckons Luke's good at math, but Robin reckons that 'good at math' in pre-K doesn't count for much).

"Got it?"

"Yeah!". He shoves the bill into the machine and thumbs the four codes in in quick succession (Marvin, Robin reckons, would check with her before entering them. Luke's more bombastic) and squeals happily as the packets of chips and candy drop from their rows.

Luke cuddles into Robin further and announces, "I love vending machines!"

**Thanks for reading. The last chapter hardly got any feedback, so please review that chapter/this chapter/both. Thank you :- )**


	43. Turquoise Grapefruit

Turquoise Grapefruit

**16****th**** November 2017, Westchester**

"How did we get here, eh?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, imagine if you and I hadn't stayed in touch after college. Or if, you know, if anything had happened. If I hadn't got on with Lily or something. There's so many things which could have meant that we weren't here,"

"…here, with your son in bed with my daughter,"

"Hey, it was your idea," Ted points out.

Six-week-old Luke is asleep in his crib, with seven-month-old Anna beside him. Their dads are leaning on the crib, watching the babies. Ted wishes Marshall would acknowledge the weird beauty of it; the strange completeness of two friends of twenty years watching their babies sleep.

"Hopefully she won't wake up when we put her in the car. And the older two are pretty good at sleeping through a drive," notes Marshall.

Ted nods, reflecting about how small Luke is compared to Anna. He looks swamped by his blue onesie; Anna looks much sturdier.

"By the way, Lily still wants to do that joint first Christmas photoshoot thing,"

"Oh, right. Yeah, that is gonna be cute. How are we gonna do it, though. I mean, are we really gonna take them to a studio? Can any of us afford that right now?"

Ted used to forlornly anticipate that once he and Marshall had families, and moved away from each other and Manhattan, that talking about money (or lack thereof) would become awkward- but it hasn't. In fact, in some ways it's easier how that they're no longer sharing a rent and both understand the inevitable costs of kids' clothes, diapers, "family shop"s and a decent car.

"I guess we could do it ourselves," Marshall suggests.

"What, on camera phones? I thought we wanted it to be nice. Special,"

"Guess I could ask around at work if anyone can take pho-"

"Robin!"

"What about her?"

"Didn't Robin take photos for you when Marvin was born?"

"Did she? Honestly, I was too tired to remember anything that day,"

"I eloped with a runaway bride, Barney got engaged to a stripper. It was kind of a big day,"

"Right, so you can remember everything that happened on October fourteenth, when Luke was a week old?"

"Well, uh-"

"Exactly. Now you know what life with a new-born's like, how d'you expect me to remember who took Marvin's baby photo,"

"Look, trust me, Robin did. She did some photography course as part of her journalism degree, I think she's got a decent camera,"

"That _is _cool. And she even kind of likes babies now,"

"That's sorted then. I'll give her call,"

* * *

**3****rd**** December 2017, Brooklyn**

"Just leave it. I won't kill us not to have her in a Santa hat,"

"But it matches Luke's Christmas tree hat!"

"Robin, you're photographer, your call,"

"The hat goes,"

Reluctantly, Lily removes the hat from where Anna knocked it off.

"That's better, right Anna?" says Tracy, adjusting Luke so that he's sitting up more and visible behind the sign and the pile of presents.

"Okay, hands out the way," Robin orders, kneeling behind the camera again and taking a couple of shots, "You either need to straighten that sign or get rid of it. By which I mean you need to get rid of it,"

"But it says their first Christmas!" Lily protests.

"We can put a textbox on the photo. Or in the card; we don't need to have _Anna Willow and Luke Jack Inishmore, First Christmas 2017 _blocking them," Robin scoffs. She tosses it aside onto the increasingly mountainous pile of discarded props and bits of set (…Lily had gone somewhat overboard).

"We could make a smaller one with just their first names?" Tracy suggests.

"Why does everyone always call babies by their middle names?" Robin points out.

"Ask Barney- he does it more than anyone," Tracy shrugs.

"That's cos he _gave _Marvin his middle name, and now he's excited that Anna's spell Awe," says Lily.

"I keep meaning to ask- was that deliberate?" Tracy asks Lily.

"If Barney paid you, I don't want to know how much it was," Robin adds, putting her hands over her ears.

"He's more desperate than Lily even is for Anna and Luke to marry each other, because then they can hyphenate their surnames and call their kid Stephen Oliver or something so it's initials are SOME," Tracy explains.

"Oh honey, you think that's news?" drawls Robin, "AWE and SOME is all he's been talking about for months". She clicks the camera a couple more times, catching Luke as he blows a little bubble between his lips.

"Aw, I bet that one was cute," says Tracy, peering over to see the photo.

"Nah, Anna had her eyes closed. Why is photographing babies so damn hard?" Robin mutters.

"Come on, sweetheart, big smile," prompts Lily, prodding her daughter.

"You know you'd never have done that to Marvin when he was a baby," Robin notes.

"That was a long time and two kids ago. Once you're onto your third kid you'll do whatever it takes to get stuff done,"

"That's why Ted and I are stopping at two," Tracy puts in.

"Lily said that after Daisy was born- and now look where we are," Robin reminds them.

"Did I say that?"

"Yeah. Like, _loads _of times. 'One boy one girl, two kids two parents, don't want to buy a minivan'- all that stuff,"

"We haven't bought a minivan,"

Tracy and Robin look at each other. "They're totally buying a minivan," Tracy stage-whispers.

Lily looks shifty, and waves a toy rabbit in front of the babies in an attempt to make them smile and look the same way. Anna's eyes follow and she gives a gummy smile. Luke just looks bored.

"Is it true that babies only see in black and white until they're six months old?" Robin asks.

"No, I think that's 2D," says Tracy.

"_They only see in 2D?_ That is so weird,"

"So right now Anna sees this bunny as it is, and Luke sees the bunny like it's in the same place as the wall, the camera and his foot," says Lily.

"And it's all in black and white,"

"…that explains why he doesn't care about the bunny," sighs Tracy.

* * *

**13****th**** January 2032, Westchester**

"I mean, what is even going on there?"

"Why am I wearing that dumb Christmas tree hat?"

"Our faces are so 'just can't deal' it's unreal,"

"We look so bored," Luke laughs. The two fourteen-year-olds are peering at the photo on the den wall. There's about twenty photos in total up there- mostly Luke and Penny, some Ted and Tracy, a few of all four of them, some of extended and honorary family, and a few pictures of assorted randomers Luke doesn't recognise. Him and Anna are studying the one of themselves as disgruntled-looking babies.

"You know the worst part of this?" Luke realises abruptly.

"Hmm?"

He sighs. "It's still better than the annual Mosby matching sweater Christmas photo,"

**Thank you for reading. *insert usual beg for reviews*. I'll try to get another chapter up in the next few days, but if not I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas xx**


	44. Months In Tailcoats

_2023_

Months In Tailcoats

"Uncle Barney, are you- crying?"

"No, I'm...it's the dust, the dust in here,"

"There's no dust in my studio," Tim Gunn protests.

"Dude, just...okay?" Barney sighs, pulling his phone out of his pocket, "I need a photo, Marv. This is the-" he chokes a little, "Proudest moment of my life,"

Marvin is standing in the doorway of the fitting rooms in Tim Gunn's studio wearing his new navy blue tailcoat and matching trousers, top hat and bow tie.

"Wait, put the shoes on, put the shoes on," Barney demands slightly hysterically, thrusting the brogues at him (they're black and navy, of course).

Marvin carefully slips the shoes onto his feet and ties the laces.

"Smile for me," Barney orders. He takes a couple of snaps, then starts directing, "Right, lean with your elbow on the doorway. Wink. That's great, now one hand in your pocket and give me smoulder,"

"How do you smoulder?" Marvin asks. Barney twitches an eyebrow up and giving a slight pout, doing his adjusting-tie pose. Marvin considers for a moment then attempts to copy.

"You look like a duck," Barney deadpans, "Less eyes and mouth and more eyebrow action,"

"This is dumb,"

"Fine. Put both hands straightening bow tie...good, good...now throw your hat in the air,"

Always happy at the opportunity to throw things, Marvin hurls the top hat in the air. They spend a giggly five minutes trying to get a photo with the hat at its highest, and then Barney has another idea.

"Tim, do you have a cane? A walking stick or something?"

"I most certainly do not. How old do you think I am?"

"Like, eighty," Marvin mutters.

"I wanna do like a Fred Astaire thing," Barney explains.

"Isn't Fred Astaire a dancer? I don't dance. Dad's tried to teach me but I don't like it," Marvin frowns unenthusiastically.

"That's cos as much as your dad likes dancing, he can't do it properly. We've got a week to go until your prom, right? I can teach you to dance in a week," Barney decides, "But anyway, now I just want you to _hold_ the cane...Tim, are you sure you don't have one around here somewhere?"

"I can check in the back," Tim sighs, exiting into the back room of his tailors.

"Hold your foot out, I want a photo of your shoes," Barney instructs. He'd come here with Marvin a couple of weeks ago and let the kid pick out what he wanted to wear from prom (well, kind of. Marvin had picked things out and Barney had groaned, dropped hints and downright rejected ideas until Marvin found a colour scheme and style Barney liked), and he'd had to get the shoes and top hat made specially.

"You gotta where black socks for prom okay? No patterns,"

"Alright, alright. You have so many _rules," _Marvin sighs.

_"I_ don't have rules, Marvin. _Fashion_ has rules,"

Marvin rolls his eyes, and then Tim's voice calls in, "I think I found something,"

He reappears holding a thick cane with a parrot-head handle. It isn't ideal, but Barney reckons he can work with it..

"Do that lean again but now with the cane in your other hand...cool, now face me...now face back where you were before but look upwards. Now I need a jumping one,"

"With the cane?"

"Yes. Came up in the air, other arm out, and jump,"

The jump photo takes a few shots to perfect, as does Barney's next shot of Marvin catching it.

"Now I need you to tap the cane on the ground. Good, now I wanna take one with you kicking it up from the floor,"

"I can't do that,"

"It's easy, I'll show you,"

Barney demonstrates and Marvin repeats, "I can't do that,"

"Well...balance it on your chin,"

"You're only saying that so I say I can't and then you do it an-"

Uncle Barney beats him to it, balancing the cane on his chin and then taking on leg off the floor which he does it. Marvin knew it was coming but he has to admit that it's still pretty cool. Even his dad, who can do impressions and the Robot and funny slapstick stuff, can't do tricks as cool as Uncle Barney's.

* * *

"Marvin, Aunt Robin's on the phone, she wants to talk to you,"

Mom thrusts the phone at Marvin. He pushes himself up from where he's been lying on the sofa and takes the phone.

"Hello,"

"H_eyyyy_, party animal. How was prom?"

"It was _so _cool, Aunt Robin. It was the coolest disco ever! There was all these lights and a bubble machine and candy floss and _two_ chocolate fountains!"

"Wow,"

"Normal one and a pink one. And there was a photo booth, I've got a tonne of pictures. And remember I told you my friend Euan was having a sleepover afterwards? Yeah, like, most of the boys in our class stayed at his house and we got pizza and watched _Calisher Race 2 _and we only went to sleep at, like, half past one, so I'm-" on que, he yawns, "_Really tired _today. I haven't done anything since I got home from Euan's,"

"Aw, Marvin, your first hangover,"

"Yeah, I had so much lemonade. This girl Myla went crazy on blue M&amp;Ms. It was so much fun, Aunt Robin, I can't wait to show you all the photos,"

"Hold on, Barney's here, he wants to talk to you,"

"Hi, Uncle Barney,"

"Marv! How did the suit go down?"

"Great. Everyone liked it. Most of the others boys were in, like, shirts and jeans. A couple had waistcoats and Mustapha was in a suit, but it wasn't as cool as mine. I was the only one with a top hat,"

"That better have come home in one piece,"

"Uh, I've got crumbs on most stuff, but-"

"Crumbs!? Send it to the dry cleaner's immediately,"

"Yeah, yeah," Marvin mumbles.

"You'd better have won Prom King in an outfit like that," Barney sniffs.

"I told you before- we weren't having Prom King and Queen. It's elementary leaver's prom, not high school. Anyway, there were_ two_ chocolate fountains and-" he yawns again – "Ugh, I'm tired, Uncle Barney. We stayed up all night. All I wanna do today is watch TV,"

"That's all you_ have_ done today," Mom says, ruffling Marvin's hair and pocking her tongue out at him.

* * *

"That's my math group all together...and this one's of me and Liang and Georgia...oh, an_ I_ took this one, it's of Rueben and Nattie and Myla and Connor," he points them out, "And this is me and Miss Spenser,"

Ted is on his left and Luke on his right on Barney's couch, and he's flicking through the iPad to show them his prom photos.

"This is my Science group-"

"Cool suit," Luke remarks.

Barney whoops happily from the kitchen, "Thank you, Luke,"

"I like your hat," Luke continues.

"Uncle Barney got it all for me. I chose the colours and the design and I got measured at Tim Gunn's studio,"

"Tim Gunn's still going?" Ted asks, "Isn't he kind of old by now?"

"Don't say that in front of him," Marvin recommends.

"Can I have a suit?" Luke asks.

"No," says Ted.

_"Awesome,"_ says Barney.

"What do you need a suit for?" Ted asks his son.

_"Wearing,"_

Marshall re-appears from the bathroom and asks, "Doesn't Uncle Barney buy you enough suits?"

"But I never get measured or get to choose stuff. And it doesn't have a hat and those long wings on the back,"

"Tails," Marvin corrects.

The microwave dings. Barney takes the popcorn out and pours it into paper bags.

"Anyone wants another beer?" he asks, opening the fridge.

"Nah, I'm cool," says Marshall.

"Have you got a Diet Coke?" asks Ted.

Barney rolls his eyes, takes out a Sam Adams for himself and a Coke for Ted, picks up the popcorn and walks back over to the couch. "I'll get you a fitting if you want, Luke,"

"Cool!"

"I was planning on making it a kinda special prom thing for you boys, but what the hell,"

"I want wings! And a hat!"

"You don't wear half the dressing-up gear we have anyway, when are you gonna wear a tailcoat?" Ted grouses.

Marshall lifts Luke onto his lap and says, "Yeah, you'll grow out of it pretty soon,"

"I don't grow 's fast as Marvin," Luke points out.

"This is happening," Barney announces, "What are you doing next weekend?"

"We're in New Haven with Tracy's cousin," says Ted.

"Weekend after that- oh, screw it, that's when I'm visiting Robin in Mexico City. What are you doing the weekend after? What's that, the twenty-second to twenty-third?"

"I don't think we've got anything pl-"

"Fixed. That's it, Luke, you and I are going suit shopping on Saturday the twenty-second,"

Luke cheers. Ted groans.

"Can we start _Revenge Of The Sith _now?" says Marvin.

* * *

"Stand still,"

"I _can't!"_

"Marvin was better at this than you are,"

"Marvin's older,"

"And stiller!"

"Master Mosby, please move your arms less," Tim Gunn requests, interrupting Luke and Barney's bickering.

Being reprimanded by a stranger makes Luke settle down a bit, while Tim measures his elbow-wrist length. When the measurements are finally done, Luke jumps off the pedestal and cheers, "Can I choose colours now, Uncle Barney?"

"Knock yourself out, kid," says Barney, pointing him in the direction of Tim's fabric room.

"Clean fingers before you touch anything," Tim calls after them.

"Relax, I got this," Barney assures him, fishing his handkerchief out of his pocket and shoving it at Luke, "This is expensive stuff, okay dude? No toffee or paint or pee on any of this,"

Luke does something which Barney suspects might be an eye-roll, but it comes out as a kind of squint…Barney'll have to have to teach him properly one day.

"Okay kid, knock yourself out,"

Luke carelessly throws Barney's handkerchief back at him and runs head-first into a rail.

"Green! I want green! Stripes!"

"Ew. Dude, you are _not _having green with stripes,"

"Can I have green?"

"Uh….choose a green and I'll decide,"

"This one!" Luke says, pulling out a panel of fabric at random

"You didn't even look at it," Barney protests, "And no,"

Luke pulls a face.

"Give it thought," Barney instructs.

Luke scans the rack for three seconds. "This one?" he asks, pulling out a line green panel.

"Too neon," Barney dismisses, then groans to himself. "This gonna be a long day…"

* * *

After Luke finally decides on a colour, Tim gets to work and they fetch finished suit up two weeks later. Luke loves it. He wears it home that afternoon and through dinner and while watching the DVD of _Zootopia _DVD Barney brought them, and then he wants to wear it to bed.

"You can wear it tomorrow," says Tracy patiently.

"No!"

"Luke, you can't sleep in a suit," chips in Ted from the kitchen.

"Uncle Barney sleeps in a suit," Luke points out.

"Uncle Barney is out of his mind," retorts Ted, picking Luke up and turning him upside-down. The ensuing wriggling, giggling and squealing is enough distraction to get both kids upstairs.

"But Dad, I wanna wear it to be _bed," _Luke whines once Ted dumps him on his mattress.

"You can wear it tomorrow,"

_"Nooo!"_

"If you sleep in it it'll get all wrinkled and Uncle Barney will be mad at you,"

"You can _iron it,"_

"Luke. Take it off,"

"Daddy, you're mean,"

...Ted manages to get Luke into his pyjamas, but Luke wears the tailcoat the next day, and the next, and declares it his favourite thing to wear. He wears it to baseball camp. He wears it to the doctor's. He wears it to Lydia's birthday party. He wears it with his Batman t-shirt, with New York Yankees sweater, with his denim dungarees, and once or twice he comes downstairs for breakfast wearing it over a t-shirt and underpants.

…and when the Fall and comes he starts Kindergarten, Tracy decides he needs some new clothes. And the motorbike t-shirt she buys him becomes his new favourite thing to wear, and the tailcoat is demoted to Luke's closet.

* * *

"Mom, it doesn't fit anymore,"

"Can't you squeeze in for today?"

"Well, yeah, but look-" Marvin protests, marching in the kitchen and showing his Mom his suit trousers, which are now a couple of inches above his ankles. Mom sighs.

"It's not my fault," Marvin protests.

"No, it's your dad and his Minnesota genes…"

"Kind of your fault as well then, for marrying him," he teases.

"Marv, think how much taller you'd be if your dad had married someone of normal height, or worse, Minnesota height. You'd have to sleep in a special elongated bed, we'd have to change the ceilings to be higher…"

"I wouldn't fit in the shower,"

"Or the bathtub,"

"Or the car,"

"Or any photos of us all. Now go put that white shirt on, surely that still fits,"

"Yeah, that's the one I wore as the executioner at Gemma's Hallowe'en party,"

"Do you know where that bow tie is?"

"Uh…no," he admits, then adds, "The hat's definitely in my closet, I know that at least. It isn't going to kill Uncle Barney if I'm not wearing a bow tie to his birthday, is it?"

"You know the answer to that question,"

"It's gonna kill him," Marvin concedes But Luke doesn't even want to _wear _his suit, Uncle Ted said he hasn't worn it since the Summer,"

"Well then Luke Mosby will be cause of death on Barney's death certificate, not Marvin Erikson,"

"Uncle Barney only bought Luke a proper suit cos he bought me one," Marvin points out.

"Look, you know what Uncle Barney's like with these ideas he gets. He wants you Luke and Eli are all going to wear your tailcoat suits to his birthday, and he's excited," Mom replies (although Marvin knew all that anyway).

"Can I borrow one of Dad's bow ties?" he asks.

"What makes you think your Dad has a bow tie?" Mom scoffs.

"For fancy Supreme Court stuff. Uncle Barney must have got him one at some point," Marvin shrugs.

"I'll ask him. You go put your shirt and tailcoat on and find that hat, okay?"

"I don't need to find it, I know where it is," he counters.

"Marv, just go get changed," (she sounds a little impatient. Probably because she knows that she's shortly going to have to persuade Anna out of her tattered Snow White dress and Daisy out of her owl t-shirt and striped leggings, and talk them both into wearing something slightly more presentable).

"Alright," he sighs, "When did you say we were leaving?"

"Five,"

"Car or subway?"

"Subway," says Mom, prodding him out of the room towards the stairs, "Now go Suit Up."


	45. Dozing

_May 2020_

Dozing

"We're home," Ted hisses, shutting the door behind himself and Tracy. There's no response. The upstairs landing light is on, but downstairs is all dark. "Barney?"

"Hello?" Tracy adds.

Ted peers into the lounge, kitchen, and den. "He's not here,"

"Must be upstairs," Tracy shrugs, "I'll go,"

She gives Ted and sweet little kiss, and goes upstairs. Penny's room is the first off the landing; she's buried under her pink duvet, and Tracy can tell from her quiet, slow breathing that she's sleeping. Tracy rolls her eyes at the toys scattered across the floor (more than there were earlier, Tracy notes, more amused that annoyed), then checks on Luke. Luke is fast asleep in bed, clutching Alfie, his stuffed dog. Barney is next to him on the bed, on top of the duvet with _I Want My Hat Back _open face-down on his stomach.

Tracy rolls her eyes.

"Hey, Diaper Man". He doesn't respond. "Psst". Nothing. "Your socks don't match your tie,"

"Wuzzat?" Barney mutters, blinking his eyes open. Sleepily, he glances down at his tie, and lifts his foot up to check his socks- then notices Tracy, "Oh, hi Trace. They do too match- charcoal and midnight blue, what's wrong with that?"

"I was waking you up, silly,"

"Oh, right. D'you have a good date?"

"It was lovely. We went to the new Italian place in-" she cuts herself off and sighs, "It isn't new. It's been open for like two years now, we just hadn't made it there until tonight,"

"Here to help," Barney says, clicking his tongue.

"Yes, on that subject- what was the last thing we said to you before we left?"

"Um...'Barney you are so handsome and awesome and we'd like to place an order for ten thousand Bro Bibs'?" he guesses.

"We told you not to stay in bed with Luke when he's going to sleep,"

"Oh. Did ya?" he grins sheepishly, glancing at Luke's body curled against him, "Oops,"

"He's not going to get the hang of sleeping in a bed if he keeps being mollycoddled," she grouses.

"I tried!" Barney protests, "I put him to bed on his own but he couldn't sleep and he was getting stressed out and he's _so damn cute. _You can't say no to this face,"

He touches Luke's cheek with the back of his hand. Barney loves how soft kids' skin is; their little soft unstubbled faces. Children make him calmer. Perhaps that's why his first thought when he stormed out of his apartment was to head up to Westchester; even when they're racing around or arguing or making a mess, kids' presence makes him untense and makes him forget anything he's worried about; forget the fight.

"You think you're so smooth and wily, but our kids have you wrapped around their little fingers,"

"Come on, Tracy- _I Want My Hat Back," _he beams, holding the book up, "Forget that Oliver Wilde stuff you and Ted are into- _this_ is a great work of literature,"

"Yes," Tracy relents, "Especially having read him _BoCo The Big Friendly Diesel _eight thousand times. Come on,"

She holds her hand out to him, and reluctantly Barney creeps out of bed. He leans on the wall while Tracy mutters a few words to Luke and brushes his dark hair out of his eyes. She's right, he knows, he'll do anything those kids want. And besides, reading Luke his story and cuddling him and watching him fall asleep had been relaxing, and it had made Barney feel surprisingly wise and watchful, he like was protecting him.

"What are you gonna do when you get home?" Tracy prompts.

"Haven't thought that far," he mumbles, then looks away and adds, "Any ideas?"

"Uh-uh, buddy. I'm not Lily; I'm not writing down your lines and shoving you onstage. You gotta work this one out for yourself,"

Barney pulls a face, but any further conversation is interrupted by Ted's footsteps heading upstairs.

"Hey," he nods to Barney as he sticks his head round Luke's bedroom door, "Did the kids go down alright?"

"He stayed in bed with Luke," Tracy interjects. Barney gives her an exasperated 'you didn't have to tell him' glance.

"Until he fell asleep? Ugh, now he's gonna be clingy tomorrow night," Ted grumbles.

"He was upset and he's so cute!" Barney insists.

Ted rolls his eyes but grins at Barney anyway (perhaps proud of cute his mini-me is), "When's Robin home from DC?"

"Tuesday," Barney lies easily.

"Well, if you're still bored on Monday evening you can come over," Ted offers. Bored, they all know, is the Barneyism for lonely...although in truth when Barney turned up here earlier it wasn't because it was he was either of those things. But Ted doesn't know that. "Just remember to call this time, yeah?"

"Mmm, I will, I will," Barney promises. Tonight his taxi had been halfway to Ted and Tracy's place before he'd bothered to tell them that he was coming over. Ted had picked up and Barney had explained that Robin was in DC for the week and he was bored, and he was on his way over so Ted and Tracy could have a date and he could babysit. Unfortunately, Tracy had been texting with Robin the day before, so knew she knew that Robin was in New York. Tracy had cornered Barney as soon as he'd arrived in at the house in Westchester, and he'd grudgingly told her the truth. The fact that these days him and his wife can't seem to go half a week without screeching at each other is an embarrassing one to confess, but out of any of the gang, Tracy the easiest one to admit it to.

"Cool," nods Ted, disappearing into the bathroom.

"You know the Lily move right now would be to tell me that there is absolutely no way I'm invited round on Monday," Barney points out (probably not helping his case).

"I don't think Lily has the wrong idea," Tracy deadpans.

"I won't be here on Monday," he promises, "I'll...I'll think of some apology now in the cab home, and I'll tell her tonight or tomorrow morning; we'll have some kick-ass make-up sex. And we'll...sort something out, I don't know yet, but we'll do something and we'll stop fighting and we'll be fixed". He leans against Luke's bedroom wall and shuts his eyes tight, "God, I hope we can be fixed,"

"You gotta fix it yourself, Diaper Man," says Tracy, "I believe in you,"

"You always believe in me," he murmurs, and then he isn't quite sure how it happens but he's hugging her, holding her tighter than he can remember hugging anyone; his arms all around her small, bony body, his face in her hair. He's lifting her up and God, she's light, he feels like he might crush her. Barney has no idea if she's hugging him back but he doesn't care, because he...- emotional stuff isn't his thing, okay, but he viscerally needs to be gripping her like this. And he thinks that she gets that, because she always gets him more than he admits, and because she doesn't say anything or wriggle, until eventually he exhales and sets her down. When he does, she's silent for another moment, and he thinks she gets it. She's emotional like that; not in a touchy-feely girly cry-y way like Lily, in a kind of...spiritual way (not that Barney believes in anything spiritual). She senses stuff.

"I make you lie to your husband," he says, because it's all he can think to say.

"No, _I_ make me lie to my husband because I'm your friend...and because I agree with you that it won't help either of you if Ted finds out how much you and Robin are fighting,"

"He gets...I don't know, he's never really understood why we're- pfft, who am I kidding, he's never understood why she married me,"

Tracy would like to retort 'Nobody understands why she married you' or 'Cos her dad did a real number on her', but she knows that he's having a tough time about this all, so she answers, "She loves you. And you love her. So are you gonna go get this girl, or what?"

"I'm gonna go get this girl. The cab journey back to the City's way longer than twenty minutes-"

"- and you and I both know that this stuff takes longer than twenty minutes," she finishes, giving him a little affectionate push towards Luke's bedroom door, "Now get out of here, Diaper Man. You got work to do".


	46. Guns

**As the title suggests, this chapter is about weapons. There's mention of owning guns, children and guns, gun violence, school shootings, accidental gun deaths. Also some of my usual uncomfortable style of angst, although honestly this turned out less angsty than I was expecting. So if any of that isn't your sort of thing or might be, ahem, triggering, feel free to skip. The various opinions expressed in this chapter are those of the characters (or my interpretation of them), so not necessarily my own views.**

**_Hamilton _****and its lyrics are obviously property of His Magnificent Holiness Lin-Manuel Miranda of Geniusland.**

Guns

**September 2011**

"Morning,"

"Hi, you two," Ted chirps from the kitchen, "Sorry it's such a mess today,"

"You really think we care about this place being a mess?" Lily replies.

She says it jokily, but it prickles Marshall. Ted apologising for clutter feels like he's treating Marshall as a guest, which is weird and wrong. It's a reminder that moving out has made them grow apart. No argument, no bitterness, no big change- just not seeing each other every morning and every evening means that Marshall and Ted don't know each other as well as they did, they're not as in-sync as they were. And after twelve years of living together, that hurts. Perturbed, Marshall glances down at the doormat. There's a couple of letters, a Wall Street Journal and a magazine. _Guns &amp; Ammo, _in its transparent plastic envelope.

"How are you feeling?" Ted questions Lily, bustling out of the kitchen.

"I'm fine, Ted," Lily says with a little smile. He's' been asking her this almost every day for the last couple of weeks. Marshall's best friend's excitement for the baby is both annoying and adorable. Marshall's thrilled too of course, but in a different way. Lily says that everything feels normal, and he knows she'll let him know when that changes. Dr Sonya said "just a little bit" of everything is still healthy and she's a professional so he trusts her. There's no reason to get all jumpy like Ted. Except, well…Marshall looks at _Guns &amp; Ammo _again. He isn't sure when Ted and Robin stopped arguing about her having guns or how the disagreement was resolved, but he knows for a fact that there's at least one in the apartment and one in Robin's handbag. _This apartment has a gun in it. My wife's uterus has our baby in it. _Marshall can't help but feel uncomfortable again- but this time it isn't because of bittersweet sadness of going away from Ted and growing away from Ted. This time, it's concern for the safety of his unborn child. Like, a _gun. _Near a _baby. His _baby. Yes it's Robin, yes she's one of his best friends and he knows she knows what she's doing with her gun thing, but…well…it makes Marshall's skin tingle nervously. _Is this what fatherhood is going to be like? _he wonders, _worrying about everything? Stuff which you wouldn't think twice about before now seeming like a risk? _That sounds dreadful. If he's worrying about Robin, one of his best friends, around his kid what's he going to be like about the kid eating solid food and going to the park and starting pre-school and playing hockey? Has he set himself up for constant terror the rest of his life?

"Baby?". Lily's voice pulls Marshall out of the mist of panic.

"What?" he answers hazily.

"Ted says did you watch the game last night?"

"Err, yes,"

"Abysmal, I thought," growls Ted.

"Hmm. Totally," Marshall mumbles, still distracted.

Is Robin having guns that much of a problem? Is he Tedding out about this? But, come on, unborn child and gun in the same apartment? He'd be parenting wrong if he thought that was okay, wouldn't he? Being a father is about protecting your child no matter what. Should he mention it to Robin? She'd probably take it badly- she's very defensive about her defensives. _But this is your baby's safety, Marshall, that's the most important thing._ He should mention it to Lily- Lily always knows what to do.

"Marshall,"

"Mmyeah?"

"Are you okay, sweetie?" Lily asks gently. _Talk to her later, _he tells himself.

"I'm great," he answers, forcing a smile, "Carr has _ruined _the Giants chances this year, surely,"

* * *

**October 2020**

She's got him backed up against the wall, shirtless, his hands cuffed behind his back, nibbling and sucking on his neck, feeling his voicebox vibrate as he growls in her ear.

And then her phone rings.

"Leave it," he murmurs. Her mouth suckers onto his Adam's apple and he lifts his chin up, head knocking against the wall. One of her hands probes his abs, the other hand's thumb is strumming his nipple piercing, fingers drumming on his breastbone.

The phone keeps ringing.

"Oh my God, go away," he hisses, "Kind of in the middle of something". But the ringing's now gone on long enough for it not to be the sort of call where the caller hangs up when they don't get an answer. Robin takes her phone out of her pocket.

"It's Tracy,"

"We've spent all day looking after her rascals, what does she want now?"

"One of them'll probably have left a toy here or something," Robin mutters.

He rolls his eyes irritably . She picks up the phone.

"Hi, Tracy,"

"Hi. Um, can I talk to you for a sec?"

"Did Luke leave his sweater here? Or Penny's forgotten her doll? I can have a look later-"

"Er, no. I wanted to...thanks for having them today, we really needed a break and they love hanging out with you two,"

Robin senses that there's a 'but' coming.

"But,"- there we are- "I err, I wanted to...I wanted to ask to you about guns,"

Robin winces. _Wasn't expecting that. Dammit, this is gonna take a while_.

"Shit. Okay, um, give me one moment". She clamps the phone to her chest.

"I might be a few minutes," she tells him.

He groans, "Can't you tell her you'll call her back?"

"Ah...no, not right now. I'll get rid of her as fast as I can, okay?". _The mood is so dead_, Robin thinks irritably, _thanks Trace._

"Ugh, fine," he grumbles. Robin leans up as if to peck his cheek, but nips his cheekbone instead. He smirks a little. She brings the phone back up to her ear, and heads out of the bedroom, "Yeah?"

"Luke says you let him play with your gun." Tracy sounds suddenly accusatory.

"It wasn't loaded, I swear. I don't keep the bullets in it. He was playing hide-and-seek and he was hiding under the bed and he found it-"

"All those stories you hear about, about kids accidentally shooting each other- I don't want that happening to...do you realise how dangerous it is to have a gun under your bed?"

"Yeah I do, as it happens. Because I _own_ guns so I know how to be safe with them,"

"And being safe with a gun includes putting it into the hand of a three-year-old, does it?" (crap. Tracy only gets snippy like that when she's really pissed_. Crap, crap crap)._

"Nothing happened. I swear to God Tracy, nothing could have happened. He's a little boy, of course he loves guns. He's too young to even understand the difference between real and pretend,"

"Well isn't that great! We don't even let him have toy guns at home so it's pretty disconcerting when he tells me that you've let him play with your _real _one. Now he'll start thinking that all guns are toys- hundreds of kids a year are killed playing with guns like that!"

Robin would like to interject that maybe Luke would have been less thrilled and fascinated by the real gun than he would have been if he was allowed toy guns at home, but she's pretty sure that right now she isn't in a position to be criticising Tracy's parenting. She tries to bring it off the political and back onto the issue at hand- this afternoon. "We only had it out for about five minutes, he wanted to see how it worked more than anything. There's nothing he could have done to hurt anyone". Besides, there's far more inappropriate stuff under that bed, in a box which Luke thankfully hadn't opened.

"Look Robin, I know you have your gun obsession-"

Robin tuts. "It's not an obsessio-"

"-and that's your business, your money, whatever. But I don't want that kind of...culture of violence near my kids,"

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry," _('culture of violence'? Seriously?), "_I promise I won't let him near anything again," Robin spiels, trying to wrap the conversation up quickly.

"Thank you," says Tracy, a little triumphantly.

"Uh, I have to go now, Tracy, I'm sort of busy,"

"Oh, sure," (if Tracy suspects what kind of 'busy' Robin means, she doesn't let on), "Thanks again for having them today,"

"No problem. I'll see you later,"

"Bye," says Tracy. Robin hangs up, then groans in frustration. _There was not a moment when Luke wasn't completely safe! It _wasn't loaded!_ Seeing a real gun at three years old isn't going to make him into some trigger-happy lunatic._

Frowning angrily, she stalks back into the bedroom. He's slipped out of the handcuffs and is sprawled on the bed playing a game on his phone.

"Hey, what happened to the rule about you not magic-ing your way out of cuffs?" she grouses. They agreed that his escapology antics ruined the fun of bondage.

"I got bored," he protests, "You were taking forever,". Although he must be able to tell from her expression that she's pissed off, because he adds, "What did she even want? You okay?"

"Yeah," she mutters, "Fine. Now get those handcuffs back on. There's no way I'm going easy on you tonight".

* * *

** February 2024**

"I don't see how you can be upset about Aunt Tracy being in hospital with cancer, which is a disease, _which kills you, _but you can still be cool with having a gun in your purse, which is a gun, _which kills you," _Marvin splutters, "It doesn't make sense! You wouldn't carry cancer around in your purse!"

"That's different. Tracy's going for another scan next week and they reckon that after that they can sort out-"

"It's dying, Aunt Robin, it's stuff that's meant to kill people and I think you're really cool and everything but I don't get how you can just have a gun like it isn't a big deal. Especially cos, you know, cos, like, Aunt Tracy's sick and we're all kinda scared about dying and her dying and stuff," he blurts, "And guns make people die." He puts his chin in his hands, and says glumly. "I don't get it."

* * *

** September 2024**

Tracy's been in remission for months now, but that doesn't mean that all of the problems have magically disappeared. She's still tired a lot of the time, can't drive, can't go back to work. Ted's still jittery and over-tired, Luke's got very clingy with his Mom, and Penny's still prone to tantrums. Somewhere along the way they worked out that Barney's pretty good a calming her down when she's mid-strop. Despite his disdain for Dr Grossbard, he's always kind of liked being a sub-therapist to the kids- plus there's an unspoken acknowledgement that he's had a lot of practise dealing with his own anger and mood-swings. Unfortunately when Penny calls tonight, Barney's stuck in traffic with a phone that's out of charge.

"Look, take some deep breaths, okay?" Robin says, pacing round the apartment nervously, "He called from work half an hour ago to say he was leaving so he won't be long. Try to calm down, yeah?". She's trying to sound firm but it's harder to calm Penny down through the phone than it is face-to-face. Dammit, was does Barney do? He has this uncharacteristic calm voice he uses and he calls her pet names, and talks to her in a way which if it was anyone else he would find unbearably cringey, but with Daisy, Penny and Anna he doesn't care.

"Mom's so _boring, _she's s'posed to be better but she doesn't do anything, I wanted her to take me to soccer but she says she's tired, she's always tired and it's trials this week so I need her to be there but she says she has to sleep-"

"Right. Listen-" in Robin's experience, attempting to reason Penny out of a strop is futile. Imperatives work better, "Stop. Stop it,"

"No!"

"Penny, shut up already! Your Mom and Dad don't need you playing up. It won't kill you to have your Dad take you to soccer-" okay, unfortunate phrasing, so Robin rushes on before Penny can pick up on it- "So you're gonna have to suck it up, understand?"

"But Mom's always too tired. She was too tired for my dance recital and-"

_That's cos she's recovering from cancer! _Robin wants to shout. Instead though, she tries a different tack, "Okay, what do you normally do to take your anger out? Don't say 'hit my brother',"

"What do you mean?"

"When you feel mad you do something to let it out. Come on, I know Ted makes you do it. Like how I shoot empties off the roo-" _oh, shit. Why did you say that, Scherbatsky? Idiot-_ "...f-"

"What?" demands Penny.

"Kick a soccer ball at the fence or rip up some paper," Robin says hurriedly, "Um, go run round the garden. Rip up the gra-"

"Like shoot with a gun? Empty whats?"

"Your Mom makes you draw, right? Or write about you feel. I know you're good at writing-"

"Are you allowed to shoot off roofs? What if there's a cleaner up there?"

Robin winces, trying to think quickly of a way to change the subject before Penny can launch into _Mommy and Daddy say guns are bad. _Thankfully, at that moment the apartment door opens and Barney walks in, looking weary and frustrated. Robin doesn't think she has ever been more grateful to see her husband.

"Oh, look, Barney's home. Here, go talk to him," she says quickly, dashing across the room to shove the phone at him.

"What? What's happening?"

"Penny," Robin hisses to him by way of explanation, "Say anything. I just need you to talk,"

Barney looks confused, but takes the phone anyway, "Hey, princess. What's up?"

Robin escapes to the bedroom.

* * *

** November 2025**

It's raining outside. There's a flu going round- Barney is in no way whatsoever coming down with it but which Anna's is, so he's spending this evening's babysitting on the couch with her on the couch (even though he isn't actually sick at all, thank you very much). He's sprawled on his back and curled on his chest, which is not comfortable at all. Barney's seen her do it with Marshall sometimes, but Marshall's bigger than Barney, at eight years old Anna's getting too heavy to dump her bony body on top of his lungs. The older two Erikson kids were sick last week so better now, and have got bored of the two "wusses" on the sofa, so Marvin's upstairs doing his homework and Daisy's dribbling a soccer ball around the kitchen...until she comes blustering into the living room, ball tucked under her arm.

"Uncle Barney," she challenges, marching into the centre of the carpet, "Do you think it's bad that Aunt Robin has guns?"

Wow. That's a new one. "Umm..." he mumbles, taken aback.

"She could shoot you," Anna adds bluntly.

"But she wouldn't, would she?" he counters. Ugh, he can't deal with this conversation right now. Not that he's sick or anything.

"Sh'could," Anna shrugs. _Dammit, Red, you're supposed to be on my side here._

"Mom thinks it's bad Aunt Robin has guns," Daisy presses on, "Cos guns are dangerous,"

"Only if you use them dangerously, like, to shoot at peo-" Barney begins, then catches himself- _What the hell are you saying? Do you seriously believe that? That your wife having a gun under the bed and in her purse is totally fine because she probably isn't going to shoot anybody? Of course you don't believe that, jackass- you hate it, you hate adding to the gun-owner statistics, you shouldn't be making excuses. You hate the noise, the smell. You hate her shooting bottles off the roof- it's sexy and badass for a minute and then it's noisy and frightening. Why can't all guns be Laser Tag ones? They're so much cooler and they light up and everything!_

"Hey, who wants ice-cream?"

"I'm not four," Daisy scoffs, eyeballing him, "Do you think it's bad she has guns?"

Most of the time, Daisy's the odd one out of the Erikson children- she's quiet, focussed, likes her own company. She's not much like either of her parents, but right now Barney can see some Lilyish sixth-sense at play. Dammit. He can't think of anything else to say apart from, "Yeah."

"Toldya!" Daisy cheers (Barney has no idea to whom).

"Why do you have 'em, then?" asks Anna, craning her neck to look at him.

"I...look, I," he stammers, then shut up and thinks about it for a moment. "They're hers," he says eventually, slowly, "They're in my apartment but they're hers. And she...she really likes them, she's always had guns as long as we've known her, even before that. Look- when you love someone, you gotta accept some things you don't _like_ about them. You two do it all the time without thinking about it. That's what being a family is, right?" (he cringes at himself), "Your Aunt Robin loves guns and I love her so I have to put up with the noise and the jumpiness,"

"You sound like Uncle Ted," says Anna, reading his mind.

"_You_ don't _believe_ _that," _Daisy accuses, emphasising each word snarkily.

"Guess I do," Barney shrugs, then corrects himself, "Yes I do. Look, America's been arguing about this for literally two hundred years,"

"How come?" Anna pipes up.

"It's in the Constitution, it's-"

"Like in _Hamilton?"_

"Exactly, Anna, exactly. _'Most disputes die and no-one shoots'_, right? It's an understatement to say that me and Aunt Robin have disputes- but last I checked, I don't have a bullet hole in my head,"

"Hamilton got shot! Everyone gets shot!" Daisy protests. _For God's sake, kid, shut up. I'm not in the mood for this, _he snarls internally_. _He's tired, he needs a Red Bull or an aspirin or a nap- he doesn't need to be trapped on a sofa being interrogated about the Second Amendment. Barney exhales heavily (and if it sounds a bit like a growl, well, that's just the phlegm). _You know what's required right now? A Play. A simple and subtle one; a few carefully-chosen words and you can charm your way out of this. _

Step 1: Compliment. "You ever thought about following your dad into law, Day?" Barney asks, "You're good at this. This is what lawyers do, like all day every day….I think," (to be honest he has no clue what Marshall's job entails).

_"I finished up my studies and I practised law," _Anna sings, helpfully.

Step 2: Off-the-Wall adorableness, possible subject-change. "_I practised law, Burr worked next-door," _Barney joins in, "_Even though we started at the_ _very same-_come on Daisy, I know you like this one,"

"But guns-"

Step 3: Compliment, this time more specifically. "I like how you're questioning things, pancake," (as she's got older she'd proved to be not any kind of honey or sweetheart. Barney isn't sure when pancake became his favourite nickname for her, but he reckons it works. Her hair's sort of pancake colour, she's thin like one…okay, maybe it didn't need that much analysis), "You're becoming a real smart and mature kid".

Barney watches her try not to bristle with pride. _That middle-child syndrome comes in useful sometimes. This is almost too easy. _Step 4: Point out own failings: "To be honest I don't know much about this. Let's ask your dad when he gets home". It's a clever line because it stops her arguing back, but puts the blame for that on him. _God, I'm good._

"Yeah, we'd should," she says. Barney nods. He considers adding something about how much she must have impressed her teachers during her first few weeks at middle school, but he reckons that that might be overkill.

"Like, seriously. I'm not gonna forget," Daisy warns.

"Of course not, Daisy," he corroborates, already planning how hes going to play up his coughing as much as possible when Marshall and Lily et back, so Lily sends him home before Daisy can bring the subject up again, "Of course not."

* * *

**September 2026**

"How was your first Friday of high school?"

"We had a shooting drill," Marvin blurts, "Oh my God, it was the scariest thing. In middle school it was pretend and we had to hide behind the desk, but this was so scary, they had- I didn't see so I don't know if it was a fake gun or something- but there was this gun noise going on in the corridor and shouting and it seemed like it was going on for years and oh my God, it was so scary,"

"Shit,"

"I mean I was used to how we did it in middle school but this was different, and we've only been there four days so we weren't ready for it, and we knew it wasn't real but it was still, like, _so _scary and- seriously, if you were there you wouldn't touch a gun ever again,"

"Can we not? Can we not make this a thing about me and guns, okay?" Robin answers. She tries hard not to snap.

"I can't not, I mean I- it was so scary and afterwards I was like oh my God, Aunt Robin is the reason we have to do this-" Marvin rushes on before she can interrupt- "Because people who do shootings have guns and you have a gun and...it's like the _same thing. _People with guns are the reason we have to do this and it was so scary, imagine if it had even been real, you wouldn't keep a gun much longer if you'd been there today and I heard that at some schools they even have people playing dead with fake blood on their clothes-"

"Dude, calm down, okay?".Marv doesn't usually get stressed so his gabbling is unnerving, "It's over, it wasn't real. You're just tired cos you've had a big week and-"

"Are you ever gonna listen to anybody about this?"

"Hey, why don't you go buy yourself a new pair of Converse? Or a video game, or go to the movies with your friends? It's on me. You've survived your first week of high school, you deserve to- Marvin?"

But he's hung up.

* * *

**January 2029**

Luke has a very strong bladder. He isn't sure why because apparently he got sick a lit when he was little, but by now he's developed a bladder of steel. He'll tell anybody whose listening how he won the contest his class had on the bus on the way back from camp to see who could go the longest without going to the bathroom (...it got pretty messy). So while Penny, Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney have gone to the bathroom in the break between _Jurassic World 2_ and _Jurassic World 3_, he's propped his feet up on the chair in front. Luke's idly wondering about dinosaurs and DNA, when someone clears his throat beside him. It's an old guy, looking disgruntled.

"Put your feet down, kid,"

"Oh. Um, sorry," Luke mutters, sheepishly taking his feet off the chair in front to let the guy go past. As he does so, he accidentally kicks Aunt Robin's handbag.

And a gun falls out.

Luke reaches down to pick it up, freezing abruptly when he realises what it is. _Oh my God. Ohhh myyy Godddd. Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod. I have a gun. In a cinema. With a gun. Oh. My. God. _He knew Aunt Robin has guns but he didn't expect to find one! In her bag! In a_ cinema!_ Regaining clarity again, Luke shoves the gun back in the bag, scanning around shiftily to check if anybody saw. Everyone is, unsurprisingly, not paying any attention to the eleven-year-old sitting by himself- and besides, it's too dark for them to see anything anyway. Luke breathes a sigh of relief, heart still jackhammering his ribs. _What if some super crazy dude took the bag? What if the gun went off by accident? Does that happen? It happens in movies..._

"What are you looking so panicked about?". It's Penny, frowning suspiciously at him.

"Pssht. Nothing," he scoffs, keeping the nonchalant act up for about three seconds before blurting in a whisper, "Aunt Robin has a gun in her purse,"

"No!"

"Yeah. I swear,"

"No!"

"It just fell out, I stuck it back in. Don't look, Pen," he begs, suddenly panicked, "I don't want us to get in trouble". Usually Luke doesn't mind a bit of trouble, especially with Aunt Robin and Uncle Barney, but this is different, this is serious, this is a _gun. _

"Oh my God. I mean, I knew she_ likes _guns, I didn't realise she _carried one around,"_

"Yeah, that's exactly what I thought. Where are they anyway?" Luke asks, glancing nervously behind his sister.

"Buying popcorn. We can't tell Dad about this, understand?"

"I wasn't gonna tell Dad!"

"Yeah, well don't," she retorts impatiently, "We don't wanna get him mad at Aunt Robin, even if it is about guns. You can't tell Mom either,"

"I know. I'm not a snitch,"

"You are _such_ a snitch,"

"I only snitch on _you._ I'm not gonna tell about this". He pauses, "Kinda terrifying though, right?"

Penny nods solemnly.

"Like," Luke says in an even quieter whisper, leaning into her, "Guns kill people. Guns are so bad,"

"It's scary that there's one right here," Penny agrees.

"One day I hope there's no guns,"

"I don't think it works like that. Cos of-"

"What are you two whispering about?" asks Uncle Barney's voice.

Luke and Penny whip round. "Nothing," they say in unison.

"There's your popcorn, Luke," says Aunt Robin, shoving a bag at him, "And one for you, Pen". She sits down beside Luke, "You look a bit flustered. Anything happen while we were gone, pal?"

He takes the popcorn and says tonelessly, "No."

* * *

**January 2031**

"For self-defence. You're nearly seventeen, you're a woman- doesn't having something with you for protection feel empowering?"

"Aunt Robin, you've got a ton of money, you're like the freaking queen of WWN, your face has literally been on a bus -and you're telling me you need a _gun_ to feel empowered?"

"I'm not queen of WWN," she pauses, "I mean, I'm a pretty high-up lady-in-waiting so give me a couple of years," (Daisy smirks), "But guns are different. You know that if anyone tried to mess with you you can protect yourself,"

"Basically you're saying that you're empowered cos of the possibility of some random guy wanting to mug you,"

"No, knowing you can defend yourself is. Knowing that- if a guy _were _to mug you- you wouldn't need some jock wanting to be your knight in shining armour to rescue you- you can rescue yourself. That's badass. That's empowerment,"

"And now we're back to the 'Give The Good Guys Guns' argument, which is stupid,"

"It isn't stupid". Robin sighs, "But yeah, we've been here before,"

"You live in New York, you vote for the right people, you're not anti-gay or anti-climate change-acceptance- I don't understand how you have this one thing which you're so, ugh, _massively _wrong about,"

"Maybe I'm not wrong,"

"I mean, aren't Canada's gun laws pretty tough?" Daisy challenges.

"Why else do you think I moved to the States?"

There's a beat while Daisy gapes, unsure if this is a joke or not.

"Kidding," Robin smirks.

"And surely Canada has less gun crime cos there's less guns. It's simple," Daisy says. Sometimes, Robin thinks, Daisy seems so grown up, and sometimes she seems like a kid.

"Not _that _simple,"

"This is so frustrating," Daisy snarls.

"The world's a frustrating place. I'm a journalist, I should know,"

"You're a journalist, so you should know about guns and violence and kids shooting each other. You report on warzones and stuff, I don't get how after that you couldn't want less guns in America,"

"I've only been to one war zone. And it was years ago now," Robin shrugs.

"But you report on them. And you must have stuff about shootings and gun crime-"

"And that's maniacs with guns. Most people aren't maniacs- so most people with guns aren't maniacs,"

"But it takes one maniac and then there's dead kids. Like, _dead. Kids. _You can't argue with dead kids,"

"So deal with the root problem. What makes people into maniacs, what can we do to help them before they go shoot up a cinema, how do you stop kids getting into gangs. Kids in gangs mostly_ aren't_ maniacs; they're just in with the wrong crowd- so how do you avoid that? Solving those problems is how you avoid kids getting shot,"

"Isn't that what Aunt Tracy was involved in for a while? Working with kids in the projects?"

"Yeah, you're right. We interviewed her about it, I think,"

"And did that eradicate shootings in the projects or wherever? No,"

"It doesn't happen overnight, Daisy," Robin mutters.

"You know what would change things overnight, Aunt Robin? Getting rid of guns."

* * *

**June 2035**

"Why did I agree to this?" Anna sighs, leaning on the subway pole (Robin can't help but notice how she tosses her long red hair as she does so).

"Because you're smarter than the rest of them when I comes to this. Since- well, since I met Ted and Marshall and Lily and Barney, they've all been mad at me about liking guns. You're the first one whose actually bothered to find out why I like them so much," she pauses, remembering, "Actually that's not true- I took your dad here once or twice,"

"_Dad?"_

_"_Yeah. It was when him and your Mom broke up for a little while,"

"Oh, that doesn't count. That was like fifty years ago,"

Robin's about to retort then realises; "...God, it was almost thirty. Do you know how old that makes me feel? Anyway, I'm glad that now you're eighteen you're coming to see for yourself,"

"You're not going to change my mind,"

"I'm not trying to. I'm only showing you why people have guns, seeing as everyone's been on at me for the last- ha, the last thirty years- about how awful they are. A shooting range is a safe, appropriate place for legal recreational gun use,"

"How often do you go?"

Aunt Robin shrugs. "Varies. Used to be once a month or so, but it's been more in the past couple of years since- you know". There's a slightly awkward and downtrodden pause, then she continues, "Basically whenever I'm feeling lonely or depressed I go here and it reminds me that... guns are fun,"

Anna looks a little uncomfortable so Robin adds, "Trust me, it'll be a cool experince. You know what guns are like? Guns are like sex; fun and exciting when done in verifiably legal circumstances and in a safe place, and better if your parents don't find out,"

"Mom has her frickin' laser ears on whenever any guy is within a mile of my bedroom. Like, I'm _eighteen, _she needs to chill,"

"Remember what happened with Penny last Christmas?" Robin smirks.

"Ha! Even _Penny _was mortified by that. Every time we mention it she goes, like, purple and sticks her fingers in her ears,"

"I'm disappointed in her," Robin sighs, "Always thought she was the kinda girl who'd enjoy getting caught,"

"Yeah, but not by her _dad," _Anna shudders.

"Every time we mention it Ted goes purple and looks like he's either going to cry or vomit,"

"To be fair, him and Aunt Tracy knew that Vittorio was staying over. It was their own fault for coming home so soon,"

"And it was Vitto's fault for not coming soon enough," Robin can't help but add.

"Classy," Anna deadpans.

"Joke was right there. Anyway, trust me Anna, we'll have a good time today. You'll get why I like guns so much. You might even enjoy it…"

* * *

**July 2006**

"So you're a gun nut," Ted says tightly.

"No, I'm a gun enthusiast," she drawls, eyes fixed on the top corner of the car window.

"Do you know how many people are killed-" Ted launches into.

Without thinking about her words, Robin starts shouting over him; "The Second Amendment protects my right-"

"-In accidents?!-"

"-to bear arms-"

"Alright, alright, alright!" Ted protests, holding his hand up. To her surprise, Robin shuts up. "I was too hard on 'im,"

He looks at her with his puppydog eyes and it makes her stomach flip. She's fallen for him way too hard, but how could she not when he's so sweet; taking her away for the weekend and he caring so much about Marshall and- _okay Scherbatsky, let's stop right there before we get ahead of ourselves. _(But she can feel like lovesick smirk on her lips).

"A little," she mumbles, and Ted smiles in his affectionate, dorky way. He looks back to the road but Robin allows herself to gaze at him a moment longer. Then he picks up his phone and announces, "I'm gonna call Barney; see how they're doing,"

Barney, it transpires, has taken Marshall to a strip club and promptly lost him. Ted irritably flips his phone shut, and Robin know what she has to do. Well, she knows what Ted has to do. Perhaps if she was on her own she'd leave them to it but this is Ted, and Marshall, and Ted isn't about to let his best friend lose on the streets of New York to track down his ex's hotel.

"Is there a hot-tub at your uncle's place?" Robin drawls flatly as Ted pulls over.

He sighs wearily, grimaces and admits, "A _reeaally nice one,"._ He turns the car around.

On the drive back to Manhattan Robin considers Ted's reaction to your being "gun nut". She was hoping he wouldn't find out about it, or at least that she'd be able to tell him herself (dammit Marshall)- but he'd taken it better than she was expecting. Robin had anticipated a lecture and she reckons that there'll be one later- but as an initial conversation it hadn't been too bad. She'll have to keep her enthusiasm on the down-low put that's possible- come on, she's known Ted and his friends for almost a year and kept it under wraps until now. And frankly, Robin concedes that that was her own doing- she could have hidden it for longer if she hadn't been trying to fix Marshall. Moreover, as sweet and caring as Ted is, they've only been together eight weeks. Robin's trying not to think too far future (thought she knows he is) and, well, maybe Ted'll be in it and maybe he won't. It doesn't- they don't...she isn't going to _marry _him or anything, okay? Probably not. Whatever, she doesn't think about the future. But look, this guns thing needn't become a barrier. It doesn't have to be any problem between her and Ted and their friends.

Right?

* * *

**Thank you for your time, I hope you found this an interesting read. Please review to let me know what you thought, and have a happy Easter xx**


	47. The Girl

The Girl

_2014_

Marshall gives up on his attempt to get mashed bananas into Marvin's mouth, and shoves a couple of rusks at him. Marvin crams one into his mouth happily, and Marshall ruffles his son's tufty hair before flicking the TV on. He keeps forgetting what number channel ESPN is. Eighty-five? Fifty-eight? Sixty-eight? Dammit.

He's considering giving up and watching the Italian version of _The Today Show, _when his phone rings. It's Ted.

"Hi," Marshall greets, picking up. It's- what?- midnight in New York?

"Heyyyy," call Ted and Barney's voices, "What's up?"

"Marvin's being trouble. I gave him a cracker and I'm trying to watch football," Marshall tells him, noting the grumpiness in his voice, "Sorry, haven't got much sleep. What are you two doing?"

"We're in the bar,"

"Are the girls there?"

"Nope. Just us," answers Ted.

"What are you drinking?"

"Why the heck d'you wanna know that?"

"I miss the bar. I miss American drinks,"

"Uh, I'm drinking a gin and tonic, Barney's having a Johnny Walk-"

"-put him on speaker-" Barney's voice interrupts.

"Fine. Barney's having a Johnny Walker. How's Italy?"

"Yeah, I've been meaning to call you," Marshall admits slightly guiltily, "We had the ultrasound today. _Scansione,"_

"And you didn't tell us?" Barney asks forlornly.

"How's everything going?" demands Ted.

"All good. All fine. They told us the sex,"

"Boy!" yells Barney, "Boy! Boy!"

"Ted, what's your call?" Marshall asks. He loves this stupid competitions they have between them.

"If he says boy I say girl," Ted shrugs.

"Final answers?"

"Yeah,"

"Final answers,"

"We are having...a...wait for it..." Marshall announces slowly, enjoying racking up the anticipation.

"Boy!" shouts Barney.

"Girl," Marshall finishes.

"Told ya!" Barney chirps, "Pay up, Ted, twenty bucks!"

Ted ignores him and tells Marshall, "Congratulations, buddy. One of each,"

"You nervous?" Barney interrupts, "You were way nervous about girls the first time,"

"How do you know?" Marshall frowns. Marvin bangs his spoon on the high-chair table and giggles. Marshall waggles his fingers at him, and Marvin shoots him a gummy smile. The kid's going through a stubborn phase at the moment, but dammit if he isn't the cutest baby in Italy.

Barney shrugs. "Lily told me,"

"I don't know," Marshall replies, "Back then we didn't have any kids. Now we've got Marvin..." he pauses thoughtfully.

"Yeah?" promps Ted.

"Well, now we have one I'm more concerned about what's going to change when we have two. We left all his newborn clothes back in New York, and I've probably forgotten how to deal with babies that young. Plus we'll have Marvin _as well _as the new one. Will he like her, will he get jealous, will he keep her up at night? I'm more worried about that than the sex, I think. To be honest, Marvin's too young to have done anything kind of...boyish. Except pee on me when I change his diaper,"

"Remember you got all weird about her being hot, her being a stripper, her marrying me..." Barney recalls cheerfully.

"Shut up," Marshall snarls through gritted teeth.

"Oh, so you _are _worried about having a girl," cheers Ted.

"This is going to be _fun,"_ Barney cackles, drumming his fingers together supervillain style.

"Drop it," groans Marshall. Maybe it was kind of funny when kids were a distant possibility but _come on, _his daughter actually exists now.

"Anything else happen?" asks Ted.

"At the ultrasound? Fingers, toes, heartbeat,"

"Legs?" Barney clarifies.

"Yup, legs,"

"Two?" Ted chips in.

"Yes, two legs,"

"How many arms?"

"Ted, my daughter has two arms,"

"He's just checking up on my future wife," Barney cuts in, "Thanks, Ted!"

"This is getting wronger and wronger," Ted winces.

"Okay, maybe I'm a _little _nervous about a girl," Marshall concedes. Trust Barney to wheedle his worries out of him.

"I don't know, I think a girl would be nice," says Ted lightly.

"Yuh, cos you _are _a girl,"Barney sneers, "Anyway, if we were going to have kids we'd totally have a boy,"

"You can't _choose_ to have a boy," points out Ted.

"Um, _duh,_ yes I can. Designer babies. It's a thing,"

Ted ignores him again and goes back to Marshall, "So due still locked in for middle of Feb?"

"The seventeenth. But we're hoping for Valentine's Day- easy to remember,"

"Teller's birthday is Valentine's Day, just sayin'," Barney chips in.

"That'd be cute...but it'll be impossible to get her any kind of present which isn't a massive pink squishy heart,"

"Urgh _don't,"_ groans Marshall. He hadn't thought about that yet.

"See, you're_ totally_ scared of having a girl," crows Ted victoriously. Marshall rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, a Valentine's Day birthday will be _such_ a pain for me and my new wife getting a dinner reservation," Barney sighs.

"Shut _up!" _Marshall snarls.

Ted and Barney collapse into laughter. Marvin spits out his cracker.


End file.
